Playin' Mom For The Week

So I am at my parent's house for the week watching some of the sibs while good old M and D party it up in Jamaica. My grandparents (think Everybody Loves Raymond) live right down the street and make life... interesting. My bro's 16 and appropriately depressed. My Mom's note said that he "can't play video games, watch TV, go out with friends or lock his door". Yikes. I'll totally enforce that... not. I'm afraid to ask what he did. My sister's 12 and pretty cool as they go. So far no major upsets. We've also got 3 dogs, an old lab and 2 little beagles. The puppies woke me up with a HUGE mess, the gory details of which I'll spare you, suffice it to say I am convinced I don't want my own pet.

Usually as soon as I hit the 'rents house, Ed goes out of control. This time though, not so far. I had a pretty weird strategy... I did some "preemptive" bingeing. See, usually when I first get here I am starving because I try and use the drive as a good long period not to eat. Then I am bombarded with deliciousness, and start bingeing and don't quit until I leave. Since I have to be here a whole WEEK, however, I knew that couldn't happen, I would go nuts. So, before I left and while I was packing, I freakin' stuffed myself. I still didn't really feel like eating when I got here, but I had a normal sized dinner and late night snack. I also was REALLY tired from Halloween the night before (I went as Sarah Palin, which I know is unorginal, but I've got the voice down and I must say I was hilarious), so I hit the sack mega early (8pm?).I woke up today and felt pretty good, I ate healthfully all day and worked out and bought healthy food, and I'm totally excited to use this week to be healthy and productive and rejuve before I go back to school to rock out the next couple weeks before Thanksgiving.

In other news, I am in the process of finding a new shrink cause my old one hit on me. Awesome. Details to come, I assure you.

Oh, and J is gonna come up state and visit me! Yay!

I Hate My Body

I hate the way I look. I hate how I spill over the tops of my pants. I hate how my stomach sticks out farther then my chest. I hate how I have let my gorgeous body become this bloated jiggling mess. I can't stop crying, my physical form is like this taunting leering reminder that I am not able to control myself and am sloppy and ugly. None of my clothes fit, I am officially ten pounds overweight, I have gained 35 pounds this year. I can tell J isn't that into by body because of the way he looks at me when we have sex. I feel like I am so inadequate, and since I keep getting fatter I feel like he'll think he was somehow conned. Like he started dating this decent looking girl and then she turned into this fat slob. I feel so desperate right now.

Victory Is Mine (Sort Of)

So I made it through Thursday without bingeing!!! I don't think that has happened since probably May. On the down side, I failed to go to class, skipped a meeting and spent the night at a concert drunk, stoned and rolling... Hey, we can only fix one problem at a time here. Right now, I am celebrating what feels like a HUGE victory.

Today I have my first appointment at the Counceling Center where I get to meet with an Eating Disorder Specialist and have an "evaluation". I am not sure what this entails, but for some reason I envision the result being me crying...

So today, to avoid bingeing, here is my plan:

Shower and dress so I feel decently attractive, actually go to class and to this appointment... then what? I feel like the afternoon is so vulnerable. Right after lunch and right after dinner are when I am most "at risk of exhibiting symptoms". Well, after dinner I am going to a girlfriend's place and staying the night, because my room mates will not be home and I can NOT be left alone. But what about this afternoon... I will have to just leave the apartment and go work at a coffee house, I need to "remove myself".

I am so freakin' proud right now, I did it!!! I felt for so long like I had platteaued (sp?) at this place where I was just going to be sick and self-loathing Thursday through Saturday, but yesterday I did not binge, and after a slow morning I had a fantastic eve.

Can't stop me now!

One Day at a Time

So Thursday is the point at which I usually break down. I am taking this one day at a time and am determined to make it through today without bingeing. Sunday through Wednesday are always fine, and then somehow shit hits the fan. I have a lack of structured time, I find myself alone in the apartment, I am forced to be alone with my own thoughts.I have bought some new self-help books (how lame am I? I love going up to the Barnes & Noble counter with those babys...) about overcoming binge eating, and I have been journaling a LOT to try and stay centered.

I've been reading this one book a little everyday, including this morning, to try and stay on track. I met with my nurtitionist on Tuesday, and she for the first time seemed really genuinely frusterated with me. I was pretty unhappy about this, it was a stressful appointment. She had always been very relaxed and said I was doing better than I thought I was. Not this week.

Anyway, she said what I had to do was structure my time, as in write a schedule for my weekend so that I didn't find myself aimless and eating. I made little sheets that say what I ought tobe doing hour-by-hour, and put stars by the times that I predict will be particularly vulnerable.

For starters: Now I am to go to the gym, shower and dress (preppy today so I feel motivated to get some work done), and then go to class. Then I need to come home, eat lunch, and then be at the library or the lab from lunch to dinner. Will update.

Wish me luck!!!

Love Your Body Campaign

Your body is beautiful,regardless of weight age, gender, ability or race. Your body is a reflection of the family from which you come and of every experience you have had from birth to present. Your body is the astonishing vessel that allows you to move through this world, express yourself and connect with others. Your body, regardless of its size, i beautiful and deserving of your love and acceptance.

In order to start loving my own body and help others to learn the beauty of theirs, I am doing what I can to forward the "Love Your Body Campaign". The above quote was written on a flier that I passed out to 200 women on the street last Monday, and I intend to the same again this week. I have also posted these fliers at gyms, yoga studios, in clothing store fitting rooms, public restrooms and college classrooms. The reactions have been incredible: appreciation, understanding, smiles, even one women who turned around after walking down the street reading it and came back and gave me a hug.

I want to look into going further with this, and am working on setting up an informal discussion after my yoga class. I am also trying to get some girls I know from the ED treatment center to get in on this with me, but the response thus far has been poor. This is a very new endeavor, and I am not entirely sure how to go about it. I would HIGHLY appreciate ANY input anyone had about how tot ake this to the next level.

Love yourselves!

so far down

no longer thin
not starved and strong
i have lost all control

drowning in my past
in drugs and death and pressure

eating while it eats away
consuming so I might not be consumed
devouring as I am devoured

with each disgusting bite
rage, desolation and anxiety
give way to a restful, nauseous dead-zone
i am finally out of my head

but the reprieve is short

bursting with anguish
distended with grief
stuffed yet ever starving

each time farther from home
lonelier, sicker, sadder
and with ever diminishing hope

Brighter Day

I'm definitely back on the up again. I have been productive this week, eaten properly as per my nutritionist's recommendations, follwed my exercise councelor's fitness plan, and I feel really good. On Sunday J took me to a park I'd never been to with all sorts of artwork and woods and gardens we could walk all through, and we had a really great talk. I felt really connected with him and with everything else. We have both been through a lot recently, and have been really open with one another about our selves and our lives. After the park we went to an organic food store and made a healthy meal together, and we stayed up talking until sunrise. What was really fantastic was when I was telling him about my ED. I kept apologizing for dumping so much onto him, and he looked at me and he said, "I want to be with you, and I want all of you." Awesome.