So I have been at my parents house since Saturday, but let me remind you, my parents are out of town and the wee ones (well, they're 12 and 16) are in school and play practice until 6 each day. That leaves me alone in a house full of food for about 10 hrs. Sunday, when everyone was home, went well. Monday and Tuesday I binged badly and was incredibly depressed. Wednesday I binged in the morning and (EEK!) self-destructively decided to weigh myself. Then I had sort of a moment. I realized I couldn't go on like this, I had to be in control. I went to the gym and worked off what I had eaten (it took 3 hrs., so my T would call it a "purge") and felt much better. The rest of yesterday and all day today I have been feeling really together. I have not even wanted to binge really (because I am way too tired and sor to go work it off!), and I feel way saner than expected.
I am not sure if this would count as ED behavior, but whatever it is it feels TONS better than earlier this week (when I was throwing temper tantrums to my empty house and the dogs licked me because I sounded injured), and I'm going to roll with it for a while. If I continue to eat normally most of the time, I won't be compelled to overexercise too often, and it might just work out well.
In other news, I am missing J but not in the obsessive way I did with my ex... I want to think this is healthy? Hard to say, I don't think I have any previous experience with "healthy" relationships to compare it to. Oh, and I had lunch with a friend today, had a really fun time and didn't even eat super fast or finish my food once I was full. Victory!
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5 comments:
yeah for you on keeping it together, I wish I could say the same for me but hey this is your blog and you are doing an awesome job!!! simpli=y awesome in fighting the Ed demon..2 thumbs to you..you rock ...keep fighting!!!
love, Z
Thanks for visiting my blog! I was pleasantly surprised to read your profile and discover many commonalities, a few that I haven't outlined in my own blog- but you've touched on it on this post. I understand the ED stuff. Do I have it? Well... some say yes and some say no. It's a long story. But connecting with others who share the same thoughts and behaviours is comforting for me in a supportive kind of way, I feel less alone. I am in the shadows with this one- as far as I know, it's a secret and everyone thinks I look great. You seem like a beautiful, fun, and smart girl. Keep sane and HEALTHY and keep mastering your mind! I'll add you to my list ;)
PS- i love what you wrote about a person's right to love as much as possible in life on my blog comments-totally awesome
Hey there, thanks for the comment. I will definitely put those books on my "wish list". Yea, feeling like crap physically does not exactly help with depression, does it, lol. Having herb and not being able to smoke it is the icing on the cake! If I had some, my dumb ass would probably smoke it anyway:P You seem like a very smart and good-natured person, so I have no doubt you will make it through this. Keep fightin', sista - we're all behind ya here! :D
P.S.
My word verification says "copse". Hmmm...not sure I like that one either, lol!
Yeah, the exercising is still a purge, BUT I think, I' unsure, but I think exercising is better than puking, mebs.
Anyway, well done on keeping it together, woo, and congrats on the meal out too. I'm crap at eating out, I ate out last week with my rents on holiday once, it was an accident kind of thing and impulsive but there was a salad of just lettuce and tomatoes on a plate, which is exactly what it was which was ok - and I got a well done for that! I musta looked well stupid, so I'm like, wow, well done!
V x
congrats on the good days :)
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