I'm at my parent's house for the holidays, and in my childhood bedroom I have been perusing my old journals, kept sporadically since about the age of ten. These journals hearten me because they show me that my core person has changed very little through the years. However, these journals also tell me that my eating disorder started much earlier then my diagnosis.
An entry from August 30, 1998 (age 10):
I started at a new school this week. I hate the clothes I have to wear, they show my flat chest and fat stomach and make me look like a dweeb.
April 2, 1999 (11th birthday):
I got new clothes today, but they don't look I want them to. I have a pretty face and I play sports, so why am I still ugly in cute clothes? I think I'm going to stuff my bra. I also stole my Mom's diet pills from Jenny Craig and I'm gonna do an ab workout every day and whiten my teeth. By summer I should be pretty.
June 5, 2001 (age 13, 134lbs):
My Mom is taking us on a month long road trip, a.k.a. a minivan prison will be my summer. This should be a good time for me to lose weight. I stole some Ephedra from Wallgreens, and I am going to try to eat as little as possible this trip. It's 4pm and I've had a Chewy granola bar and a fruit cup. I'll get a salad at dinner.
July 4, 2001 (age 13, 121 lbs.):
I have done awesome this trip, and seen some cool shit. I swim every day at hotel ppols and always order salad at dinner and try not to eat during the day unless my Mom is watching. This Ephedra biz-nass rocks my socks, I look fuckin' hot.
December 24, 2003 (age 15, 145 lbs.):
I seriously need to lose ten pounds. Andrew still wants to fuck me and tells me how hot I am and such, but whatever, it's not the same. Guys that wanna throw it in me say that shit cuz they gotta be nice to get what they want. I know that I looked way better thinner. Though I do like these tits that have sprung up. Maybe they'll stay.
March 12, 2004 (age 15, 135 lbs.):
I am going to Cali for spring break with my cousins! I look pretty good, I must say- been really careful. I've learned Tums make me feel less hungry when I'm really hungry. Today at soccer I told my co-captain I was excited because pre-season made me lose 5 lbs. My coach said, "turn around, you'll find it!". Douche.
January 21, 2006 (age 17, 157lbs.):
Oh my God, I am such a lard ass. Freshman 15? Try 25. I am going to take care of this, I can beat this. Diet Coke, gum, Hydroxycut.
January 29, 2006 (age 17, 149 lbs.):
Go me!!! This is mostly water, but I have still done AWESOME. I have worked out 90 minutes every day, and only eaten 400-700 calories. I am amazing, anyone who can't lose weight is a weak idot.
August 8, 2007 (age 19, 130 lbs.):
Dave is moving to Madison. I will hardly see him, he still hasn't said he loves me. I know it is easy to love thin women. I do, they are the ones I am most attracted to. So fragile. If I am thin enough he will love me.
December 13, 2007 (age 19, 107 lbs.):
I look myself in the eye and can't even find a person to stare back at me out of the hollows of that pedestalled designer body. Dave says if I lose 5 more pounds I'll be the same as Keira Knightley. Why not go for 8 and hit the single digits? My Dad thinks I have cancer or diabetes or something.
February 14, 2008 (age 19, 115 lbs.):
I just ate 6 cookies, 2 slices of bread with jelly, 4 bowls of cereal, a garlic roll left from last night and some jelly beans. My Dad told me I needed to gain at least five pounds to be healthy, and at first it was great to be able to eat a lot and not feel bad about it. Now I can't stop. I have to go run. (Later) I ran 17 miles, so I should probably be even for today. My knees kill.
April 12, 2008 (age 20, 121 lbs.):
Dave and I broke up. I was prego. That shit didn't last in this fucked up coked out half starved little body of mine. Hahaha. I can't stop crying. Or eating. Not sobbing, just a perpetual tear stream. I'm gonna go run.
June 25, 2008 (age 20, 135 lbs.):
Loss of control over eating. Check. Continual intense guilt about food. Check. Compensation habits. Check. I think I have an eating disorder. I feel so lost and desperate. HELP ME!!! What the fuck? How do I get out of this? I'm so fat and gross. I'm eating M&M's as I write this. I hate myself and I hate being here alone and crying all the fucking time. I just want to be loved and like myself. I'm so fucking lame.
December 24, 2008 (age 20, 149 lbs.):
I have really not been following my eating plan the last week or so. I know it is the Holidays and I am trying not to stress about it. I am going to be as moderate as possible, enjoy myself, and return to my treatment team's plan 100% post-holiday. In 2009 I will let be healthy and let me body find it's healthy natural weight.
These are of course only the ED bits of things, but the point is made- this pfucker has been around half my life. Diet pills at 11? For serious? This chica is loca in the cabeza. Well, at least I think my time with ED is finally closing.
xKimX
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17 comments:
wow, thats amazing that you kept a journal all that time! I remember thinking I was fat when I was probably 8 or 9... its terrible.
I ♥ your blog. You are an inspiration
Wow, I love the way you did that - it's really interesting! I might have to steal your idea and make an entry or two using my own past journals regarding my depression & start of addiction:P Nice work, Kim. I'm inspired by you once again:)
I love you and adore you (in a blogger love kinda way, not a weirdo stalker way). I had to stop reading as I felt an overwhelming urge to find the girl that was saying those things to you and kick the shit out of her; then I remembered it was YOU saying those things to you. My Christmas wish for you... Just For Today, say only wonderful beautiful things to yourself about yourself... or I fear I'll have to woop yer arse! Merry Christmas Chick. Much Love.
anna- ya, it's weird how early it starts. i remember a time when i was like 7 and i was sitting on the porch steps with my best friend and i looked over at her scarecrow legs and then saw my muscular ones all smushed out when i sat and i def felt fat then. this world needs some rearranging.
coke- please do, i would love to read an entry of yours like this! seriously, now you have to, cuz i'm lookin' forward to it :P
L,E,R- haha, aww thanks :) i'm trying here on that one- i will do my best... or else :P
Merry Christmas all!!!
Thanks for your comment on the good vibes. Old diaries are renching aren't they?!? Just through those little snippets though, you can seriousy see how far you sunk and risen!
Well done...and yeah, it's the hols. Moderation is so the way!
:D
V
omg, old diaries, love and hate them... ya i saw you said you were just doing the same... i guess end of the yr holiday stuff makes us wanna check up on ourselves. gah. holidays. happy xmas :P
I was naive, perhaps, in not realizing that ten year old girls worried about having flat chests. You know not, perhaps, that an early start to development means an early stop as well, leaving a lot of short women with big boobs.
My wife had a degree of bulimia, I'm sure, but this was when she was in her upper forties and early fifties and having more and more trouble keeping the pounds off. I could predict her vomiting by watching what she ate. If it was a treat she really enjoyed, I would shudder as she ate it. Nothing I could say was helpful. Since I can't imagine she would be able to hide it from me here at home, I assume she has gotten better. I surely hope so.
What an incredible journey you have taken...and almost over, as you say - that's wonderful. I cannot believe how much you have been through, yet you manage to stay postive about the future. Things are looking up :)
Happy Holidays!
snow- sorry to hear of your wife's difficulties, i hope she is better as well.
katie- i hope the negative side is almost over, but i don't think it will ever really be over. maybe it is just changing and hence forth it will be about sharing the story and trying to help people visualize their healthy body as the ideal.
merry xmas again, while i can still say it :)
Unfortunately, doing my own chrono-highlight entry is going to be a bit of a challenge. My other 3 journals are locked (hopefully) in a chest in Florida:/ Gaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwd, I HATE Florida!!!
whoa- why are they locked in a chest? and why do you hate fl? the plot thickens...
Daft,
You and and your blog never fail to amax=ze me I look at you a young, viberant 20 yr and think If I could have gotten a handle on this when I was your how different my life would have been...I started hard core Ed when i was 15 and I am now 29, so yeah half my life gone...I cant believe how you can watch the evolution of your Ed through journals I need to start doing that ...only I think it would make me cry...Love your blog baby keep writting!!!
Love, Z
Z, thanks again for the props. it definitely made me cry. don't talk about 'could have been' baby, your still young, you have so much life left to live, rock on and kick some ed ass, for serious! i know i am i guess less entrenched then you, and it is easier said then done, but it is possib;e and there is so much u can do with your life! sending love and good karma!
What an amazing post and what an amazing gift to have those journals so you can have a clear picture of what you have been dealing with.
The journal entry where you are 107 lbs and say you can't see a person in the mirror....that speaks volumes.
You have turned a corner in your life now that you admit there WAS a problem, you're so much stronger now just knowing the demon you face.
anybeth- wow, i should just talk to you instead of my shrink, thanks for the great synopsis. ya, at the time i didn't realize being thin wouldn't make me happy, but looking back i can't certainly see it. i am glad to have the records, because they mean so much more once your out of the depths.
Hey, this post totally highlights how far you have come in your recovery. I am very proud of you. I don't have the journal entries I wrote when I was younger... I don't even know where the journals are. Probably up in my parents' attic. Anyway, just wanted to say that I am glad you are doing much better and that you are working SO hard! Keep it up, rockstar. :)
Thanks Emily! Ya, the old journals are weird to see, I had them hidden away under the carpet in the closet of the bedroom i had in my parents house. I honestly didn't even realize how entrenched all this was until I saw them.
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