Fighting Bipolar, Cravings and the "Fat feeling"... and Actually Winning

A funny thing about bipolar disorder is that after a while you can predict the highs and lows, almost feel a raise or a drop coming a day or so in advance. Over time you learn to expect this, to the point that highs are difficult to enjoy due to knowledge of an impending period of depression.
Tuesday I woke up and I had that ominous feeling. My usually racing mind was sluggish, my motivation was caput, I felt "fat" for the first time in quite a while, I was stressed out about my less-that-trying day and nothing that usually cheers me sounded fun. Dr. A has been trying to convince me that I do not have to succumb to these feelings and mood changes, that I can be "proactive" and reverse them- but of course this is easier said than done. It's hard to make yourself follow a list of pick-me-ups when simply dressing seems daunting.
Luckily, I didn't have to be anywhere until 2pm, leaving me 6 hrs. to work out and get dressed. Given the state I was in, that was about the right amount of time. Before I even got to the gym, the little ED behaviors were sneaking up:
(1) I started picking at leftovers and food that was still in the package,
(2) At lunch I went back for another cookie- twice.
And (3) I actually chewed this gooey dessert bar thing and spit it out. At this point I told myself, Kim you are recovered; you do not need this anymore. You are strong and you can not slip.

I was determined. I did everything I could think of to snap out of it:

1. Go to the gym, do strength, cardio and streching. Appreciate my body in motion and enjoy the chemical rush.
2. Shower, dress and really put myself together. Find things I like about the way I look, and walk confidently (even if I don't feel it).
3. Hit the tanning salon- nothing like a little UV therapy to fight the winter blues.
4. Listen to happy music. I was rocking me some Sheryl Crow on my iPod at the lab, and yeah I got some looks as I loudly sang "I wanna soak up the sun", but hey, it felt great.
5. Write about it! Open up my journal, put that nice Uniball to the course paper and let it spill. I also wrote emotion lists and gratitude lists.
6. Ensure I wouldn't be alone (i.e. have opportunities to binge) in the evening. Luckily, Jeremy took care of this by inviting me out for the night and pick me up straight from work.

So by the time I was locking up the lab around 7, I was feeling pretty good. Jeremy took me to see an indie flick at the local art theater with some friends. (This theater serves tea and baked goods instead of soda and popcorn- I had Chamomille and a bite of Jeremy's brownie.) Afterwards a few of us went out for a beer to talk about the film. It was a great conversation, and Jeremy and I both managed to stick to one beer a piece. At this point I was feeling like myself again, really "in it". Jeremy and I went back to his place, watched the Colbert Report, and ended up talking until 4am. I felt so fortunate and connected, all the more so because I know how horribly this day could have ended.

Today I once again feel amazing. I managed to ward off a bout of depression, avoid a probable ED relapse, and practice moderation in a bar. Two months ago I would have said none of these things were possible, but believe you me it is well within reach. I feel in control and enjoy each passing breath.

Wishing you all health and happiness,
xKimX

Ugh. Hangin' in there.

Ugh. I just went out to a big steak dinner with my family and I feel totally gross. I suppose it wouldn't qualify as a binge because it was not "significantly more than most people would eat in a similar situation" and also because I was not alone, but the tight-skinned bloated belly certainly feels binge-like. I have a plan for tomorrow and I am truly trying to treat myself well; I will keep my portions in check.
Being with the family 24/7, being on vacation, and it being Thanksgiving week, I would say this is an ultimate test of my ability to truly achieve a state of ED recovery. I am determined.

On the success side, I did manage to avoid all processed foods today- no Doritos, Oreos, or other junk traps my family keeps stocked. Even better, way out here I am in no danger of any drug use, and I'll probably only have a total of about one bottle of wine all week, so the staying clean thing is going well (by default).

I'm still really worried about J drinking. I don't want him to have to run from anything. I understand that the fact that he recognizes and wants to fix the problem is huge, and I know he will. My problem is trying not to get overly involved. Where do I draw the line? I know I shouldn't guilt or nag him or push him into anything he doesn't want to do, but can I express to him how it worries me? Can I tell him I can't see myself staying with a man long-term who doesn't have that under control? Because that is true. I just love him and want him to be OK, and I don't want our relationship to develop any unhealthy codependencies. I dunno, maybe I'm making this bigger than it is, I'm just worried.

Happy Thanksgiving all... ha. ha. ha.