On Track

So yesterday I called the shrink's office to "finalize the divorce". I got no answer, so I got to enjoy the anonymity and sheepishness of voicemail. And you know what? I feel fantastic. Today was GREAT. I ate healthfully all day, I made it to the gym, I was mega productive and I am even looking forward to cooking Mexican food with J tonight. (You heard me, I WANT to eat dinner! I'm not over-stuffed or self-loathing!) This could have something to do with the fact that my weight was down this morning. Funny how that still dictates the tone of the entire day. However, one little good push is sometimes enough to start me on that path, so here to hoping. I feel like I'm finally ready to lose the excess and no more. Today, I feel healthy, happy and accepting of myself.

Tomorrow I am leaving for another interview- UW Madison. The more I think about it, the more it seems like that is the right place for me to be. (I know, I'm fickle.) Madison is a liberal town with a great music scene and amazing restaurants. It has fantastic surrounding scenery, doesn't require a car and has an intimacy larger cities lack. J would do really well there, and he would have any easy time going back to school (which he has expressed interest in doing). There are also a lot of jobs there. The only problem now is getting in- Madison is ranked really highly among Neuroscience PhD programs. Higher than my Chicago schools. I am worrying now that I will have gotten myself over-psyched now and then won't get in. Gah. I really REALLY want this... Wish me luck!

Doing Better : )

So since I have been back in town I have been doing WAY better. J and I have been really healthy- cooking all of our meals at home from scratch with whole foods, going to the gym, getting plenty of relaxation time- it has been great, SO what I needed.
On Friday we went to a Michael Franti concert in Indiana- for those of you who don't know him, get on it. He's pretty much the Bob Marley of this generation and very much worth your time. Saturday we really vegged hard core- movies, food, lots of sickeningly adorable love and affection. Since everything had been so crazy recently we didn't really do anything spectacular for V-day, just enjoyed one another at home and felt good. It was exactly what I needed. Sunday was J's B-day, and sadly the present I got him did not come in time which made me feel like a loser, but whatever, it'll get here. I did make him a banana chocolate cake (without a mix or anything!) with mocha glaze frosting. I'm gonna go ahead and pat myself on the back here- it was fucking orgasmic. His bro M and the fiance A came over, and a couple of his friends stopped by. We shot some pool for a short bit in the eve and I fell asleep watching "Say Anything" (which is apparently the Breakfast Club of the early nineties that I had until now completely missed).
Throughout the whole weekend J seemed kinda down. At first I was blaming myself- I didn't have his present, I hadn't planned anything all that exciting- but he sort of spoke up about it last night to assure me I was not the source. He said I had been awesome, but "a bunch of things" were making him upset. He said he has always had trouble with his birthdays (a tree fell on him on his b-day once when he was a kid- I doubt that's the source of lingering anxiety, but a little funny). I know he said a while ago that his b-day would be hard this year (he is dealing with some major recent loss), and that could be it. His Mom went out of town over this weekend which might have bothered him. He has said he doesn't like getting older (he's 26- so God knows what 30 will do :P ). Whatever the case, I wish he would talk to me about it because I feel a little disconnected. Communication is something we pride ourselves in, and I want to ask him to share with me, but at the same time I don't want to be prying or invasive or digging up unpleasant feelings. I am hoping we'll be able to talk about whatever it is this eve...

(Insert clever transition here)

And an ED thought...
I have realized that before I met J, Monday-Thursday were good ED days and the weekends were shit. Now, pretty much the opposite because I am with him all weekend and then Monday I am left to my own devices. What I need is to combine the two- really be scheduled and disciplined during the week and use all my strategies, and then be around J and friends on the off times. Right now I feel great- I'll keep you all posted on how the rest of the week goes.

Still Struggling

So in CA I was golden for a couple of days- I was eating write, I was using my memo pad, I was running for an hour on the beach every day and getting all kinds of love and fun from my awesome cousins. Then last night I get to my parents house. Immediate binge. And then again this morning. And this afternoon when I got to my apartment. J is due to walk through my door and I am really excited but I feel sort of guilty for ruining our little reunion by making myself feel like crap. I know being back to our normal life will help me out MAJOR and this little rough patch will dissolve, but right now I feel like hell. I didn't binge once in January and I must be at like 8 or 10 already in February. This whole traveling the country by myself thing is not conducive to my health and ED recovery. On the bright side I just got notice that I got into the University of Chicago Neuroscience PhD program! So, I have financial security for the next 5 years and a nice little path to my future. Crazy how I wasn't the least bit excited. Crazy how food and ED can ruin the best moments in your life. Because I know I would be ecstatic right now if I weren't busy hating my body and cursing my weakness and feeling like I might burst. What a strange place to be. Hopefully I can report back in a couple of days and say I am doing great. Wish me strength :)

Sending anyone who reads this some good vibes,

xKimX

Interviews, ED, etc.

Apologies for the extended lapse in blogging. I did make it out the door that day, and somehow or another I got to my Yale interviews. They seemed to go really well, and the science was incredible, but I really can't see myself living in Connecticut. From New Haven I went to Chicago. J picked me up from the airport, and brought me the meds I needed from downstate. The airline lost my luggage, but after I finished replacing everything they located and returned it to me. On Saturday night J took me out to probably the nicest dinner anyone has ever treated me to. I honestly can't remember the name of the place, but suffice it to say it was AWESOME. He stayed the night with me at the Hotel Sax (compliments of the University), and we drank champagne and I was able to center and feel a little more whole again. I honestly don't think I would be making it through these interviews if it weren't for J- I would definitely have canceled and withdrawn by now. This guy is my rock and I am so friggan' lucky and appreciative. Sunday J left and I was wined and dined by the University at Gioco's. Monday I went to my University of Chicago interviews. I absolutely fell in love with the school and the program. I thought it would end up being Northwestern, but now I am not so sure, U of C seems to fit me really well. Last night I flew out of O'Hare to Orange County. I left my phone in a cab on the way to the airport, and thus my travels were incredibly stressful. Somehow or another I made it to Costa Mesa, and I am currently lying on a pull out at my aunts house. Today my cousin B and I are going for a run on the beach, and this afternoon my aunt, uncle and cousins and I are going for happy hour and appetizers. I won't be drinking, but I'm pretty stoked. Tomorrow I am interviewing at USC, and then Thursday I fly back to Chicago.

Eating well has been incredibly tough on this trip. I absolutely failed on that front at the Yale interviews. There was food EVERYWHERE, and everything was comped so the grad students hosting me were eager to eat and eat. I felt really gross for most of that stay, but tried to enjoy myself anyway. I am figuring I can only be in control of so many things at once, and in this whirlwind travel experience the food thing is tough. I have definitely overeaten immensely every day of this trip, and I even skipped a workout which is unheard of for me. I have today off to be healthy and I and happy for that. I weighed on my aunt's (somewhat friendly) scale and actually haven't gained much, so my mood is good now. I have been trying to figure out what is different about now and when I was doing well and I think the thing that is missing is the memo pad. I used to keep a little notebook and plan out what I wanted to eat the next day on the top half and then record what I actually ate on the bottom. This got me to think about what I would be eating in advance and plan to have treats and such later instead of as I craved them. I want to get a little notebook today so I can go back to that.

So, in short, I'm doing pretty well, but life is odd. I am falling behind in my classes, my lab work and my thesis, but I know it will all end up OK.

One day at a time.

xKimX

ED Recovery Anti-Progress

So I knew I gained a lot of weight over Christmas and I was afraid to see my nutritionist. I finally went yesterday, and it sucked giant hairy donkey balls. I gained 7 lbs. and realized I had successfully undone the good eating habits I had started to establish. I was back to eating infrequently, not picking the right foods, making up for extra calories, the whole sha-bang. I definitely spent most of that hour crying and hating my body and feeling immense frustration. With the help of my lovely nutritionist, however, I was able to come up with a plan of attack. I was even allowed to set a sensible weight loss goal. What I need to do mostly is keep healthy food on hand and eat it throughout the day. I haven't been grocery shopping lately (rather poor right now) and have been eating unhealthy foods infrequently. She convinced me I need to prioritize myself and my health. Today I am going shopping for nutritious food to keep in the car on the road trip and when I get back I am going shopping for real and stocking my fridge with healthy fair. Gah, it just really infuriates me to have made anti-progress. Just think where the human race would be if we didn't so love self-sabotage. (I know, I know, save that emo shit for MySpace, right?)

I also saw my shrink this week. I tried to divorce her and it didn't work. I feel like she is too passive to be of use. I gently explained this and said I had too much on my plate right now to try and deal with the whole therapy thing too. She said that probably meant I was really in need of therapy. I am supposed to think about it for a week and let her know at our appointment next week. I really don't want to- I feel like therapy was nice when I was lonely but that now with so many friends around and a great relationship I don't really need it. Well, I have many hours of driving over which to ponder this.

And, to complete the Tx-team check-in run, I also saw my exercise counselor. She was actually really happy with me (I have done awesome sticking to my program), but she suggested I switch my work outs up once in a while. Apparently, the same exercise becomes less effective with repetition. In her office I totally vetoed this idea. The thought of changing the only part of this I was still doing well on freaked me out. However, I have since given it some thought, and have decided maybe making 3 programs (instead of one) and switching monthly-ish might make sense and be manageable. I am going to dicsuss that with her at our next appointment.

I am staying strong, I want to keep fighting, I am determined to get better. I am not in control as I once was, but I am not willing to give in.

Remember, ED is conquerable.

xKimX

Connectivity

So some people have a real knack for creating fluid blog entries, riddled with subtle humor and connected throughout by a common thread that gives the reader a smile and a clear take home message. I am not one of those people.

First note:

So I definitely binge ate this morning and am planning on going to the gym soon. I am not going to go above and beyond my one hour workout I am supposed to do on Thursdays, but I am going to not eat again until dinner (when I have to because I am going out with the fam). I also will not eat any of the junk at the movies because I have had more than my fair share of crap food already today. Gah, 1300 calories before noon, I am such an idiot. I really liked calling myself "recovered", but I guess that I was just in remission or something. I will still feel ok today if I stick to this plan, and I can get back on track tomorrow. I'm really tempted to take a laxative and clear out. I think I probably will.

Second, entirely unrelated statement:

In the realm of Kim's no-longer-twisted lovelife, I had a pretty rad realization last night. I used to not be able to envision settling down with someone because I was afraid I would miss the chase, the jitters, the first kisses, the honeymoon phase where you adore one another's shit... But then I realized something: I am not giving up anything, I am moving on to something deeper. J and I have the chance to enjoy complete connection, a lifetime of shared experience and perfect comfort with and acceptance of one another. Finally, I have something real and the opportunity to explore and understand what all love can really mean. I don't feel like I'm losing anything; I feel utterly connected and I am gaining everything.

Final, again pathetically tangential, rambling:

My Mom is way off her rocker, and in a much different way than usual. She usually has three states: (1)Normal stepford wife interacting with the outside world. (2) Utterly depressed person lying face down naked on her bed sobbing. And (3) Manic crazy lady dissociated from her herself, joyriding without knowing where she's been. But what did I get this time? I got (4). And (4) is all new... complete apathy. She sits on the couch all day in sweats, laptop in lap. The house is a mess. She doesn't eat. Instead of speaking to me, she emails me from two cushions over (I kid not), as if turning her head to speak were too much effort. She spoke once this morning to say, "Huh. I had a dentist appointment an hour ago." And then turned back to her screen. We're dragging her to dinner and a movie tonight. We'll see how that goes. I just really hate it, like not knowing what I am going to get.


So, if I were a shrink, I could tie these together I suppose. Perhaps food is love. Perhaps when J is around the void is filled, and at home I often distinctly feel it's lack. But I am not a shrink. And I know my Mom loves me dearly, (I'm even her favorite), and just has some of her own issues to deal with.

And so it goes.

xKimX