Positive Energy

So I haven't weighed myself this week, but I don't think I am going to. Last Friday was what has come to be known as "Unofficial" at my University. Because St. Patrick's Day usually falls over our Spring Break, a tradition has developed where we celebrate St. Patty's early, with an all-day drinking fest on a Friday in the beginning of March. I started out with Kegs'n'Eggs at 8 am, followed by a 3-kegger with pizza at my place around 2pm (see below for me rocking out on my balcony), and leaving for the bars at 9pm or so. Needless to say, many many beer and junk food calories. I am not weighing myself because I know I will try to be healthy this week regardless of what the scale says, and if I see a high number I will just be down on myself. So, as part of my new effort to give off and absorb only positive energy, I will refrain.



So this is probably TMI, but I'm gonna go ahead and share. Last week I skipped my period. I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant (my thyroid disorder just makes my body do stupid things sometimes), but for a while I was pretty worried. I told J about the situation, and I assured him, "This isn't uncommon for me, so you really shouldn't worry." And, dun dun DAH! He says with a smile, "I wouldn't worry. I'd be excited." How freaking lucky am I? This was the most comforting, reassuring, unexpected thing I could have possibly heard. Folks, this is my guy, without doubt. No, I don't want a kid right now, but I'm so stoked. I totally love this man.

This last weekend J and I completely overhauled his apartment. We rearranged furniture, cleaned out all the junk, scoured the whole place, finally finished decorating, all that jazz. All we need now is a dining set (we're currently rocking the card table and folding chairs), which I intend to go find tomorrow. The point is, we really turned "his place" into "our home". He's making me a key this week and I am going to start moving my stuff over there. It's totally exciting.

The Neuroscience program at Madison has an option for a dual degree that includes a master's in public policy. I was initially interested, then decided not to apply, then during the interview weekend got excited about it again, then again was daunted by the workload and backed out. Now I am getting many, many emails from people in charge of the program wanting me to reconsider and go ahead and do it. The upside would be that I would have a free extra degree with the option of doing cool legal stuff related to neuroscience (stem cell laws, brain death cases, etc.) The down side is I would be in school for at least *7* more years, and would have even less life then someone just being a normal neuroscience graduate student. I'll let you all know how the situation unfolds, but I'm currently totally torn.

So, that is an update in the life of the Kim. Now, I am off to the gym (eventually) to try and get back on track with this "healthy body" stuff.

xKimX

On Track

So yesterday I called the shrink's office to "finalize the divorce". I got no answer, so I got to enjoy the anonymity and sheepishness of voicemail. And you know what? I feel fantastic. Today was GREAT. I ate healthfully all day, I made it to the gym, I was mega productive and I am even looking forward to cooking Mexican food with J tonight. (You heard me, I WANT to eat dinner! I'm not over-stuffed or self-loathing!) This could have something to do with the fact that my weight was down this morning. Funny how that still dictates the tone of the entire day. However, one little good push is sometimes enough to start me on that path, so here to hoping. I feel like I'm finally ready to lose the excess and no more. Today, I feel healthy, happy and accepting of myself.

Tomorrow I am leaving for another interview- UW Madison. The more I think about it, the more it seems like that is the right place for me to be. (I know, I'm fickle.) Madison is a liberal town with a great music scene and amazing restaurants. It has fantastic surrounding scenery, doesn't require a car and has an intimacy larger cities lack. J would do really well there, and he would have any easy time going back to school (which he has expressed interest in doing). There are also a lot of jobs there. The only problem now is getting in- Madison is ranked really highly among Neuroscience PhD programs. Higher than my Chicago schools. I am worrying now that I will have gotten myself over-psyched now and then won't get in. Gah. I really REALLY want this... Wish me luck!

Doing Better : )

So since I have been back in town I have been doing WAY better. J and I have been really healthy- cooking all of our meals at home from scratch with whole foods, going to the gym, getting plenty of relaxation time- it has been great, SO what I needed.
On Friday we went to a Michael Franti concert in Indiana- for those of you who don't know him, get on it. He's pretty much the Bob Marley of this generation and very much worth your time. Saturday we really vegged hard core- movies, food, lots of sickeningly adorable love and affection. Since everything had been so crazy recently we didn't really do anything spectacular for V-day, just enjoyed one another at home and felt good. It was exactly what I needed. Sunday was J's B-day, and sadly the present I got him did not come in time which made me feel like a loser, but whatever, it'll get here. I did make him a banana chocolate cake (without a mix or anything!) with mocha glaze frosting. I'm gonna go ahead and pat myself on the back here- it was fucking orgasmic. His bro M and the fiance A came over, and a couple of his friends stopped by. We shot some pool for a short bit in the eve and I fell asleep watching "Say Anything" (which is apparently the Breakfast Club of the early nineties that I had until now completely missed).
Throughout the whole weekend J seemed kinda down. At first I was blaming myself- I didn't have his present, I hadn't planned anything all that exciting- but he sort of spoke up about it last night to assure me I was not the source. He said I had been awesome, but "a bunch of things" were making him upset. He said he has always had trouble with his birthdays (a tree fell on him on his b-day once when he was a kid- I doubt that's the source of lingering anxiety, but a little funny). I know he said a while ago that his b-day would be hard this year (he is dealing with some major recent loss), and that could be it. His Mom went out of town over this weekend which might have bothered him. He has said he doesn't like getting older (he's 26- so God knows what 30 will do :P ). Whatever the case, I wish he would talk to me about it because I feel a little disconnected. Communication is something we pride ourselves in, and I want to ask him to share with me, but at the same time I don't want to be prying or invasive or digging up unpleasant feelings. I am hoping we'll be able to talk about whatever it is this eve...

(Insert clever transition here)

And an ED thought...
I have realized that before I met J, Monday-Thursday were good ED days and the weekends were shit. Now, pretty much the opposite because I am with him all weekend and then Monday I am left to my own devices. What I need is to combine the two- really be scheduled and disciplined during the week and use all my strategies, and then be around J and friends on the off times. Right now I feel great- I'll keep you all posted on how the rest of the week goes.

Blow and Body Love

So I am currently in the lab (yes, on Saturday). Last night was the end of our Monday-Thursday complete sobriety plan, and we selected Friday as an OK day to drink and what not. We went to a local tapas bar for a drink, and then went to the grocery to get food for a nice meal at home. We made pork chops with a grapefruit avocado relish- sounds weird but trust me it was awesome. Then we get a text. J's brother M wants us to come over to his place for some "cough, sledding". My adorable J says, "I think I'll tell him it's a little too cold out." After a sideways look from me, he gets the subtext. We decide, hey, today is our party day for the week and we haven't seen M and his fiance A in a long time. It turned out to be an AWESOME night. When we first get there A comes up to me and asks me to be her bridesmaid! I was SO excited, I really feel like I am becoming a part of their family :) I had great conversations with J, M and A, and overall the night was lovely. J and M are the musical sort and I was highly impressed by them throughout the night. M sounds completely like Brad Nowell when he sings. J and I stayed over and stayed up all night talking and... well we know what blow does :) Best part? No comedown. I am at work now, haven't slept a wink, and haven't had a toot in 9 hours- I feel tired but mostly very good. (a.k.a. I am not sitting here envying the rats I coke up in the lab). Maybe because my body has had it so easy all week. J and I are of course back no-nothing now, but I feel like once in a while is OK. Also, our mindset has changed- we had 6 grams plus unlimited booze, pot and cigarettes. Between us all we only finished 3 grams (M has grand ideas for some special at home wash for the rest), and I didn't do anything else. J had a few beers, but really kept it pretty under control. I am also completely thrilled because when I first was saying we ought to cut back, I said to J that 3 days a week was more than enough. Now he says we should only have one day a week to put weird shit in our bodies. So yea, I am excited for moderated fun.

While we were laying around and letting everything wear off, J and I got to talking about my body image issues and ED stuff, and how even though I am eating healthfully now I am still obsessing. He literally gave me an hour long pep talk about how great my body was and I felt so incredible and so loved. He talked about every part of my body and why he loved it, paying special attention to my stomach- touching it and telling me how it is a woman's "most under appreciated curve"- (and he really actually finds it sexy- he got hard on from touching my little soft tummy!)At the end of that talk I came to the realization that I really don't need to lose weight, even now. I honestly think I get hit on more now than I did when I was thin (likely because I am happy and it shows) and that I really am beautiful as is. My new goal is to be as healthy as possible. If that causes me to lose weight, great. If not, that's great too. I feel like I had a major breakthrough in body love. Fuck the numbers, I look incredible.

Wishing moderation and self-ppreciation to all of you!

xKimX

New Years Goals

Every year, since about 2002, I make myself a "life guide". It lists the current state and goals for each area of my life (relationships, education/career, health/body, etc.) in June and December I look through these to check my progress and note how I have changed. I just completed my 2009 guide update, and from it I have (as always) drawn this year's New Year's goals and resoltuions.

1. Maintain healthy eating and exercise habits and allow my body to settle at a natural, healthy weight.

2. Get into a neuroscience PhD program, hopefully somewhere in Chicago.

3. Become fully financially independent. Yes, this even means getting off the family car insurance and phone plan.

4. Stay in touch with friends and family as I move into the next phase of my life.

5. Prioritize and appreciate my relationship with Jeremy.

6. Become more environmentally friendly (open to ideas/suggestions for implementation of this!)

7. Make time to center myself and relax. Become stronger in myself and more in control of my moods.

8. Become more informed about current events (I just set my home page on my browser to a personalized Google news page!)

What are your resolutions? I LOVE to hear about how people prioritize their lives and go about improving themselves. Also, do you expect to be successful? I do.

AND for those who are interested, these 'life guides' also contain my life long goals, which actually haven't changed for several years now:

1. Have a happy healthy marriage.

2. Raise two children into well-adjusted, happy adults.

3. Stay satisfied with myself and happy with my current situation in each stage of life.

4. Get a PhD in neuroscience.

5. Discover something that will improve the quality of people's lives.

6. See the world.

7. Be free, be present, be appreciative, be aware.

8. Fill my life and the lives of others with love.

9. Leave the world somehow better then when I entered it.

Happy New Year!!!

xKimX

Speed Bump

I think I just binged. I say I think because I don't intend to purge. But yea, it happened. I am leaving in 30 minutes to go upstate with J to meet my parents. I have not been sleeping properly, I have been neglecting the journaling and meditating that keeps me sane. I have been stressed over finals and Christmas. I am so pissed at myself. I was getting ready to leave my apartment, cleaning and packin and what not. Then I started to eat some of the foods that would go bad while I was away- healthy stuff. Green beans, grape fruit, yogurt, carrots, pear. Then slightly less healthy stuff. Tortillas and beans, dried fruit, nuts. Then bad stuff. Chips, cookies. I have eaten about 1700 calories today, which would mean that I am only supposed to eat 300 more. I worked out this morning, which helps, and I put on an outfit that makes me feels slim even though I still feel a bit fat. My Mom is cooking dinner tonight, and I know I can't restrict or over eat. It has to be just right. I will aim for about 500 calories- 200 from protein, 150 from carb, 150 from fruit and veggies. That will only put me slightly over, and it is still a long time until I have to eat (about 5 or 6 hours). I am trying to remain calm and not freak out about this. My N says everyone overeats sometimes, even stress eating is normal. The difference between ED and normal is continuing to stress about it. So I am going to put it behind me and eat a normal, healthy dinner. And I am going to go back to sleeping regularly and journaling or blogging every day. I can do this. This is not a road block, it is a speed bump that I need to just drive right on past. Wish me luck.

Fighting Bipolar, Cravings and the "Fat feeling"... and Actually Winning

A funny thing about bipolar disorder is that after a while you can predict the highs and lows, almost feel a raise or a drop coming a day or so in advance. Over time you learn to expect this, to the point that highs are difficult to enjoy due to knowledge of an impending period of depression.
Tuesday I woke up and I had that ominous feeling. My usually racing mind was sluggish, my motivation was caput, I felt "fat" for the first time in quite a while, I was stressed out about my less-that-trying day and nothing that usually cheers me sounded fun. Dr. A has been trying to convince me that I do not have to succumb to these feelings and mood changes, that I can be "proactive" and reverse them- but of course this is easier said than done. It's hard to make yourself follow a list of pick-me-ups when simply dressing seems daunting.
Luckily, I didn't have to be anywhere until 2pm, leaving me 6 hrs. to work out and get dressed. Given the state I was in, that was about the right amount of time. Before I even got to the gym, the little ED behaviors were sneaking up:
(1) I started picking at leftovers and food that was still in the package,
(2) At lunch I went back for another cookie- twice.
And (3) I actually chewed this gooey dessert bar thing and spit it out. At this point I told myself, Kim you are recovered; you do not need this anymore. You are strong and you can not slip.

I was determined. I did everything I could think of to snap out of it:

1. Go to the gym, do strength, cardio and streching. Appreciate my body in motion and enjoy the chemical rush.
2. Shower, dress and really put myself together. Find things I like about the way I look, and walk confidently (even if I don't feel it).
3. Hit the tanning salon- nothing like a little UV therapy to fight the winter blues.
4. Listen to happy music. I was rocking me some Sheryl Crow on my iPod at the lab, and yeah I got some looks as I loudly sang "I wanna soak up the sun", but hey, it felt great.
5. Write about it! Open up my journal, put that nice Uniball to the course paper and let it spill. I also wrote emotion lists and gratitude lists.
6. Ensure I wouldn't be alone (i.e. have opportunities to binge) in the evening. Luckily, Jeremy took care of this by inviting me out for the night and pick me up straight from work.

So by the time I was locking up the lab around 7, I was feeling pretty good. Jeremy took me to see an indie flick at the local art theater with some friends. (This theater serves tea and baked goods instead of soda and popcorn- I had Chamomille and a bite of Jeremy's brownie.) Afterwards a few of us went out for a beer to talk about the film. It was a great conversation, and Jeremy and I both managed to stick to one beer a piece. At this point I was feeling like myself again, really "in it". Jeremy and I went back to his place, watched the Colbert Report, and ended up talking until 4am. I felt so fortunate and connected, all the more so because I know how horribly this day could have ended.

Today I once again feel amazing. I managed to ward off a bout of depression, avoid a probable ED relapse, and practice moderation in a bar. Two months ago I would have said none of these things were possible, but believe you me it is well within reach. I feel in control and enjoy each passing breath.

Wishing you all health and happiness,
xKimX