Doing Better : )

So since I have been back in town I have been doing WAY better. J and I have been really healthy- cooking all of our meals at home from scratch with whole foods, going to the gym, getting plenty of relaxation time- it has been great, SO what I needed.
On Friday we went to a Michael Franti concert in Indiana- for those of you who don't know him, get on it. He's pretty much the Bob Marley of this generation and very much worth your time. Saturday we really vegged hard core- movies, food, lots of sickeningly adorable love and affection. Since everything had been so crazy recently we didn't really do anything spectacular for V-day, just enjoyed one another at home and felt good. It was exactly what I needed. Sunday was J's B-day, and sadly the present I got him did not come in time which made me feel like a loser, but whatever, it'll get here. I did make him a banana chocolate cake (without a mix or anything!) with mocha glaze frosting. I'm gonna go ahead and pat myself on the back here- it was fucking orgasmic. His bro M and the fiance A came over, and a couple of his friends stopped by. We shot some pool for a short bit in the eve and I fell asleep watching "Say Anything" (which is apparently the Breakfast Club of the early nineties that I had until now completely missed).
Throughout the whole weekend J seemed kinda down. At first I was blaming myself- I didn't have his present, I hadn't planned anything all that exciting- but he sort of spoke up about it last night to assure me I was not the source. He said I had been awesome, but "a bunch of things" were making him upset. He said he has always had trouble with his birthdays (a tree fell on him on his b-day once when he was a kid- I doubt that's the source of lingering anxiety, but a little funny). I know he said a while ago that his b-day would be hard this year (he is dealing with some major recent loss), and that could be it. His Mom went out of town over this weekend which might have bothered him. He has said he doesn't like getting older (he's 26- so God knows what 30 will do :P ). Whatever the case, I wish he would talk to me about it because I feel a little disconnected. Communication is something we pride ourselves in, and I want to ask him to share with me, but at the same time I don't want to be prying or invasive or digging up unpleasant feelings. I am hoping we'll be able to talk about whatever it is this eve...

(Insert clever transition here)

And an ED thought...
I have realized that before I met J, Monday-Thursday were good ED days and the weekends were shit. Now, pretty much the opposite because I am with him all weekend and then Monday I am left to my own devices. What I need is to combine the two- really be scheduled and disciplined during the week and use all my strategies, and then be around J and friends on the off times. Right now I feel great- I'll keep you all posted on how the rest of the week goes.

Still Struggling

So in CA I was golden for a couple of days- I was eating write, I was using my memo pad, I was running for an hour on the beach every day and getting all kinds of love and fun from my awesome cousins. Then last night I get to my parents house. Immediate binge. And then again this morning. And this afternoon when I got to my apartment. J is due to walk through my door and I am really excited but I feel sort of guilty for ruining our little reunion by making myself feel like crap. I know being back to our normal life will help me out MAJOR and this little rough patch will dissolve, but right now I feel like hell. I didn't binge once in January and I must be at like 8 or 10 already in February. This whole traveling the country by myself thing is not conducive to my health and ED recovery. On the bright side I just got notice that I got into the University of Chicago Neuroscience PhD program! So, I have financial security for the next 5 years and a nice little path to my future. Crazy how I wasn't the least bit excited. Crazy how food and ED can ruin the best moments in your life. Because I know I would be ecstatic right now if I weren't busy hating my body and cursing my weakness and feeling like I might burst. What a strange place to be. Hopefully I can report back in a couple of days and say I am doing great. Wish me strength :)

Sending anyone who reads this some good vibes,

xKimX

Interviews, ED, etc.

Apologies for the extended lapse in blogging. I did make it out the door that day, and somehow or another I got to my Yale interviews. They seemed to go really well, and the science was incredible, but I really can't see myself living in Connecticut. From New Haven I went to Chicago. J picked me up from the airport, and brought me the meds I needed from downstate. The airline lost my luggage, but after I finished replacing everything they located and returned it to me. On Saturday night J took me out to probably the nicest dinner anyone has ever treated me to. I honestly can't remember the name of the place, but suffice it to say it was AWESOME. He stayed the night with me at the Hotel Sax (compliments of the University), and we drank champagne and I was able to center and feel a little more whole again. I honestly don't think I would be making it through these interviews if it weren't for J- I would definitely have canceled and withdrawn by now. This guy is my rock and I am so friggan' lucky and appreciative. Sunday J left and I was wined and dined by the University at Gioco's. Monday I went to my University of Chicago interviews. I absolutely fell in love with the school and the program. I thought it would end up being Northwestern, but now I am not so sure, U of C seems to fit me really well. Last night I flew out of O'Hare to Orange County. I left my phone in a cab on the way to the airport, and thus my travels were incredibly stressful. Somehow or another I made it to Costa Mesa, and I am currently lying on a pull out at my aunts house. Today my cousin B and I are going for a run on the beach, and this afternoon my aunt, uncle and cousins and I are going for happy hour and appetizers. I won't be drinking, but I'm pretty stoked. Tomorrow I am interviewing at USC, and then Thursday I fly back to Chicago.

Eating well has been incredibly tough on this trip. I absolutely failed on that front at the Yale interviews. There was food EVERYWHERE, and everything was comped so the grad students hosting me were eager to eat and eat. I felt really gross for most of that stay, but tried to enjoy myself anyway. I am figuring I can only be in control of so many things at once, and in this whirlwind travel experience the food thing is tough. I have definitely overeaten immensely every day of this trip, and I even skipped a workout which is unheard of for me. I have today off to be healthy and I and happy for that. I weighed on my aunt's (somewhat friendly) scale and actually haven't gained much, so my mood is good now. I have been trying to figure out what is different about now and when I was doing well and I think the thing that is missing is the memo pad. I used to keep a little notebook and plan out what I wanted to eat the next day on the top half and then record what I actually ate on the bottom. This got me to think about what I would be eating in advance and plan to have treats and such later instead of as I craved them. I want to get a little notebook today so I can go back to that.

So, in short, I'm doing pretty well, but life is odd. I am falling behind in my classes, my lab work and my thesis, but I know it will all end up OK.

One day at a time.

xKimX

ED Recovery Anti-Progress

So I knew I gained a lot of weight over Christmas and I was afraid to see my nutritionist. I finally went yesterday, and it sucked giant hairy donkey balls. I gained 7 lbs. and realized I had successfully undone the good eating habits I had started to establish. I was back to eating infrequently, not picking the right foods, making up for extra calories, the whole sha-bang. I definitely spent most of that hour crying and hating my body and feeling immense frustration. With the help of my lovely nutritionist, however, I was able to come up with a plan of attack. I was even allowed to set a sensible weight loss goal. What I need to do mostly is keep healthy food on hand and eat it throughout the day. I haven't been grocery shopping lately (rather poor right now) and have been eating unhealthy foods infrequently. She convinced me I need to prioritize myself and my health. Today I am going shopping for nutritious food to keep in the car on the road trip and when I get back I am going shopping for real and stocking my fridge with healthy fair. Gah, it just really infuriates me to have made anti-progress. Just think where the human race would be if we didn't so love self-sabotage. (I know, I know, save that emo shit for MySpace, right?)

I also saw my shrink this week. I tried to divorce her and it didn't work. I feel like she is too passive to be of use. I gently explained this and said I had too much on my plate right now to try and deal with the whole therapy thing too. She said that probably meant I was really in need of therapy. I am supposed to think about it for a week and let her know at our appointment next week. I really don't want to- I feel like therapy was nice when I was lonely but that now with so many friends around and a great relationship I don't really need it. Well, I have many hours of driving over which to ponder this.

And, to complete the Tx-team check-in run, I also saw my exercise counselor. She was actually really happy with me (I have done awesome sticking to my program), but she suggested I switch my work outs up once in a while. Apparently, the same exercise becomes less effective with repetition. In her office I totally vetoed this idea. The thought of changing the only part of this I was still doing well on freaked me out. However, I have since given it some thought, and have decided maybe making 3 programs (instead of one) and switching monthly-ish might make sense and be manageable. I am going to dicsuss that with her at our next appointment.

I am staying strong, I want to keep fighting, I am determined to get better. I am not in control as I once was, but I am not willing to give in.

Remember, ED is conquerable.

xKimX

Recovery Progress

So I have been blogging less lately. It seems like when life is going well my creative juices dry up and I have less to say, or at least less I deem sufficiently interesting. When I am struggling I swear I spend like four hours a day pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard or brush to canvas, you know what I mean), but when life goes well I feel like I have nothing worth reflecting on. Anyway, what has been happening...

An update on the love life: I'm in deep. Head over heels. It's awesome. And the best part is, beside the passion and the sex we actually click wonderfully intellectually and want the same things out of life. J has said he will go with me where ever I go to grad school. We have decided to move in together when I make this transition. I am completely excited. He says he think we ought to get engaged in the next year. If everything goes smoothely once we are living together, I'm all for it. Woohoo!

As or ED stuff... They were out of Fiber One at the grocery so I wound up buying a raisin bran type cereal. I have alot of trouble with sweet cereals, so this was a little scary. This morning I ate way too much... maybe 850 calories worth counting milk (and by maybe I mean I measured how much was left to determine how much I consumed, so yeah, pretty accurate...). I was pissed at myself. Of course. But unlike in the mega bad ED times, I didn't keep eating at that point. I went to the gym, ate veggies for luck, and am planning on a small late dinner. My mood is good, and I am feeling OK. So, there are still incidents, but not nearly as extreme. I still obsess and keep records, but without the intense emotional consequences.

I am planning to tell my shrink tomorrow that I intend to stop seeing her, She is too passive and I am too busy. I am still planning to see the D once a month or so, but I think that is all I still need from my Tx team (which I used to have appt.s with 3x/wk.). I also haven't used any drugs (except a little teeny weeny bit of pot and booze) in the last week r so. Go me!

So such is life dudes.

Live well.

xKimX

The Next 15 Years

So a comment on my last entry spurred me to predict how my life will look over the next fifteen years. Having it in writing, I will be able to compare (assuming I live that long) my ideal to whatever actually goes on:

This year: Move to Chicago with J, start graduate school at Northwestern.
Next year: J and I plan to get engaged if everything is still going well.
By 2012: Get married, again conditional, but I have a good feeling.
By 2014: Get my PhD in Neuroscience, take time off to start family.
By 2015: Buy first house.
By 2017: Have two kids.
By 2022: Get a post-doc position (once kids start school).
By 2024: Get a tenure-track University job, start my own research program.

How does drug use fit into all of this? I intend to funtion under my same current rules until I am trying to have kids. The rules are:

1. No meth or heroin- I like it waaay too much.
2. Really, really limit the ecstacy- it's already altered the old noodle.
3. Try not to drink more than four days per week.
4. Don't do blow more than once a week.
5. Hallucinogens are "special-occaision" drugs, no more than twice a month.
6. I smoke like two hits of pot a day, and don't intend to change that.

So yea, some may not think this sounds like moderation, but trust me, it is. I have more or less stuck to these rules the last 3 years and been pretty succesful, so I think I ought to be able to sustain that in graduate school. We shall see...

Honestly, the thing that scares me isn't drugs, it's the recurrence of my ED. If I go back to any of my ED states (anorexic, bulimic, or exercise bulimic), I'll definitely lose it mentally and fuck up my graduate education because having an ED is way to much stress to handle on top of that.

Well, whatever happens, you can't tell me I'm boring :)

xKimX

Balanced with Blow

So the job interview went not so hotsy. The guy was really cool, but he said they were mostly looking for MCAT teachers. I will know for sure in a few days, but I most likely will not get it, and even if I did get the job I do not think I will take it anyway because I won't have time. I think I may just have to rack up some debt this semester because it looks like I will be gone pretty much every weekend:

Jan 22-25- Going to Disco Biscuits shows in 4 cities (yes, I like Trip-Hop :P )

Jan 31-Feb 2- Interview at Yale

Feb 6-7- Interview University of Chicago

Feb 13-15- Michael Franti concert in a neighboring state

Feb 20-22- UW Madison interview

Feb 27- Mar 1- Northwestern interview


Mar 19-23- Cabin in the mountains with J, his bro (M) and his bro's fiance (A) :)

Mar 28- Apr 4- HOPEFULLY I get to go with on the family vacay for my (finally) 21st B-Day, and my Mom's 50 (same day), but we'll see how it goes with school (considering I will have virtually not been there and am supposedly supposed to be writing my thesis.)

Haha, you like how I have my interviews balanced out with weekends that are ideal for massive amounts of drug use? I'm pretty happy with the plan.

On the up side, I have been eating really healthfully and normally this week. Go me!

Live well all,

xKimX

New Years Goals

Every year, since about 2002, I make myself a "life guide". It lists the current state and goals for each area of my life (relationships, education/career, health/body, etc.) in June and December I look through these to check my progress and note how I have changed. I just completed my 2009 guide update, and from it I have (as always) drawn this year's New Year's goals and resoltuions.

1. Maintain healthy eating and exercise habits and allow my body to settle at a natural, healthy weight.

2. Get into a neuroscience PhD program, hopefully somewhere in Chicago.

3. Become fully financially independent. Yes, this even means getting off the family car insurance and phone plan.

4. Stay in touch with friends and family as I move into the next phase of my life.

5. Prioritize and appreciate my relationship with Jeremy.

6. Become more environmentally friendly (open to ideas/suggestions for implementation of this!)

7. Make time to center myself and relax. Become stronger in myself and more in control of my moods.

8. Become more informed about current events (I just set my home page on my browser to a personalized Google news page!)

What are your resolutions? I LOVE to hear about how people prioritize their lives and go about improving themselves. Also, do you expect to be successful? I do.

AND for those who are interested, these 'life guides' also contain my life long goals, which actually haven't changed for several years now:

1. Have a happy healthy marriage.

2. Raise two children into well-adjusted, happy adults.

3. Stay satisfied with myself and happy with my current situation in each stage of life.

4. Get a PhD in neuroscience.

5. Discover something that will improve the quality of people's lives.

6. See the world.

7. Be free, be present, be appreciative, be aware.

8. Fill my life and the lives of others with love.

9. Leave the world somehow better then when I entered it.

Happy New Year!!!

xKimX

Back On Track

So yesterday I tried to get back on track, but I ended up overeating anyway at night. But the good things about that day were that I did my workout, that I found out I got all A's again this semester, that I got an interview for the job I want in the spring working nights teaching a GRE prep course, that I lined up my second graduate school interview (University of Chicago and UW Madison so far!), that I got to have a good hour-long talk with Jeremy on the phone and that despite the storms my aunt and uncle arrived here safely from Cali. So the point is, yesterday I did end up overeating (like 3000 cals!), but it was overall still a really good day and I can't suddenly become obese overnight.
Today I DID manage to stick to my healthy eating plan, likely because I didn't let yesterday's disappointment get me down. I also made it to the gym again, did some work on my thesis, had another really great talk with Jeremy and got a bunch of errands done that I had been putting off. I am feeling way better! I am also feeling heartened that I will be able to go back to normal eating now that the holiday chaos has passed.

AND even though I have had some difficulty with my eating of late, I have still been doing AWESOMELY in terms of keeping clean. (FYI, my definition of 'clean' excludes booze and pot from the realm of drugs, it just means like no coke, meth, H, X and the like. I honestly would probablly still call myself clean after like acid or shrooms since they have zero abuse potential.) But yea, it has been over two months since Jeremy or I have done any of that shit, and I am proud of us.

And a little more on the relationship front... shit has definitely evolved. It has only been a short while (3 mos.) but I feel like this guy was freakin' hand-crafted for me. It's so rad, like I've never connected with another being like this outside of my madre. Oh ya, and big news- he's gonna move to Chicago (or wherever I end up) next year! He announced that that was his intent like a week ago and I was totally ecstatic/relieved because I didn't want to ask him to (resentment, etc.) but was totally wiggin' out about what would happen to us, so ya this like made my month. And I know I have to be realistic and a lot can happen and la la la, but hey for now I'm overjoyed.

That below is us after his company Christmas party wasted at a fav local spot, bwahaha. Hey, we didn't do anything shady, just ur usual Christmas cheer :)


Be healthy and love yourselves ladies and gents,

xKimX

Slightly later:

Gah. How come after I eat whatever the last thing I am supposed to eat is I suddenly start stressing out about the fact that I don't have more to eat. It's like when your coke runs out and you are really upset about it even before your high wears off from the last of it. Don't worry kiddos, I'll be strong, I have eaten the proper amount today and I know how good I feel when I stay on track. I can wait until tomorrow, I will be really strong for a couple more days, and then I will be all on top of my game 100% by New Years to start this 2009 biz-nass off right. But gah, I hate the feeling and I needed another little session of blog therapy to feel on top of it.

Sending strength to allll of you (and gettin' it back whether you know it or not!)

Peace, love, nighty night :P

Doing (not planning)

With the new year fast approaching, and me once again feeling the need to pull myself out of the holiday eating rut I have found myself in, I sat down last night to make a plan of action. I began making tables of times, foods and calories and lists of things I should try to avoid. After about 10 minutes of this pondering, I glanced over at the pile of old journals and food diaries I had left out on my desk. How often do I actually follow my eloquent eating plans for their duration? Rarely. When I do, how does it make me feel? Either disappointed for being imperfect, or helpless because I am still unhappy. That pile of notebooks is filled with unchecked boxes, lines still left blank and goals unmet. So I stopped. Recovery is about breaking away from this obsessive behavior. I don't need to predetermine every bite, what I need is to be in the right mindset. I have to spend plenty of time pen to paper, I have to take time to enjoy the people I love and I have to love the body I have right now, today. Success is in doing, not planning.

And so it goes :)

A History of My Eating Disorder

I'm at my parent's house for the holidays, and in my childhood bedroom I have been perusing my old journals, kept sporadically since about the age of ten. These journals hearten me because they show me that my core person has changed very little through the years. However, these journals also tell me that my eating disorder started much earlier then my diagnosis.

An entry from August 30, 1998 (age 10):

I started at a new school this week. I hate the clothes I have to wear, they show my flat chest and fat stomach and make me look like a dweeb.

April 2, 1999 (11th birthday):

I got new clothes today, but they don't look I want them to. I have a pretty face and I play sports, so why am I still ugly in cute clothes? I think I'm going to stuff my bra. I also stole my Mom's diet pills from Jenny Craig and I'm gonna do an ab workout every day and whiten my teeth. By summer I should be pretty.

June 5, 2001 (age 13, 134lbs):

My Mom is taking us on a month long road trip, a.k.a. a minivan prison will be my summer. This should be a good time for me to lose weight. I stole some Ephedra from Wallgreens, and I am going to try to eat as little as possible this trip. It's 4pm and I've had a Chewy granola bar and a fruit cup. I'll get a salad at dinner.

July 4, 2001 (age 13, 121 lbs.):

I have done awesome this trip, and seen some cool shit. I swim every day at hotel ppols and always order salad at dinner and try not to eat during the day unless my Mom is watching. This Ephedra biz-nass rocks my socks, I look fuckin' hot.

December 24, 2003 (age 15, 145 lbs.):

I seriously need to lose ten pounds. Andrew still wants to fuck me and tells me how hot I am and such, but whatever, it's not the same. Guys that wanna throw it in me say that shit cuz they gotta be nice to get what they want. I know that I looked way better thinner. Though I do like these tits that have sprung up. Maybe they'll stay.

March 12, 2004 (age 15, 135 lbs.):

I am going to Cali for spring break with my cousins! I look pretty good, I must say- been really careful. I've learned Tums make me feel less hungry when I'm really hungry. Today at soccer I told my co-captain I was excited because pre-season made me lose 5 lbs. My coach said, "turn around, you'll find it!". Douche.

January 21, 2006 (age 17, 157lbs.):

Oh my God, I am such a lard ass. Freshman 15? Try 25. I am going to take care of this, I can beat this. Diet Coke, gum, Hydroxycut.

January 29, 2006 (age 17, 149 lbs.):

Go me!!! This is mostly water, but I have still done AWESOME. I have worked out 90 minutes every day, and only eaten 400-700 calories. I am amazing, anyone who can't lose weight is a weak idot.

August 8, 2007 (age 19, 130 lbs.):

Dave is moving to Madison. I will hardly see him, he still hasn't said he loves me. I know it is easy to love thin women. I do, they are the ones I am most attracted to. So fragile. If I am thin enough he will love me.

December 13, 2007 (age 19, 107 lbs.):

I look myself in the eye and can't even find a person to stare back at me out of the hollows of that pedestalled designer body. Dave says if I lose 5 more pounds I'll be the same as Keira Knightley. Why not go for 8 and hit the single digits? My Dad thinks I have cancer or diabetes or something.

February 14, 2008 (age 19, 115 lbs.):

I just ate 6 cookies, 2 slices of bread with jelly, 4 bowls of cereal, a garlic roll left from last night and some jelly beans. My Dad told me I needed to gain at least five pounds to be healthy, and at first it was great to be able to eat a lot and not feel bad about it. Now I can't stop. I have to go run. (Later) I ran 17 miles, so I should probably be even for today. My knees kill.

April 12, 2008 (age 20, 121 lbs.):

Dave and I broke up. I was prego. That shit didn't last in this fucked up coked out half starved little body of mine. Hahaha. I can't stop crying. Or eating. Not sobbing, just a perpetual tear stream. I'm gonna go run.

June 25, 2008 (age 20, 135 lbs.):

Loss of control over eating. Check. Continual intense guilt about food. Check. Compensation habits. Check. I think I have an eating disorder. I feel so lost and desperate. HELP ME!!! What the fuck? How do I get out of this? I'm so fat and gross. I'm eating M&M's as I write this. I hate myself and I hate being here alone and crying all the fucking time. I just want to be loved and like myself. I'm so fucking lame.

December 24, 2008 (age 20, 149 lbs.):

I have really not been following my eating plan the last week or so. I know it is the Holidays and I am trying not to stress about it. I am going to be as moderate as possible, enjoy myself, and return to my treatment team's plan 100% post-holiday. In 2009 I will let be healthy and let me body find it's healthy natural weight.

These are of course only the ED bits of things, but the point is made- this pfucker has been around half my life. Diet pills at 11? For serious? This chica is loca in the cabeza. Well, at least I think my time with ED is finally closing.

xKimX

Speed Bump

I think I just binged. I say I think because I don't intend to purge. But yea, it happened. I am leaving in 30 minutes to go upstate with J to meet my parents. I have not been sleeping properly, I have been neglecting the journaling and meditating that keeps me sane. I have been stressed over finals and Christmas. I am so pissed at myself. I was getting ready to leave my apartment, cleaning and packin and what not. Then I started to eat some of the foods that would go bad while I was away- healthy stuff. Green beans, grape fruit, yogurt, carrots, pear. Then slightly less healthy stuff. Tortillas and beans, dried fruit, nuts. Then bad stuff. Chips, cookies. I have eaten about 1700 calories today, which would mean that I am only supposed to eat 300 more. I worked out this morning, which helps, and I put on an outfit that makes me feels slim even though I still feel a bit fat. My Mom is cooking dinner tonight, and I know I can't restrict or over eat. It has to be just right. I will aim for about 500 calories- 200 from protein, 150 from carb, 150 from fruit and veggies. That will only put me slightly over, and it is still a long time until I have to eat (about 5 or 6 hours). I am trying to remain calm and not freak out about this. My N says everyone overeats sometimes, even stress eating is normal. The difference between ED and normal is continuing to stress about it. So I am going to put it behind me and eat a normal, healthy dinner. And I am going to go back to sleeping regularly and journaling or blogging every day. I can do this. This is not a road block, it is a speed bump that I need to just drive right on past. Wish me luck.

Ugh. Hangin' in there.

Ugh. I just went out to a big steak dinner with my family and I feel totally gross. I suppose it wouldn't qualify as a binge because it was not "significantly more than most people would eat in a similar situation" and also because I was not alone, but the tight-skinned bloated belly certainly feels binge-like. I have a plan for tomorrow and I am truly trying to treat myself well; I will keep my portions in check.
Being with the family 24/7, being on vacation, and it being Thanksgiving week, I would say this is an ultimate test of my ability to truly achieve a state of ED recovery. I am determined.

On the success side, I did manage to avoid all processed foods today- no Doritos, Oreos, or other junk traps my family keeps stocked. Even better, way out here I am in no danger of any drug use, and I'll probably only have a total of about one bottle of wine all week, so the staying clean thing is going well (by default).

I'm still really worried about J drinking. I don't want him to have to run from anything. I understand that the fact that he recognizes and wants to fix the problem is huge, and I know he will. My problem is trying not to get overly involved. Where do I draw the line? I know I shouldn't guilt or nag him or push him into anything he doesn't want to do, but can I express to him how it worries me? Can I tell him I can't see myself staying with a man long-term who doesn't have that under control? Because that is true. I just love him and want him to be OK, and I don't want our relationship to develop any unhealthy codependencies. I dunno, maybe I'm making this bigger than it is, I'm just worried.

Happy Thanksgiving all... ha. ha. ha.