The good health plan is going well. I have done the workouts I intended to both yesterday and today. The work out plan is one I have been easing in to for a while, so I don't think maintaining it will be very difficult. I have also been following the eating plan really well. After years of creating diet plans for myself, I think I am finally getting better at balancing health and freedom.. The only minor issue I have had is eating slightly more than I intend (maybe 200 calories more) in the evenings. It is becoming apparent to me that J and I will be eating something at night after dinner most nights (last night we made banana smoothies), and I need to work this in to my plan. Since this plan is suppose to be one I can maintain and and not feel constrained in, I think the answer is to eat slightly less at dinner and still have a small dessert. I am thinking that 600 dinner calories and 200 late snack calories ought to be very doable.
I am already feeling really fantastic- I am not scrambling to get things done or preparing to leave town, and the feel-good benefits of living healthy are already sinking in hard core.
How much control do we really have?
It's pretty mind-boggling how much stress plays a role in my ED symptoms. I had always been a firm believer in executive control- that if someone was depressed they would be able to recover if they did the work necessary to do so, and that those who failed to see results even after months or years of drugs and therapy were probably too "lazy" to do what they had to to get better (there's an ED trait for ya). Now I am not as sure- I do still think that will power and willingness to make an effort play a huge role in recovery from many mental disorders (ED most definitely included), but seeing how I am SO negatively affected by stress I am beginning to understand the complexity of the issue. Very gray. Opinions?
How much is a person supposed to do every day?
I had an exam this morning that I think went fine, then I went to the gym and did my laundry. Somehow, though, I am still feeling like I have been "lazy" today. I spent some time reading blogs and looking around at Madison apartments on Craigslist (see photo of my lovely new home city below), but not much down time other than that. When I think about it objectively I have really done a fine amount of stuff, especially considering the period of interview/travel craziness I have just come out of, but I can never seem to give myself permission to relax. (More by-the-book ED stuff...) Anyway, as I no longer have a therapist, it is my job to be proactive in my own treatment. As per that end, I am giving myself the rest of the day off. I am only doing whatever I feel like doing and nothing else.
Me n My Man :P
Oh, update- so last night J and I made Mexican food. As we were sitting to eat, he said, "I'm gonna have a beer." Now, he wouldn't announce it if he didn't know I was on edge about it. I stupidly said (under my breath, mind you, he hears like a bat), "Happy Monday" in a sarcastic little voice. I immediately felt guilty. He rolled his eyes (I couldn't see him, but I imagine he did), and said, "OK, fine, I guess I won't". I said that I was sorry and that it really wasn't my place and that came out really harshly. I wanted to go on and explain what I really wanted to say, but he was annoyed so it wasn't the right time. We went on with dinner and there actually wasn't any lingering awkwardness or negative feelings. Later that night, while we were looking at possible hiking trails for our upcoming mountain trip, I again said, "I'm really sorry I said that before, I didn't want to hurt you or piss you off, it's just that I love you and I worry." He said, in a very calm and good-natured tone, "You can say whatever you want, always." That made me feel pretty good because he always is emphasizing how much he wants to hear what is on my mind or what is bothering me and how important communication is. We had an awesome rest of the evening- really silly and relaxed- and I imagine he'll speak up it soon- he usually does after a couple of days. I feel really good about the situation. I love this man and he is a brilliant introspective individual who, as I've said before, will always be able to stand on his own two feet. Hehe, and he just emailed me saying he put a roast in this morning for dinner- yay for man who cooks :)
Hooray life!
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6 comments:
You are absolutely correct about the issue being very complex (like any psychological disorder). I've put a tremedous amount of work into overcoming my depression throughout my life & I've sacrificed so much for that quest. It has definitely improved over time, but outside factors cannot be denied. And these factors can vary greatly from person to person as well as each individual's susceptibility to each factor (god - I sound like friggin' textbook, lol!). Anyway, I definitely think you are wise for being okay with letting yourself relax. A foreigner said to me once: "In my country, we work to live. But in America, people live to work!". How absurd...but true! ;)
I love how insightful you are with all aspects of your life. You know what you want, you find a way to get there, and you watch yourself in your journey. Good on you for that!
I've been similar on the productiveness front - I had a right old tantrum rant yesterday because I was annoyed at myself for, yes you said it, being so "lazy". That sounds good about J, and how he wants to hear what you've got to say, that n itself says a lot, so yay! Hiking trip, oooh sounds fun. I'd love to go on a bike riding trip one day, in Holland or somewhere similar! :D
Oh, and just FYI, I've posted another new song in case you're interested:
http://www.myspace.com/chameleonskinmusic
(hey, I gotta plug!) :P
So glad things are going well! It's great that you are able to recognize ED issues and consider them from a rational point of view. Good for you for taking the rest of the day off! Enjoy it :)
coke- haha, actually sound more informed then most textbooks. I agree, that the effort must be there, but just because the effort is there doesn't mean that everything will just be overcome. Haha, lets try and just live :)
Jena- Thanks! I often have a hard time relaxing and enjoying the journey as you say, but if it seems like i do i must be making progress :)
V- o, lazy, such an enemy. I wonder what it is that continually drives us to work into the ground? and bike trip? that sounds awesome! haha, I def want to make it to holland as well, but for me it would require an $800+ plane ticket...
Katie- Thanks for the support! Rational and Ed, as we know, don't really go together, so hopefully it's a way to beat this crap down :)
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