Blow and Body Love

So I am currently in the lab (yes, on Saturday). Last night was the end of our Monday-Thursday complete sobriety plan, and we selected Friday as an OK day to drink and what not. We went to a local tapas bar for a drink, and then went to the grocery to get food for a nice meal at home. We made pork chops with a grapefruit avocado relish- sounds weird but trust me it was awesome. Then we get a text. J's brother M wants us to come over to his place for some "cough, sledding". My adorable J says, "I think I'll tell him it's a little too cold out." After a sideways look from me, he gets the subtext. We decide, hey, today is our party day for the week and we haven't seen M and his fiance A in a long time. It turned out to be an AWESOME night. When we first get there A comes up to me and asks me to be her bridesmaid! I was SO excited, I really feel like I am becoming a part of their family :) I had great conversations with J, M and A, and overall the night was lovely. J and M are the musical sort and I was highly impressed by them throughout the night. M sounds completely like Brad Nowell when he sings. J and I stayed over and stayed up all night talking and... well we know what blow does :) Best part? No comedown. I am at work now, haven't slept a wink, and haven't had a toot in 9 hours- I feel tired but mostly very good. (a.k.a. I am not sitting here envying the rats I coke up in the lab). Maybe because my body has had it so easy all week. J and I are of course back no-nothing now, but I feel like once in a while is OK. Also, our mindset has changed- we had 6 grams plus unlimited booze, pot and cigarettes. Between us all we only finished 3 grams (M has grand ideas for some special at home wash for the rest), and I didn't do anything else. J had a few beers, but really kept it pretty under control. I am also completely thrilled because when I first was saying we ought to cut back, I said to J that 3 days a week was more than enough. Now he says we should only have one day a week to put weird shit in our bodies. So yea, I am excited for moderated fun.

While we were laying around and letting everything wear off, J and I got to talking about my body image issues and ED stuff, and how even though I am eating healthfully now I am still obsessing. He literally gave me an hour long pep talk about how great my body was and I felt so incredible and so loved. He talked about every part of my body and why he loved it, paying special attention to my stomach- touching it and telling me how it is a woman's "most under appreciated curve"- (and he really actually finds it sexy- he got hard on from touching my little soft tummy!)At the end of that talk I came to the realization that I really don't need to lose weight, even now. I honestly think I get hit on more now than I did when I was thin (likely because I am happy and it shows) and that I really am beautiful as is. My new goal is to be as healthy as possible. If that causes me to lose weight, great. If not, that's great too. I feel like I had a major breakthrough in body love. Fuck the numbers, I look incredible.

Wishing moderation and self-ppreciation to all of you!

xKimX

Connectivity

So some people have a real knack for creating fluid blog entries, riddled with subtle humor and connected throughout by a common thread that gives the reader a smile and a clear take home message. I am not one of those people.

First note:

So I definitely binge ate this morning and am planning on going to the gym soon. I am not going to go above and beyond my one hour workout I am supposed to do on Thursdays, but I am going to not eat again until dinner (when I have to because I am going out with the fam). I also will not eat any of the junk at the movies because I have had more than my fair share of crap food already today. Gah, 1300 calories before noon, I am such an idiot. I really liked calling myself "recovered", but I guess that I was just in remission or something. I will still feel ok today if I stick to this plan, and I can get back on track tomorrow. I'm really tempted to take a laxative and clear out. I think I probably will.

Second, entirely unrelated statement:

In the realm of Kim's no-longer-twisted lovelife, I had a pretty rad realization last night. I used to not be able to envision settling down with someone because I was afraid I would miss the chase, the jitters, the first kisses, the honeymoon phase where you adore one another's shit... But then I realized something: I am not giving up anything, I am moving on to something deeper. J and I have the chance to enjoy complete connection, a lifetime of shared experience and perfect comfort with and acceptance of one another. Finally, I have something real and the opportunity to explore and understand what all love can really mean. I don't feel like I'm losing anything; I feel utterly connected and I am gaining everything.

Final, again pathetically tangential, rambling:

My Mom is way off her rocker, and in a much different way than usual. She usually has three states: (1)Normal stepford wife interacting with the outside world. (2) Utterly depressed person lying face down naked on her bed sobbing. And (3) Manic crazy lady dissociated from her herself, joyriding without knowing where she's been. But what did I get this time? I got (4). And (4) is all new... complete apathy. She sits on the couch all day in sweats, laptop in lap. The house is a mess. She doesn't eat. Instead of speaking to me, she emails me from two cushions over (I kid not), as if turning her head to speak were too much effort. She spoke once this morning to say, "Huh. I had a dentist appointment an hour ago." And then turned back to her screen. We're dragging her to dinner and a movie tonight. We'll see how that goes. I just really hate it, like not knowing what I am going to get.


So, if I were a shrink, I could tie these together I suppose. Perhaps food is love. Perhaps when J is around the void is filled, and at home I often distinctly feel it's lack. But I am not a shrink. And I know my Mom loves me dearly, (I'm even her favorite), and just has some of her own issues to deal with.

And so it goes.

xKimX

Recovery Progress

So I have been blogging less lately. It seems like when life is going well my creative juices dry up and I have less to say, or at least less I deem sufficiently interesting. When I am struggling I swear I spend like four hours a day pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard or brush to canvas, you know what I mean), but when life goes well I feel like I have nothing worth reflecting on. Anyway, what has been happening...

An update on the love life: I'm in deep. Head over heels. It's awesome. And the best part is, beside the passion and the sex we actually click wonderfully intellectually and want the same things out of life. J has said he will go with me where ever I go to grad school. We have decided to move in together when I make this transition. I am completely excited. He says he think we ought to get engaged in the next year. If everything goes smoothely once we are living together, I'm all for it. Woohoo!

As or ED stuff... They were out of Fiber One at the grocery so I wound up buying a raisin bran type cereal. I have alot of trouble with sweet cereals, so this was a little scary. This morning I ate way too much... maybe 850 calories worth counting milk (and by maybe I mean I measured how much was left to determine how much I consumed, so yeah, pretty accurate...). I was pissed at myself. Of course. But unlike in the mega bad ED times, I didn't keep eating at that point. I went to the gym, ate veggies for luck, and am planning on a small late dinner. My mood is good, and I am feeling OK. So, there are still incidents, but not nearly as extreme. I still obsess and keep records, but without the intense emotional consequences.

I am planning to tell my shrink tomorrow that I intend to stop seeing her, She is too passive and I am too busy. I am still planning to see the D once a month or so, but I think that is all I still need from my Tx team (which I used to have appt.s with 3x/wk.). I also haven't used any drugs (except a little teeny weeny bit of pot and booze) in the last week r so. Go me!

So such is life dudes.

Live well.

xKimX

New Years Goals

Every year, since about 2002, I make myself a "life guide". It lists the current state and goals for each area of my life (relationships, education/career, health/body, etc.) in June and December I look through these to check my progress and note how I have changed. I just completed my 2009 guide update, and from it I have (as always) drawn this year's New Year's goals and resoltuions.

1. Maintain healthy eating and exercise habits and allow my body to settle at a natural, healthy weight.

2. Get into a neuroscience PhD program, hopefully somewhere in Chicago.

3. Become fully financially independent. Yes, this even means getting off the family car insurance and phone plan.

4. Stay in touch with friends and family as I move into the next phase of my life.

5. Prioritize and appreciate my relationship with Jeremy.

6. Become more environmentally friendly (open to ideas/suggestions for implementation of this!)

7. Make time to center myself and relax. Become stronger in myself and more in control of my moods.

8. Become more informed about current events (I just set my home page on my browser to a personalized Google news page!)

What are your resolutions? I LOVE to hear about how people prioritize their lives and go about improving themselves. Also, do you expect to be successful? I do.

AND for those who are interested, these 'life guides' also contain my life long goals, which actually haven't changed for several years now:

1. Have a happy healthy marriage.

2. Raise two children into well-adjusted, happy adults.

3. Stay satisfied with myself and happy with my current situation in each stage of life.

4. Get a PhD in neuroscience.

5. Discover something that will improve the quality of people's lives.

6. See the world.

7. Be free, be present, be appreciative, be aware.

8. Fill my life and the lives of others with love.

9. Leave the world somehow better then when I entered it.

Happy New Year!!!

xKimX

Doing (not planning)

With the new year fast approaching, and me once again feeling the need to pull myself out of the holiday eating rut I have found myself in, I sat down last night to make a plan of action. I began making tables of times, foods and calories and lists of things I should try to avoid. After about 10 minutes of this pondering, I glanced over at the pile of old journals and food diaries I had left out on my desk. How often do I actually follow my eloquent eating plans for their duration? Rarely. When I do, how does it make me feel? Either disappointed for being imperfect, or helpless because I am still unhappy. That pile of notebooks is filled with unchecked boxes, lines still left blank and goals unmet. So I stopped. Recovery is about breaking away from this obsessive behavior. I don't need to predetermine every bite, what I need is to be in the right mindset. I have to spend plenty of time pen to paper, I have to take time to enjoy the people I love and I have to love the body I have right now, today. Success is in doing, not planning.

And so it goes :)

The Meaning of Life in Five Sentences

I am a being as are all of you reading this, as far as we can assume. Within each of us is an animatory force, and whether or not these forces are connected, they share a certain universality: Each seeks to be loved, accepted and respected. With this drive we move through the world seeking love and connection. When we find it, intangible bridges form between seemingly sequestered sets of consciousness. This is the ultimate goal of our existence, to satisfy that need within ourselves by connecting and helping others to do so. Good is anything that promoted this, bad is anything that hinders.

This is my overly simplified operational definition of the meaning of our existence.