So things are moving pretty fast with new guy (we'll call him JBM)... he knows so many things I usually refuse to tell people, and he is already talking about me meeting his parents. I am excited but scared shitless. He is so incredibly smart and open and he seems to really like me. I am still so afraid to fall again, but don't think I can help it.
Last night, drama: We were at a bar watching the Cubs games with some friends, when who shows up but my ex? It is true: the man who told me, at 107 lbs., that I should lose five more and look like Keira Knightley, the man who took me all over the world but never loved me, the man who on my birthday this year was in Spain with some other woman, the man whose child I miscarried (after we broke up, he never knew it happened), the man who really hurt me for the first time in my life. He shows up. We'll call him DSS.
JBM and I were on the back terrace having a smoke, when I hear DSS on his phone just outside. I turn, and sure enough, there he is. I had told JBM about him and what I had gone through (hey, he asked!), and when I told him who I had seen he looked at me very seriously. He said, "I will do whatever you want me to do; I want you to be OK." He rubbed my arms and shoulders a bit and we went inside again to his friends. He kept me close to him and I felt so much better. DSS had come in the bar, was still on his phone, and walked past us several times. I felt OK though, miraculously. I said I was sorry, and JBM looked at me like I was crazy. "You have nothing to be sorry about, I just want to make sure your OK." And strangely enough, I was. This guy is really cares about me, he makes me feel safe.
I haven't slept with him yet, and I am really afraid to. I don't intend to for quite a while. I usually can separate sex and intimacy pretty readily, or at least I can have sex with people I don't care about without really feeling anything. But this is totally different... haven't ever actually been afraid of what I would feel before. Exciting and terrifying.
In terms of ED I am still not doing great. I am typing with one hand so I can pound chips and ice cream while I write this. One day at a time.
Posts
3 comments:
You are one amazing woman...and I understand where you are coming from in the heavy like/love dept...I too started a relationship after ending one and the risk was high and I realized that I am entitled to fall in love with as many people as possible as long as I'm in this body..so enjoy it...If it doesn't work out then you know that you are able to love again...What a gift...Go for it...as far as the sleeping with him...that's on you! who am I to judge...
hehe, thanks teresa, I really appreciate your input... I like your thought on being entitled to fall in love.
Oh wow he sounds amazing! I can see what you mean kind of abou tthe sex though, like, when there'll be emotions involved because you actually care about the guy or you know he cares about you, which is evident, then it's a compltely different ball game to the game of "no strings attatched". Good call on your behalf in my opinion!
Good luck!
My therapist a tool? she makes me want to follow the growing trend of knife culture, ha ha, and luckily my next bloods are on the day before student night, lol!
Will read you're other posts soon, sorry I'm crap at keeping up with anything, also, hrrrrmmm nothign ,over and out!
V
Post a Comment