All My Shit:

Today I have been pretty healthy, and I am blogging right now to avoid the binge urge that is sneaking up on me. The reason I use the moniker that I do is that I think of the cravings as a dragon, like something outside of myself or within myself that can consume me (and anything else in it's path). I am also born the year of the dragon, and dragons have alot of meaning in the world of addiction so it seemed appropriate. The "daft" is the bipolar thing...

ANYWAY

I have had quite a year, and Thursday another young death rocked my world again.

Year in review (events leading to current ED state):

January, February- ED, coke habit at their worst. 30 lbs underweight, no periods, teeth rotting out of my head, nose bleeds, depression because I am in love with my boyfriend who doesn't love me, zero sleep.

April- Find out the ass hole boy friend is in Europe with some other chick. Clearly we break up (my birthday). 3 days later, find out I'm pregnant, 10 days after that I miscarry. Anorexia shifts to what has been termed "exercise bulimia".

May- 2 friends from high school die, both drug related. E was was 20, M was 23. One friend is very close, he was in a car accident after popping a bunch of oxy.

June, July- Begin trying actively to recover from ED. Nutritionist, exercise councelor, gyno and dentist appointments, seeing a shrink, sleep councelor, self-help books... I really want fucking out. Some improvement, ups and downs with ED. Out of control whoreishness on my part (the Brittish guy, the ex-priest meth head maniac dude, the dairy farmer with the bod, a couple exes...).

August- Really good friend, D, dies of meth overdose. ED enters straight up bulimia phase for first time ever. Gain alot of weight (almost at "normal").

September- Things start going better. Still alot of binge eating, but exercise habits under control.

October- Meet the new guy, totally out of the depression. Still some overeating, but no purging UNTIL the events of Thursday.

Last week I find out another friend of mine, A, has fallen to meth OD. I knew she was heading that way, and when I saw her at D's funeral I said goodbye knowing it was for real, but as much as you try and prepare yourself, you can't be ready. I wasn't shocked when I heard, but still devastated. I was bingeing, running and barfing my head off for like 3 days, haven't been that bad in months. Today and yesterday I have eaten slightly less than I should and exercised slightly more (according to the "professional recommendations"), but am doing better.

Honestly, I think the fact that it was only like 3 days of ED stuff means I am gettin better. I envision the "recovery" process as ups and downs, and over time the ups become more and more frequent.

Rest in peace, A.