Encore

So I haven't blogged in like 2 1/2 months.

At first it was because I felt a certain pressure to put out a certain number of entries every month. Odd, I know, but most pressure in my life is self-inflicted, so why should this be any different.

Then it became because I thought that blogging about ED might be triggering. Even though I took a recovery approach, blogging still made me think about food issues almost daily.

I'm not going to lie, the break has been freeing.

I have been doing INCREDIBLY WELL. I finished up my lab work and finals at my undergrad university, ending with a published paper and a 3.98. I graduated. I have made my move to Madison, set up my new apartment with J, started working in my new lab. My relationship is better then ever. I am completely ready to get engaged, and we plan to within the next year. I am happy- not crazy I'm-going-manic ecstatic, but a calm inner happiness. I am fulfilled, at peace, and full of love.

My ED symptoms have been gone pretty much this entire time, which is incredible considering how hard transitions tend to be for me. I don't weigh anymore, but I can tell I have gone down. The 10's I was wearing are huge and the 8's feel good right now. I am happy with the way my body looks- toned and healthy. I can easily eat the trigger foods in moderation. J and I cook whole foods and don't eat out too much. I have traded in my strict weekly work out schedule for bike commuting (3.5 miles each way, 5 days a week) and am thinking about adding some yoga. There is a studio on my block.

I suppose the final part of my journey through recovery has been stopping thinking of myself as a person with an ED or recovering from an ED and rather seeing myself first and foremost as a healthy, loving person.

I thank the blog community for the role they have played in that journey. You have all been tremendously helpful, and this place has been a refuge and a source of camaraderie.

This is going to be my last post on this blog, as I feel I have truly become Master of my Mind.

I have an apartment in Madison! I'm losing weight!

So, I went up to Madison with J on Saturday to look at apartments. The first one we saw was a no go- small, no light, lots of undergrads in the building. The second one, however, was gorgeous- big, high ceilings, nice building- definitely something up our alley. About 2 minutes into the showing, however, the manager girl looks at J and says, "Just so you know, we don't let any sex offenders live in our building." WTF??? She continues: "And we don't just do a local check- we look at Federal records." Wow. Next. The third place was new and pretty nice, but slightly outside our price range. A definite possibility. We were going to go to lunch and talk over our options, when J says to see if I can move one of our afternoon showings to now, one more shot before we pick between the less-than-awesome. A 70-ish guy with a full head of heir meets us. We go to the building and the neighborhood looks great- all brick buildings built in the 1930's, a park and the lake are right across the street, a grocery on the corner, and everyone looks to be between 25-35. This seems ideal. Then we see the apartment. All wood floors, huge windows in every room, a sun room, dining room, TV room, big living room with a fireplace, high ceiling, tons of storage, everything well kept up- totally gorgeous. Afraid to fall in love with it before we're approved (we have less than stellar credit), we ask the owner what the application process entails. "You say you're a PhD student at UW? You're in." I'm in disbelief. "What about this guy?" I ask, referring to J. "You're his reference. Anyone who is a PhD student at this school has had to do a lot to get there. I know the rent will get paid." We signed right away. We now have an AWESOME apartment in Madison, and get to move June 1 :)

As for ED stuff, I am doing great. I have finally started to reverse the weight gain- I've dropped my calories to about 1500, started exercise 5 days/week instead of 4, and have already lost 3 pounds since I got back from my mountain trip. I am already starting to plan how I will switch back to a maintenance plan so that when i reach my goal of 140-145 I will be able to stay there and not keep playing the ED losing game. Wish me luck!

Quick ED Update

That mountain trip came with crazy amounts of eating and crazy amounts of calories burned. I hiked 30 miles, ate about 3,000 calories/day, and my weight stayed exactly the same. Crazy stuff.

As I was picking pictures to put up on the last post, I decided to take a little masochistic detour and peruse some of my old photos- i.e. me 50lbs. lighter. Well, I don't think the skinniest ones were really the best, but the ones at around 130? I looked damn good. But, my "healthy" weight is still 140-145, so that is still my aim.

I am still trying to follow the 1,600 calorie diet, and am hoping that by the end of the summer I'll reach that ideal. I have about 15 pounds to lose, so that seems reasonable.

I have been feeling really good about the strength of my body recently because doing amazing physical things helps me to view the body as a tool rather than as an object to look at. Also, lots sex seems to help (I'm seriously ridiculous- I get cranky after like 12 hrs.)

I had a bit of a binge on Tuesday when I first got back (my place was a mess, I had no one to hang out with, blah blah blah), but I managed to keep it pretty minimal. I did an extra workout that day (an hour of cardio), but I didn't do the 2 hrs that would have counteracted the whole 1,000 calorie binge. I ate a small salad with ahi tuna for dinner, and started fresh the next day.

Mountain Trip Pics

So the mountain trip was rad. We climbed two of the tallest mountains in the park and explored all sorts of waterfalls and rivers. We cooked, we hot-tubbed, it was grand. Check out my pics :)


We found a little waterfall :)


J really didn't believe me that there were indeed mountains here. (Smokies)


I think J looks like a guerrilla fighter in this hat.


I had to wake up early. Witness the sunshine.


J planning out our trek. (He is wearing an African dashiki and a fedora...)


Me walking along a sweet log bridge.

As expected, a little nature time (and some magic mushrooms :P )were TOTALLY what the doctor ordered.

Working Hard

Thanks to everyone for their positive comments on the post from yesterday :)

Today is my intense work day- I have to have a draft of my entire thesis completed before tomorrow and I also need to create a scientific poster of my work (which sounds easier than it is) for a symposium the week I get back from my trip. I have a dinner and all-night-study party planned with the ladies this evening, and am hoping that I can get everything done by like 2am so I can sleep a little tiny bit.

I have successfully stuck to my 1,600 calorie plan the last couple of days, and it actually is pretty easy. It's funny because when I first switched from anorexic mode to binge eating mode, that seemed fucking impossible. If I could have just been able to handle this then I would probably still be a size 2. But yeah, my starving brain wasn't having that. Not to mention, at that point I was still running 100 miles a week, so I guess the circumstances are a little different. But I must keep telling myself: I do not want to be that skinny. I want to be at my doctor's recommended ideal weight, and once I am in that range I will go back to 1,800 and not worry about the occasional treat. It's all about the health factor, right? And maybe if I keep working on changing my mind like this, I can actually, fully convince myself I look better at a 6-8 than a 2. Here's to hoping, right?

Crunch Time

First of all, THANK YOU SO MUCH to everyone who sent me nice supportive comments on my last post. It helps a TON, because it is true that on some level I know I am not completely a whale, but having it reinforced is supremely useful. I have just called myself "fat" so many times that changing that little neural network will take a LOT of repetition.






I am feeling pretty good about myself again today, but I have made the unfortunate realization that I can't lose weight on 1800 calories, so I am switching to 1600. I have also included some full-length pics of yours truly just so everyone has an idea of what I am working with in all my size 10 glory. I don't mind it, parts of it I really love, but I really think I would be more comfortable at a 6-8. So, The goal remains to lose about 15 pounds and hit the doctor-recommended "ideal" 143. The meal plan with this (like anyone really cares, but it helps me to put it in writing) is as follows:

Breakfast: Cereal and milk 240
Snack: Oatmeal, toast and egg OR fruit and yogurt 160
Lunch: Protein, whole grain, vegetable 300
Snack: Vegetable OR fruit 100
Dinner: Cook at home 600
Snack: Anything 200

My exercise routine is going to stay the same, I am going to keep using my handy little notebook, and we shall see if my weight is different in a month (currently I would guess 158.5, but I'll check tomorrow.)

In other news, I have officially accepted the dual-degree program offer. In order for that to work out, I will need to move on June 1 (yikes!)and J and I are getting really excited. My new life is about to begin! It will be a ton of work, but I am pretty sure I can handle it and still enjoy life. I will have to try harder not to get knocked up, because I'm pretty sure this precludes me being able to handle a bundle of joy. That was one of the nice parts about being sickeningly thin- when I was ammenhoriac, I knew my eggo couldn't wind up prego. Anyway, thanks again for the encouragement in taking on this responsibility- I am totally confident in the decision at this point and really happy that I will get to spend my summer in gorgeous Madison!

I'd best quit blogging now and get down to business... I have three days of very intense crunch time, but then Wednesday night I leave for my trip to the mountains!

Good vibes to all you deserving folks!

xKimX

2 Steps Forward, 1 Step Back

Yesterday around 3pm I started getting ready to go over to J's. We were having people over for dinner, some of whom I hadn't met yet, and I wanted to look nice. I started trying on clothes, and nothing fit. Not a single pair of pants would go on without causing massive spillover. I tried to resist the urge, but after about the fifth attempt I just started sobbing. How is it that I have gotten so big? My weight hasn't really gone up much this calendar year (maybe 2 lbs.) but all the progress I have been envisioning just isn't happening.
I pulled it together and made it through the dinner, which actually turned out to be a pretty good time, but it did include plenty of wine and some dessert (which was my own damn doing). At the end of the night I suppose I was obviously upset, because once everyone had left J kept asking me to talk to him and say what was wrong. I just started crying and spilling it all out- I hate the way I look, I am frustrated because I work out almost every day and hardly eat out and am doing pretty well with my nutrition plan but I just keep getting bigger. I have hypothyroidism, so if I eat what a normal person eats I get huge. Well, I guess that is the mistake I have been making.
In classic guy fashion, J wanted to find a solution. He kept emphasizing that he loves the way I look, but he wants me too feel happy. Something interesting that came out of our talk was that he feels uneasy when he sees me eating sweets or junk food the same way I feel uneasy when he is drinking. I never would have guessed but it makes total sense- it's not fun to see someone you love hurting themselves. Anyway, he was feeling bad because I said in the evening is usually when I start eating things I shouldn't (wine, ice cream, cookies, margaritas, extra dinner food, etc.), and thus he felt it was his fault because that is when I am with him. We figured it would be easier for me to do better if I wasn't tempted by him doing the things I was trying to avoid, so we came up with a few ideas that might make things easier:
1. We will not be buying ice cream any more.
2. We will make our plates and then put the food away before we start eating so I am not tempted to keep taking seconds and picking at it.
3. We will not drink during the week (I am not sure if J will follow through with this, but I at least need to.)
4. Only eat dessert once per week.

Also, on my own I have decided that I ought to start using the little notebook to keep track of my foods again. Stopping with that is always a bad idea. So today I have been using it once more. The long term goal here is to get to my doctor's recommended ideal weight range of 140-145, and I am still confident that I can do this by eating healthfully. It is going to take some extra discipline and I am prepared to do what is necessary.
Today I bought a pair of pants in a size 10. They are the biggest pants I have ever bought and I am hoping my need for them is temporary. Hopefully they will be able to keep me from crying when I dress in the mean time.

Peace.
xKimX