Positive Energy

So I haven't weighed myself this week, but I don't think I am going to. Last Friday was what has come to be known as "Unofficial" at my University. Because St. Patrick's Day usually falls over our Spring Break, a tradition has developed where we celebrate St. Patty's early, with an all-day drinking fest on a Friday in the beginning of March. I started out with Kegs'n'Eggs at 8 am, followed by a 3-kegger with pizza at my place around 2pm (see below for me rocking out on my balcony), and leaving for the bars at 9pm or so. Needless to say, many many beer and junk food calories. I am not weighing myself because I know I will try to be healthy this week regardless of what the scale says, and if I see a high number I will just be down on myself. So, as part of my new effort to give off and absorb only positive energy, I will refrain.



So this is probably TMI, but I'm gonna go ahead and share. Last week I skipped my period. I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant (my thyroid disorder just makes my body do stupid things sometimes), but for a while I was pretty worried. I told J about the situation, and I assured him, "This isn't uncommon for me, so you really shouldn't worry." And, dun dun DAH! He says with a smile, "I wouldn't worry. I'd be excited." How freaking lucky am I? This was the most comforting, reassuring, unexpected thing I could have possibly heard. Folks, this is my guy, without doubt. No, I don't want a kid right now, but I'm so stoked. I totally love this man.

This last weekend J and I completely overhauled his apartment. We rearranged furniture, cleaned out all the junk, scoured the whole place, finally finished decorating, all that jazz. All we need now is a dining set (we're currently rocking the card table and folding chairs), which I intend to go find tomorrow. The point is, we really turned "his place" into "our home". He's making me a key this week and I am going to start moving my stuff over there. It's totally exciting.

The Neuroscience program at Madison has an option for a dual degree that includes a master's in public policy. I was initially interested, then decided not to apply, then during the interview weekend got excited about it again, then again was daunted by the workload and backed out. Now I am getting many, many emails from people in charge of the program wanting me to reconsider and go ahead and do it. The upside would be that I would have a free extra degree with the option of doing cool legal stuff related to neuroscience (stem cell laws, brain death cases, etc.) The down side is I would be in school for at least *7* more years, and would have even less life then someone just being a normal neuroscience graduate student. I'll let you all know how the situation unfolds, but I'm currently totally torn.

So, that is an update in the life of the Kim. Now, I am off to the gym (eventually) to try and get back on track with this "healthy body" stuff.

xKimX

On Track

So yesterday I called the shrink's office to "finalize the divorce". I got no answer, so I got to enjoy the anonymity and sheepishness of voicemail. And you know what? I feel fantastic. Today was GREAT. I ate healthfully all day, I made it to the gym, I was mega productive and I am even looking forward to cooking Mexican food with J tonight. (You heard me, I WANT to eat dinner! I'm not over-stuffed or self-loathing!) This could have something to do with the fact that my weight was down this morning. Funny how that still dictates the tone of the entire day. However, one little good push is sometimes enough to start me on that path, so here to hoping. I feel like I'm finally ready to lose the excess and no more. Today, I feel healthy, happy and accepting of myself.

Tomorrow I am leaving for another interview- UW Madison. The more I think about it, the more it seems like that is the right place for me to be. (I know, I'm fickle.) Madison is a liberal town with a great music scene and amazing restaurants. It has fantastic surrounding scenery, doesn't require a car and has an intimacy larger cities lack. J would do really well there, and he would have any easy time going back to school (which he has expressed interest in doing). There are also a lot of jobs there. The only problem now is getting in- Madison is ranked really highly among Neuroscience PhD programs. Higher than my Chicago schools. I am worrying now that I will have gotten myself over-psyched now and then won't get in. Gah. I really REALLY want this... Wish me luck!

Interviews, ED, etc.

Apologies for the extended lapse in blogging. I did make it out the door that day, and somehow or another I got to my Yale interviews. They seemed to go really well, and the science was incredible, but I really can't see myself living in Connecticut. From New Haven I went to Chicago. J picked me up from the airport, and brought me the meds I needed from downstate. The airline lost my luggage, but after I finished replacing everything they located and returned it to me. On Saturday night J took me out to probably the nicest dinner anyone has ever treated me to. I honestly can't remember the name of the place, but suffice it to say it was AWESOME. He stayed the night with me at the Hotel Sax (compliments of the University), and we drank champagne and I was able to center and feel a little more whole again. I honestly don't think I would be making it through these interviews if it weren't for J- I would definitely have canceled and withdrawn by now. This guy is my rock and I am so friggan' lucky and appreciative. Sunday J left and I was wined and dined by the University at Gioco's. Monday I went to my University of Chicago interviews. I absolutely fell in love with the school and the program. I thought it would end up being Northwestern, but now I am not so sure, U of C seems to fit me really well. Last night I flew out of O'Hare to Orange County. I left my phone in a cab on the way to the airport, and thus my travels were incredibly stressful. Somehow or another I made it to Costa Mesa, and I am currently lying on a pull out at my aunts house. Today my cousin B and I are going for a run on the beach, and this afternoon my aunt, uncle and cousins and I are going for happy hour and appetizers. I won't be drinking, but I'm pretty stoked. Tomorrow I am interviewing at USC, and then Thursday I fly back to Chicago.

Eating well has been incredibly tough on this trip. I absolutely failed on that front at the Yale interviews. There was food EVERYWHERE, and everything was comped so the grad students hosting me were eager to eat and eat. I felt really gross for most of that stay, but tried to enjoy myself anyway. I am figuring I can only be in control of so many things at once, and in this whirlwind travel experience the food thing is tough. I have definitely overeaten immensely every day of this trip, and I even skipped a workout which is unheard of for me. I have today off to be healthy and I and happy for that. I weighed on my aunt's (somewhat friendly) scale and actually haven't gained much, so my mood is good now. I have been trying to figure out what is different about now and when I was doing well and I think the thing that is missing is the memo pad. I used to keep a little notebook and plan out what I wanted to eat the next day on the top half and then record what I actually ate on the bottom. This got me to think about what I would be eating in advance and plan to have treats and such later instead of as I craved them. I want to get a little notebook today so I can go back to that.

So, in short, I'm doing pretty well, but life is odd. I am falling behind in my classes, my lab work and my thesis, but I know it will all end up OK.

One day at a time.

xKimX

The Next 15 Years

So a comment on my last entry spurred me to predict how my life will look over the next fifteen years. Having it in writing, I will be able to compare (assuming I live that long) my ideal to whatever actually goes on:

This year: Move to Chicago with J, start graduate school at Northwestern.
Next year: J and I plan to get engaged if everything is still going well.
By 2012: Get married, again conditional, but I have a good feeling.
By 2014: Get my PhD in Neuroscience, take time off to start family.
By 2015: Buy first house.
By 2017: Have two kids.
By 2022: Get a post-doc position (once kids start school).
By 2024: Get a tenure-track University job, start my own research program.

How does drug use fit into all of this? I intend to funtion under my same current rules until I am trying to have kids. The rules are:

1. No meth or heroin- I like it waaay too much.
2. Really, really limit the ecstacy- it's already altered the old noodle.
3. Try not to drink more than four days per week.
4. Don't do blow more than once a week.
5. Hallucinogens are "special-occaision" drugs, no more than twice a month.
6. I smoke like two hits of pot a day, and don't intend to change that.

So yea, some may not think this sounds like moderation, but trust me, it is. I have more or less stuck to these rules the last 3 years and been pretty succesful, so I think I ought to be able to sustain that in graduate school. We shall see...

Honestly, the thing that scares me isn't drugs, it's the recurrence of my ED. If I go back to any of my ED states (anorexic, bulimic, or exercise bulimic), I'll definitely lose it mentally and fuck up my graduate education because having an ED is way to much stress to handle on top of that.

Well, whatever happens, you can't tell me I'm boring :)

xKimX