Binge

So I am trying to use this blog in my recovery, and I feel like reporting on my binges may be useful. Today I ate normally all day, went to class, did some homework, some creative writing, took a nap... I was getting ready to go to the gym when I realized the apartment was empty. I went to the pantry and had a single handful of my romm mate's granola. And then another. And another. Then I ate some of her chips, several spoonfuls of peanut butter, a slice of cheese, cereal, butter out of the tub with spoonfuls of brown sugar, grapes, honey, hummus, chocolate, crackers, Teddy grahams, sunflower seeds, a cookie, jelly, coke... I may have even forgotten some things. In my head I was keeping track and I think I ate about 1700 calories. Several times I stopped and left the room, but I kept going back to the kitchen. It lasted about an hour and a half. Afterwards I went downstairs to go to the gym, but apparently it closes at 7pm on Fridays. I also tried to make myself throw up, but I couldn't do it. I have tried a few times, but I have never been able to. Probably for the best. Then I showered and dressed. I am having a hard time feeling pretty. I look in the mirror and I actually look pretty good, but I have gained 30 pounds this year ( I am 5'8" and have gone from 117 to 147) and it hard to feel anything but fat with that kind of an increase. I texted some friends and made plans to go out, and then I called my Mom and told her about the binge (though I always avoid using the word) and cried for a while. I feel confused, frusterated, sad, angry. The bulimic recovery books say "fat" and "disgusting" are not feelings, but I think I feel them now.
I don't know what triggered me. I was in a good mood, I had been productive during the day, I wasn't overly hungry, I had had some interaction with other people, I had plans for the evening. Can't leave me alone for a second. I am trying to put it behind me and move on.