During my morning meditation I was thinking about lonliness, and how when I was in the depths of my ED or the throws of any other addiction I have dealt with these last few years, loneliness always seemed to be a factor. When I would really try and decipher what exactly I was trying to stiffle or run from lonliness would always come to mind. From there I began to ponder what might have changed.
First, I identified a few main reasons I (and probably a lot of people with low self-esteem and self-destructive tendencies) had felt so disconnected; how I had built walls instead of bridges, leaving me lonely even when surrounded by people:
1. I lied all the time.
I lied to hide my ED, to legitimize feelings I couldn't or didn't want to explain, to make people find me interesting or worthwhile because I couldn't imagine the real me would do that.
I have worked really hard to become more honest, but now that I am with J who is actually genuine almost all the time, I see how far I have to go. Already, though, I feel more connected and am beginning to see people will actually like me (which feels great).
2. I always pretended everything was perfect.
This made it so people had no chance to see where I was coming from, and didn't feel comfortable sharing themselves with me. Admitting my ED troubles has really helped me get past this.
3. I was critical of others and myself.
This makes people uncomfortable and unsure of how I might speak of them in their absence. Speaking highly of others has made me judge myself less harshly and made others more apt to be around me.
I am not sure whether these tendencies developed prior or in response to my ED and other escapisms, but I am sure that working on these things is helping me learn to love myself and live fully.
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5 comments:
sorry drunk, so typing may be out of whak, however, I agree with the rst two points! Lonliness has been a huge factor for me in my ED too. My parents, once in the early days, aske why and when I puked, I said when I feel lonely, and they couldn't understand. Why did I feel lonely etc! Basically used b/ping to replace the friends I though I'd lost through falling outs because of my low self esttem it was all my fault and so thereforeI deserved to not see them and eat and puking consumed all of my time whilst on my own - so yeah, totally right there!
Oh god it's monday, I have college in the morning!
V
Telling the truth is by far the best thing you can do! Good job ;)
And hanks for the support about writing. I need as much as I can get :)
Wow - I TOTALLY hear you on the disconnection & feeling lonely in a crowd. I actually wrote a song about just that called "disconnected". Dealing with esteem issues is hell - I know. My therapist once caught me being very critical about myself & stopped me. She said: "Dude, you are so compassionate & understanding of other people - WHY DON'T YOU TREAT YOURSELF WITH THE SAME RESPECT??". It made a LOT of sense & really stuck, lol!
can I tell you how much this resonated with me...feeling alone and isolated was/is a huuge factor inmy Ed, I can feel and often do feel completely alone in a room full of people and the lying oh the lying, I did nt even know what the truth was anymore...I was always hiding something so my Ed wouldnt be found out...although when I was AN it got kinda hard to hide but I would still lie...and you know the one we are really hurting by all this decite full behavior is ourselves!
Keep digging you are doing great work here!
love, Z
I think people with EDs (can't speak for other addictions, but it may hold true as well) tend to push people away in these things. It is scary letting people in, but so worth it.
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