I'm back to my regular life, and I'm actually really enjoying it. Last night Jeremy came over and I cooked dinner and then we just hung out and talked (mostly ;) all eve- without any alcohol or drugs. Whoa, cool. I was actually worried at the start of our relationship that if we didn't get super fucked up we wouldn't be interested in having these long conversations with each other, so although it seems small, these little things really make the whole cleaning up my act thing see much more worth while.
Kundera, one of my favorite authors, says in his lesser-known work "Identity" that love can't survive a loss of conversation. I was thinking about this a lot- and I think I agree. The surest way to bridge the gap between one consciousness and another is through the interchange of thoughts via conversation. Even meaningless, idle chatter keeps that bridge in tact so that when something of substance needs to be said the space it must traverse is small.
Quick ED update: I am still eating regularly and nutritiously, no binges in over three weeks now. I am back to my regular exercise routine and that too is going well- I feel really refreshed after having been away from the gym (and outside hiking instead) for a week. I still have some intermitent body image issues, but for the most part I feel pretty secure and attractive. Using my body outside so much last week really helped- I'm trying to see my body not as something to look at but as something to be appreciated on many levels, and that definitely helped me along in that direction.
Oh, and a quick side note- I've been thinking for a while that I should get a professional photographer to do a nude photoshoot with me- keep it classy of course, probably no full exposure or anything- but the point is, I want to be able to say, this is me, ten pounds above my "ideal" weight and 40 pounds over my ED low... and I look FUCKIN' SEXY. Just a thought :P
Stay healthy and spread the love,
xKimX
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7 comments:
I am so proud of you!!!
you are very inspirational, I cant wait til I get to the point of acceptance, you seem to have made a 180degree turn around...and yeah for good sober conversation!!!
love, Z
Wow! many wows! First, I'm so glad your conversation is going great and you're staying clean. Second, ED victories, go you, wooooo! I'm feeling good too, no purges in 2+ weeks, go both of us! it's nice to have someone to celebrate with. I think it'd be RAD to do a nude photo shoot, you ARE sexy. I've been having similar fantasies, wanting to know I'm sexy even though I'm far from my low weight. We ARE sexy! You should totally do it. Put an ad on craigslist and someone might pay you to, although you might have less say in what you do if you take that route. Would you share the pics with anyone?
Kyla! Hi!!! I'm not allowed in your blog still... Thank you! and congratulations to you too!!! I'm so glad to hear that from you- I haven't been able to see what's up with you for a couple weeks, and last i saw u were in a not so good place, so this is AWESOME to hear!!
Share them? Hellll yes. Totally. Nothing with like full exposure to anyone but close friends and the bf, but I will share the fuck outta some of it- the point is to show people you don't have to be 100 lbs to be sexy. Whish we are. Yay!!
Thanks Z! Yeah, I don't know how it happened, I'd been working really diligently on recovery (like 3 appointments a week- d, t and fitness councelor, self-help out the wazoo, many journals, meditations, etc) when I got to a point where in the course of a week I just realized I'd finally made it to the other side. and you will too!!! I have full faith!
Kim, I'm very proud of you for all the hard work you have done and continue to do!
If I lived closer...I'd do you photos? why because no matter how I feel about myself or have struggled through my own weight issues, I have always been able to photography myself well. I can encourage you express yourself in your own images. get out the camera. You are beautiful and strong....you are a woman of compassion, emotion and sexuality.
led- thanks sooo much, i love this comment. i am not exactly sure how to go about getting this accomplished (thanks kyla), but I really want to. hopefully in January when I have some time off.
emily- thanks for the encouragement!!!
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