New Chapter : )

I'm Going to Madison!
I am back to normal life! I got home from my Northwestern interview on Saturday, and I am completely done with the whole process. And the even better news? I GOT IN TO MADISON!!! I am totally stoked, and ready to tell them I accept the offer. I am just taking a few days to really mull it over because, hey, this is a pretty big decision. Last night J and I celebrated- we made chicken marsala and roasted asparagus, and then had chocolate fondue and a really fantastic bottle of wine. I am SO lucky to have this fantastic supportive guy coming with me into this next stage of my life, and I won't soon forget how fortunate I am...

On that note I do have to say one thing about the relationship stuff. We are at about 5 months (I know, I know, it's all really fast) and that for me is usually about the time when things start to change. Now, I was just reading some Vedic mantra business (I'm an eastern philosophy junkie in secret I guess) and one thing that comes up over and over is, essentially, "to expect people to be other than what they have been is irrational/crazy". Well, when I met J he was a heavy drinker/smoker and generally living very unhealthily. Given the things he had gone through in the preceding months (and my own habits at the time), I decided this was understandable and would wait and see what happened. Then for a while things were just getting better and better- we were cooking healthy food together, going to the gym, we were both hardly drinking outside of the weekends and he pretty much stopped smoking cigarettes and pot. Over the last couple of weeks, though, things seem to have digressed. He doesn't usually want to go to the gym with me, so either I don't go either or I go alone (like this morning). He is smoking cigarettes sometimes and pot occasionally, which wouldn't bother me really on it's own but in conjunction with other stuff it grates on me. Most troublesome to me, though, is that he hasn't gone a day without a drink in over a week. I feel bad for even knowing that/keeping track, but it really makes me sad. He knows it's an issue for him (and consequently me) but I have a hard time saying anything about it because I don't want him to withdraw or start lying to me or something. I was thinking about talking to him tonight and asking if we could go back to the clean Monday-Thursday plan, but I am nervous about doing so because I don't want to hurt his feelings. Any wisdom is appreciated.

As for my own health, I anticipate being much more together now that constant stress and travel are over...
ED/Health Stuff
At the gym today I weighed 158.2 lbs. This is almost as high as my high point Freshman year of college (161). I am actually not feeling too awful about it because I have had a lot of other stuff going on recently that seemed more important than my weight, and I think I had legitimate reason for skipping a couple of workouts and eating/drinking some extra treats (hey, it was all free!). Anyway, now that I am back to pseudo-normalcy I am fully ready to implement the get-fit plan. I am looking at losing about 1 lb/wk until I get to the 140-145 range that is supposedly my body's ideal. I have stopped seeing the nutritionist, the fitness counselor and the therapist. I may still make appointments with the first two at some point, but I honestly don't know when that will be. I think I have gotten pretty much everything out of these people that I can and the rest is up to me. So, here is the plan:

Nutrition:

Breakfast: 1 cup Fiber One flake cereal, 1/2 cup Fiber One original, 1 cup skim milk
Snack: 6 oz. container Lite'n'Fit yogurt, 1 piece fresh fruit
Lunch: 350 calories, including some protein, whole grain and vegetable
Snack: Romaine salad with 1/4 cup gorgonzola and 2 tbsp. raspberry dressing
Dinner: Up to 700 calories, preferably something cooked at home
Late snack: Tea with honey (or maybe a treat or a cocktail if dinner was small)

This plan is about 1800 calories/day. The everyday foods are things I love, but I am still planning to tweak it weekly to avoid getting to tired of stuff. According to SELF magazine this ought to make me lose about 1 lb./wk.

Fitness:

Monday:60 min elliptical, (1 min sprints every 10 minutes), 10 min stretch
Tuesday:30 min elliptical w/ sprints, 20 min strength training, 10 min stretch30 min
Thursday:60 min elliptical w/ sprints, 10 min stretch
Friday:elliptical w/ sprints, 20 min strength training, 10 min stretch
(Saturday):30 minute run outside if the weather is nice

Once again, according to that lovely magazine, 3.5 hrs. of cardio per week combined with an 1800 calorie diet should let me lose 1 pound each week. I think I will put in weekly weight updates, so we shall see how it works. I'm just excited to be feeling good about a plan that is non-extreme. Oh, and I am also writing down what I eat in a little note pad and trying to plan meals the day before. This helps me a lot. I am making an effort to do one "recovery activity" each day- blog, journal, meditate, read from one of my old self-help books about ED stuff- just to keep myself mentally on track.

Yay, normal life! How I love it!

Quick Update

Hi all! I haven't been writing (or reading) because I have been wicked swamped. I miss blog land! I am heading out on my last interview (Northwestern) today and will be back on Sunday. I have honestly been out of town less then I have been home this month. It's been insanity. On the upshot, I have made some wicked progress on my thesis (I'm like 10 pages from go!) and I am feeling really healthy. J and I went for a pretty fabulous sushi dinner last night and I just had a great work out. So far I have gotten into the University of Chicago and University of Southern California (with a provost's fellowship!) and haven't heard from anywhere else. I am doing well ED wise. It was rocky toward the middle of the month but I feel better. I am really feeling comfortable in my body and embracing the curves. I was just watching E! top 100 slim downs (hey, I was at the gym, I had nothing better to do!) and when all the stick girls came on, I honestly was thinking, bwahaha, I am way sexier than them :) Also, the day I get back and am totally done with interviews is a Sunday AND the first of the month! Yay for new beginnings! (and more time for doing fun things like blogging!) KK, must pack, thanks for staying with me as I lack commitment in light of other stuff, it is only temporary :)

On Track

So yesterday I called the shrink's office to "finalize the divorce". I got no answer, so I got to enjoy the anonymity and sheepishness of voicemail. And you know what? I feel fantastic. Today was GREAT. I ate healthfully all day, I made it to the gym, I was mega productive and I am even looking forward to cooking Mexican food with J tonight. (You heard me, I WANT to eat dinner! I'm not over-stuffed or self-loathing!) This could have something to do with the fact that my weight was down this morning. Funny how that still dictates the tone of the entire day. However, one little good push is sometimes enough to start me on that path, so here to hoping. I feel like I'm finally ready to lose the excess and no more. Today, I feel healthy, happy and accepting of myself.

Tomorrow I am leaving for another interview- UW Madison. The more I think about it, the more it seems like that is the right place for me to be. (I know, I'm fickle.) Madison is a liberal town with a great music scene and amazing restaurants. It has fantastic surrounding scenery, doesn't require a car and has an intimacy larger cities lack. J would do really well there, and he would have any easy time going back to school (which he has expressed interest in doing). There are also a lot of jobs there. The only problem now is getting in- Madison is ranked really highly among Neuroscience PhD programs. Higher than my Chicago schools. I am worrying now that I will have gotten myself over-psyched now and then won't get in. Gah. I really REALLY want this... Wish me luck!

Doing Better : )

So since I have been back in town I have been doing WAY better. J and I have been really healthy- cooking all of our meals at home from scratch with whole foods, going to the gym, getting plenty of relaxation time- it has been great, SO what I needed.
On Friday we went to a Michael Franti concert in Indiana- for those of you who don't know him, get on it. He's pretty much the Bob Marley of this generation and very much worth your time. Saturday we really vegged hard core- movies, food, lots of sickeningly adorable love and affection. Since everything had been so crazy recently we didn't really do anything spectacular for V-day, just enjoyed one another at home and felt good. It was exactly what I needed. Sunday was J's B-day, and sadly the present I got him did not come in time which made me feel like a loser, but whatever, it'll get here. I did make him a banana chocolate cake (without a mix or anything!) with mocha glaze frosting. I'm gonna go ahead and pat myself on the back here- it was fucking orgasmic. His bro M and the fiance A came over, and a couple of his friends stopped by. We shot some pool for a short bit in the eve and I fell asleep watching "Say Anything" (which is apparently the Breakfast Club of the early nineties that I had until now completely missed).
Throughout the whole weekend J seemed kinda down. At first I was blaming myself- I didn't have his present, I hadn't planned anything all that exciting- but he sort of spoke up about it last night to assure me I was not the source. He said I had been awesome, but "a bunch of things" were making him upset. He said he has always had trouble with his birthdays (a tree fell on him on his b-day once when he was a kid- I doubt that's the source of lingering anxiety, but a little funny). I know he said a while ago that his b-day would be hard this year (he is dealing with some major recent loss), and that could be it. His Mom went out of town over this weekend which might have bothered him. He has said he doesn't like getting older (he's 26- so God knows what 30 will do :P ). Whatever the case, I wish he would talk to me about it because I feel a little disconnected. Communication is something we pride ourselves in, and I want to ask him to share with me, but at the same time I don't want to be prying or invasive or digging up unpleasant feelings. I am hoping we'll be able to talk about whatever it is this eve...

(Insert clever transition here)

And an ED thought...
I have realized that before I met J, Monday-Thursday were good ED days and the weekends were shit. Now, pretty much the opposite because I am with him all weekend and then Monday I am left to my own devices. What I need is to combine the two- really be scheduled and disciplined during the week and use all my strategies, and then be around J and friends on the off times. Right now I feel great- I'll keep you all posted on how the rest of the week goes.

Still Struggling

So in CA I was golden for a couple of days- I was eating write, I was using my memo pad, I was running for an hour on the beach every day and getting all kinds of love and fun from my awesome cousins. Then last night I get to my parents house. Immediate binge. And then again this morning. And this afternoon when I got to my apartment. J is due to walk through my door and I am really excited but I feel sort of guilty for ruining our little reunion by making myself feel like crap. I know being back to our normal life will help me out MAJOR and this little rough patch will dissolve, but right now I feel like hell. I didn't binge once in January and I must be at like 8 or 10 already in February. This whole traveling the country by myself thing is not conducive to my health and ED recovery. On the bright side I just got notice that I got into the University of Chicago Neuroscience PhD program! So, I have financial security for the next 5 years and a nice little path to my future. Crazy how I wasn't the least bit excited. Crazy how food and ED can ruin the best moments in your life. Because I know I would be ecstatic right now if I weren't busy hating my body and cursing my weakness and feeling like I might burst. What a strange place to be. Hopefully I can report back in a couple of days and say I am doing great. Wish me strength :)

Sending anyone who reads this some good vibes,

xKimX

Interviews, ED, etc.

Apologies for the extended lapse in blogging. I did make it out the door that day, and somehow or another I got to my Yale interviews. They seemed to go really well, and the science was incredible, but I really can't see myself living in Connecticut. From New Haven I went to Chicago. J picked me up from the airport, and brought me the meds I needed from downstate. The airline lost my luggage, but after I finished replacing everything they located and returned it to me. On Saturday night J took me out to probably the nicest dinner anyone has ever treated me to. I honestly can't remember the name of the place, but suffice it to say it was AWESOME. He stayed the night with me at the Hotel Sax (compliments of the University), and we drank champagne and I was able to center and feel a little more whole again. I honestly don't think I would be making it through these interviews if it weren't for J- I would definitely have canceled and withdrawn by now. This guy is my rock and I am so friggan' lucky and appreciative. Sunday J left and I was wined and dined by the University at Gioco's. Monday I went to my University of Chicago interviews. I absolutely fell in love with the school and the program. I thought it would end up being Northwestern, but now I am not so sure, U of C seems to fit me really well. Last night I flew out of O'Hare to Orange County. I left my phone in a cab on the way to the airport, and thus my travels were incredibly stressful. Somehow or another I made it to Costa Mesa, and I am currently lying on a pull out at my aunts house. Today my cousin B and I are going for a run on the beach, and this afternoon my aunt, uncle and cousins and I are going for happy hour and appetizers. I won't be drinking, but I'm pretty stoked. Tomorrow I am interviewing at USC, and then Thursday I fly back to Chicago.

Eating well has been incredibly tough on this trip. I absolutely failed on that front at the Yale interviews. There was food EVERYWHERE, and everything was comped so the grad students hosting me were eager to eat and eat. I felt really gross for most of that stay, but tried to enjoy myself anyway. I am figuring I can only be in control of so many things at once, and in this whirlwind travel experience the food thing is tough. I have definitely overeaten immensely every day of this trip, and I even skipped a workout which is unheard of for me. I have today off to be healthy and I and happy for that. I weighed on my aunt's (somewhat friendly) scale and actually haven't gained much, so my mood is good now. I have been trying to figure out what is different about now and when I was doing well and I think the thing that is missing is the memo pad. I used to keep a little notebook and plan out what I wanted to eat the next day on the top half and then record what I actually ate on the bottom. This got me to think about what I would be eating in advance and plan to have treats and such later instead of as I craved them. I want to get a little notebook today so I can go back to that.

So, in short, I'm doing pretty well, but life is odd. I am falling behind in my classes, my lab work and my thesis, but I know it will all end up OK.

One day at a time.

xKimX

Battling Total Shut-Down

I am supposed to leave today for my triple interview. I am supposed to be at Yale tomorrow, University of Chicago Saturday and University of Southern Cali Monday. I am supposed to be gone already, but I am shutting the fuck down.

I binged badly on Sunday during the Superbowl (anyone join me on that?). I broke down and started crying when we left the party and J stayed up and listened to me and soothed me for hours, even though he should have been off celebrating his team's win. He said there was nowhere he'd rather be, but I felt guilty as fuck. He stayed with me and talked to me until I fell asleep, presumably to keep me from throwing up or going to the gym.

I woke up the next morning and still felt like hell. On top of the binge, I was getting a nice latent coke hangover. He offered to take me home, but I said I couldn't get up. He went to work and I ate four bowls of cereal and the rest of his mint chip ice cream. I sent him an email saying what I had done and how I felt. He came back at 1 and took me home. I didn't go to class. I didn't go to lab. I didn't do anything that required leaving my building.

That evening I made it to the gym (on the first floor, big whoop). I felt a little better after, but I was still set on not eating any more for the day. That night J put out some salad and started eating some. He said it was there if I wanted it, but I didn't have to eat it. I had some. Then he made some whole wheat pasta with home made veggie sauce. Really healthy. He said there is plenty, and if I wanted some I could have it. No pressure, he'd eat it for lunch tomorrow if I didn't, but it was there. I ate some. It didn't feel good, but in the morning I was glad I had.

Tuesday I made myself worksheets and checklists to fill out to make sure I was eating, exercising and sleeping healthfully for the duration of this trip. I did pretty well yesterday, but I did overeat a little at dinner.

This morning I had to say goodbye to J. I won't see him for a week and it kills me. I got in my car and cried as I watched him walk off to work. Then I went home and ate more than I intended before going to my shrink's office to cry some more. I got it together to go to lab, but I had someone cover the second half of my experiment so I could go home. Then I overate before going to the gym. I felt a little better after and intense run on the treadmill (9 miles in 60 minutes baby!). I got a call from my Dad while I was stretching. He isn't going to help me out with money this month. I thought he might- I'm only 20 and I have a lot going on, he has sometimes before, but nope. He seems to think I am J's problem now. So I went upstairs to my apartment, and guess what? I cried some more. BUT I DIDN"T EAT. I got in the shower. Now I am blogging.

I am hoping to reconstruct my mindset here. Last night J was telling me, "This is a free vacation. These people are already impressed by you- they just want to wine and dine you and put you up in nice hotels and convince you to come to their school. It will be fun- you will meet people who you already know from their work and look up to. You have worked hard for this- enjoy this. This is a series of incredible opportunities."

I am trying to internalize that. This is an amazing week for me. I am going places I have never gone (on someone else's bill) to meet Nobel Prize winners and award-winning doctors. This is awesome.

The counter voice: You are so out of control! You are broke and going into debt, you are getting fatter all the time and have lost control of your body, you will be entirely disconnected from all those who love you, your interview clothes probably don't even fit anymore!

NO! I CAN DO THIS! AND LIKE IT! I am beautiful. I have a strong sexy woman's body. I will make ends meet, I always do, it may require a dig into the savings, but that is doable. I will kick ass on the interviews. And J is reachable for me 24/7.

I'm still not sure. will I get it together, pack and make it upstate for my flight? Or will I take a bunch of Unisom, get under my covers, and deal with the aftermath later? At least that way I can't be eating.


What am I saying? What is the point of this blog? The point is to get these thoughts out and let life in! The point is that I am a strong person, greater than this disease, greater than my fears, and excited to navigate this world. I am going to do it. I am going to get my ass up and dress, pack my shit, and get on my way! I have worked too fucking hard to ruin this now. Depression, ED, drug craving, anxiety- you can ALL KISS MY SEXY ASS!

Watch me go...