Gross Now But Perfect Eventually

My stomach is hugely fat today, I feel so gross. I was doing so well for a while, now I am feeling like shit again. I have definitely eaten far more than I should today, won't eat any more. I will go back to the plan my nutritionist set out for me tomorrow. I hate the way I have progressed through the ED's from a perfect skinny Ana (low weight 109 lbs. and I am 5'8"!!!), to a struggling "exercise bulimic" (fluctuated with a center at about 127 for a while) to a fat fat disgusting binge eater who is not purging but still eating. I got rid of my scale, but I am certain I must be 150 lbs. by now. I just want to curl up and cry. I can't even look at myself naked. I have a fold under my stomach almost when I sit down, it is so hideous.

I do not have spirations to be model thin anymore, but I do want to be my ideal weight, which is 135-140 lbs. according to my nutritionist. I am going to spend the rest of this year attempting to fully overcome my ED (no bingeing, no purging, no eating anything not on a plate, and between 1600-2000 calories every day). My goal is to be entirely symptom free for october, so that by the time the holidays come around I will be in control enough to avoid further gain. Then, starting in January, I will slowly and healthfully bring my weight down to my ideal range before Spring Break. For the remainder of the school year, I will continue to work with the nutritionist to maintain my ideal weight so that when I graduate and go off into the world I will be at my ideal weight, ED-free, and full equipped to stay that way.