Binge. Cookies, brownies, ice cream, chocolate, peanut butter, cereal, milk, brown sugar out of the jar, hot chocolate mix, totilla chips, pita chips, hummus... God I am so gross. And now I get to tell my nutritionist what I have done. Awesome.
I am alone in my apartment, and am nervous about the weekend. No, nothing bad is happening, I am just generally unable to handle every day life. I asked my new guy to just hang out and relax with me tonight, but now I'm worried I will bore him, and I think he thinks I meant my place but I can't do that now because apparently we are hosting wine night for some people in my room mate's sorority. My favorite. My room mate's boyfriend is in town and they like to mess around with the bedroom door open so I am annoyed. Some friends of mine are coming down from Chicago, but I honestly don't feel like going out and getting fucked up with them. (I am currently ignoring a phone call). Tomorrow there are plans for early drinking and football tailgating, and my room mate wants me to go with her and her man (drag), my guy wants me to go meet his parents (eek! so not ready), and I want to get outside and run and not stop until I hit Memphis. I would burn off all these gross calories and not have to see anyone.
I feel so fucking fat and disgusting.
Oh, and I had a pseudo-revelation today: I think I know why I am such a compulsive fucking liar. When I make things up it is so people will think there is some legitimate reason for me feeling the way I feel, when in fact I have no fucking clue what triggers my massive mood swings. Example: I feel depressed, angry and utterly disconnected. I tell someone that someone I know OD'd last night, and I am worried. Sometimes it has been true when I have said this, sometimes it has not. But the feeling I want someone to empathize with is the same. So fucked up, I hate the way I use and manipulate people. I hate the negative impact my existence has on that of others. I want to drown my own feelings rather than make up reasons for them.
Maybe its another piece of the ED puzzle, maybe I'm just a sadist who enjoys spreading hurt and dishonesty. Who knows, not I.
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5 comments:
Have you considered looking in a mirror and telling yourself (what ever yourself is) that you're a liar? I should probably do this too.
I'm going to eat tonight, and I don't really want to. I just want to be healthy. I hope you find the control you're looking for.
Oh yeah, I think you're pretty. But when I think about the phlegm, mucus, blood, guts, urine, bile, and feces, it does put a damper on the whole "body is beautiful" view. Perhaps there is a balanced way of seeing the body. I am still struggling with the ideas of sex and celibacy.
May the Force be With You (well, what else is there to say in this day and age?!)
Hey there,
I have indeed done this, and it is not fun. I have also told my shrink (who I incidentally have also lied to, however, and instead of fess up i'm switching to a new one thinking i can *start fresh*), and my Mom. Next: my boyfriend (yea, right).
Update: it is 5:40 and I am still in control.
Thanks Kevin :)
I've taken honesty to a whole new level. I told an ex-girlfriend that I wanted to have sex with her kid sister. She actually handled it rather well, then I let her find out that I cheated on her with a lady at work. Now I'm a little more mellow, but I'll occasionally blurt out that I was molested as a kid to people when I don't know them very well. I just don't have time to lie...besides, my memory isn't good enough to lie... :)
It might be fun to play a game of deception with someone you really trust though...kind of like pranks and stuff, but some underlying rules would have to be established. Middleway...
wow... thats awesome (i think). My issue isn't so much that I lie about things I have done, its that i make stuff up. i too will talk very openly about things i shouldnt (drug history, past sexual abuse, etc.), but sometimes i throw in shit that is completely false, like somehow that will protect the secrets i've spilled because no one will know whats what. i also make things up to legitimize a mood that i have without reason so people will understand how i'm feeling even if not why.
the memory thing is funny- i do tend to forget what ive said sometimes, but ive become masterful in recovering. not trying to sound proud, i am incredibly ashamed of my dishonesty. i haven't lied recently though i don't think. maybe i'll start keeping a lies journal.
Hmmm, was your last comment honest? *rubs his chin*
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