Blow and Body Love

So I am currently in the lab (yes, on Saturday). Last night was the end of our Monday-Thursday complete sobriety plan, and we selected Friday as an OK day to drink and what not. We went to a local tapas bar for a drink, and then went to the grocery to get food for a nice meal at home. We made pork chops with a grapefruit avocado relish- sounds weird but trust me it was awesome. Then we get a text. J's brother M wants us to come over to his place for some "cough, sledding". My adorable J says, "I think I'll tell him it's a little too cold out." After a sideways look from me, he gets the subtext. We decide, hey, today is our party day for the week and we haven't seen M and his fiance A in a long time. It turned out to be an AWESOME night. When we first get there A comes up to me and asks me to be her bridesmaid! I was SO excited, I really feel like I am becoming a part of their family :) I had great conversations with J, M and A, and overall the night was lovely. J and M are the musical sort and I was highly impressed by them throughout the night. M sounds completely like Brad Nowell when he sings. J and I stayed over and stayed up all night talking and... well we know what blow does :) Best part? No comedown. I am at work now, haven't slept a wink, and haven't had a toot in 9 hours- I feel tired but mostly very good. (a.k.a. I am not sitting here envying the rats I coke up in the lab). Maybe because my body has had it so easy all week. J and I are of course back no-nothing now, but I feel like once in a while is OK. Also, our mindset has changed- we had 6 grams plus unlimited booze, pot and cigarettes. Between us all we only finished 3 grams (M has grand ideas for some special at home wash for the rest), and I didn't do anything else. J had a few beers, but really kept it pretty under control. I am also completely thrilled because when I first was saying we ought to cut back, I said to J that 3 days a week was more than enough. Now he says we should only have one day a week to put weird shit in our bodies. So yea, I am excited for moderated fun.

While we were laying around and letting everything wear off, J and I got to talking about my body image issues and ED stuff, and how even though I am eating healthfully now I am still obsessing. He literally gave me an hour long pep talk about how great my body was and I felt so incredible and so loved. He talked about every part of my body and why he loved it, paying special attention to my stomach- touching it and telling me how it is a woman's "most under appreciated curve"- (and he really actually finds it sexy- he got hard on from touching my little soft tummy!)At the end of that talk I came to the realization that I really don't need to lose weight, even now. I honestly think I get hit on more now than I did when I was thin (likely because I am happy and it shows) and that I really am beautiful as is. My new goal is to be as healthy as possible. If that causes me to lose weight, great. If not, that's great too. I feel like I had a major breakthrough in body love. Fuck the numbers, I look incredible.

Wishing moderation and self-ppreciation to all of you!

xKimX

New Years Goals

Every year, since about 2002, I make myself a "life guide". It lists the current state and goals for each area of my life (relationships, education/career, health/body, etc.) in June and December I look through these to check my progress and note how I have changed. I just completed my 2009 guide update, and from it I have (as always) drawn this year's New Year's goals and resoltuions.

1. Maintain healthy eating and exercise habits and allow my body to settle at a natural, healthy weight.

2. Get into a neuroscience PhD program, hopefully somewhere in Chicago.

3. Become fully financially independent. Yes, this even means getting off the family car insurance and phone plan.

4. Stay in touch with friends and family as I move into the next phase of my life.

5. Prioritize and appreciate my relationship with Jeremy.

6. Become more environmentally friendly (open to ideas/suggestions for implementation of this!)

7. Make time to center myself and relax. Become stronger in myself and more in control of my moods.

8. Become more informed about current events (I just set my home page on my browser to a personalized Google news page!)

What are your resolutions? I LOVE to hear about how people prioritize their lives and go about improving themselves. Also, do you expect to be successful? I do.

AND for those who are interested, these 'life guides' also contain my life long goals, which actually haven't changed for several years now:

1. Have a happy healthy marriage.

2. Raise two children into well-adjusted, happy adults.

3. Stay satisfied with myself and happy with my current situation in each stage of life.

4. Get a PhD in neuroscience.

5. Discover something that will improve the quality of people's lives.

6. See the world.

7. Be free, be present, be appreciative, be aware.

8. Fill my life and the lives of others with love.

9. Leave the world somehow better then when I entered it.

Happy New Year!!!

xKimX

Speed Bump

I think I just binged. I say I think because I don't intend to purge. But yea, it happened. I am leaving in 30 minutes to go upstate with J to meet my parents. I have not been sleeping properly, I have been neglecting the journaling and meditating that keeps me sane. I have been stressed over finals and Christmas. I am so pissed at myself. I was getting ready to leave my apartment, cleaning and packin and what not. Then I started to eat some of the foods that would go bad while I was away- healthy stuff. Green beans, grape fruit, yogurt, carrots, pear. Then slightly less healthy stuff. Tortillas and beans, dried fruit, nuts. Then bad stuff. Chips, cookies. I have eaten about 1700 calories today, which would mean that I am only supposed to eat 300 more. I worked out this morning, which helps, and I put on an outfit that makes me feels slim even though I still feel a bit fat. My Mom is cooking dinner tonight, and I know I can't restrict or over eat. It has to be just right. I will aim for about 500 calories- 200 from protein, 150 from carb, 150 from fruit and veggies. That will only put me slightly over, and it is still a long time until I have to eat (about 5 or 6 hours). I am trying to remain calm and not freak out about this. My N says everyone overeats sometimes, even stress eating is normal. The difference between ED and normal is continuing to stress about it. So I am going to put it behind me and eat a normal, healthy dinner. And I am going to go back to sleeping regularly and journaling or blogging every day. I can do this. This is not a road block, it is a speed bump that I need to just drive right on past. Wish me luck.

Loneliness and Connection

During my morning meditation I was thinking about lonliness, and how when I was in the depths of my ED or the throws of any other addiction I have dealt with these last few years, loneliness always seemed to be a factor. When I would really try and decipher what exactly I was trying to stiffle or run from lonliness would always come to mind. From there I began to ponder what might have changed.

First, I identified a few main reasons I (and probably a lot of people with low self-esteem and self-destructive tendencies) had felt so disconnected; how I had built walls instead of bridges, leaving me lonely even when surrounded by people:

1. I lied all the time.
I lied to hide my ED, to legitimize feelings I couldn't or didn't want to explain, to make people find me interesting or worthwhile because I couldn't imagine the real me would do that.
I have worked really hard to become more honest, but now that I am with J who is actually genuine almost all the time, I see how far I have to go. Already, though, I feel more connected and am beginning to see people will actually like me (which feels great).

2. I always pretended everything was perfect.
This made it so people had no chance to see where I was coming from, and didn't feel comfortable sharing themselves with me. Admitting my ED troubles has really helped me get past this.

3. I was critical of others and myself.
This makes people uncomfortable and unsure of how I might speak of them in their absence. Speaking highly of others has made me judge myself less harshly and made others more apt to be around me.

I am not sure whether these tendencies developed prior or in response to my ED and other escapisms, but I am sure that working on these things is helping me learn to love myself and live fully.