12.19.2008
Speed Bump
I think I just binged. I say I think because I don't intend to purge. But yea, it happened. I am leaving in 30 minutes to go upstate with J to meet my parents. I have not been sleeping properly, I have been neglecting the journaling and meditating that keeps me sane. I have been stressed over finals and Christmas. I am so pissed at myself. I was getting ready to leave my apartment, cleaning and packin and what not. Then I started to eat some of the foods that would go bad while I was away- healthy stuff. Green beans, grape fruit, yogurt, carrots, pear. Then slightly less healthy stuff. Tortillas and beans, dried fruit, nuts. Then bad stuff. Chips, cookies. I have eaten about 1700 calories today, which would mean that I am only supposed to eat 300 more. I worked out this morning, which helps, and I put on an outfit that makes me feels slim even though I still feel a bit fat. My Mom is cooking dinner tonight, and I know I can't restrict or over eat. It has to be just right. I will aim for about 500 calories- 200 from protein, 150 from carb, 150 from fruit and veggies. That will only put me slightly over, and it is still a long time until I have to eat (about 5 or 6 hours). I am trying to remain calm and not freak out about this. My N says everyone overeats sometimes, even stress eating is normal. The difference between ED and normal is continuing to stress about it. So I am going to put it behind me and eat a normal, healthy dinner. And I am going to go back to sleeping regularly and journaling or blogging every day. I can do this. This is not a road block, it is a speed bump that I need to just drive right on past. Wish me luck.
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20 comments:
Woman, you can do this. You are right, it's just a bump. You are strong and beautiful and you don't need anything except you to make you happy. Love you huge, thoughts and prayers go with you.
And your N is right...we all do this sometimes. We all do. Its okay. Just enjoy your day...be healthy and start over tomorrow.
<3
Exactly-- it's not a road block. It's a speed bump.
Wow, my junkie-ass immediately interpreted "speed bump" as you did a bump of speed, lol. You'll be fine, dear. That's not really even that bad of a slip-up :)
keep moving forward.....you have the tools....positive vibes sent your way!!
You certainly have the right attitude about it. It is justa slip-up, which is natural, to be expected and a crucial patr of recovery, so they say. Well done on knowing it's a glitch in the road and not an impassable flood!
Hoping for you that it works out and that you get back on track asap.
Take care and good luck
V
L,E,R- Thank you so much :) The support you give me is really empoweribg, like I want to try so hard to really be the way you seem to see me. So much gratitude sita.
Caitlin- I appreciate you confirming that- for some reason I still seem to have a hard time belieing alot of the things shes says, and I ned that sort of confirmation.
Emily- And I know you know! I appreciate, as always :)
Coke- Haha, ya, it was sort of a scheming ploy to drive in more readers- I mean, that would have been more interesting. And probably kept me from feeling so much like eating.... maybe I'll look into it :P
Summer- Thanks so much, I am trying to do so- the rest of the weekend has involved alot more overeating, but not in a binge mode and I am trying so hard to see it as normal holiday stuff... just keep trucking, eh?
V- a crucial part of recovery, huh? I haven't heard that, I've heard inevitable (apparently- duh) but I guess that makes sense. Like you need to know how to deal with it in all different sorts of situations. Thanks for the good vibes.
You all rock, thanks so much!!!
Hope you're holding up OK during the hols!
V
Hey... I can't find an email address for you... Where did you go? You haven't been around in a while. Miss your blog...
I ditto L.E.R!
Hope you're OK...
Happy Christmas!
To celebrations, happiness and a new year!
<3 V
I hope you had that luck you were hoping for.
L,E,R- i can be emailed at kim.farbota@gmail.com, thanks for lookin for me :)
V- thanks a ton, and back at ya, hope all is well
Snow- thank you, but I don't think luck is what i need. i'm aiming for love and fortitude...
Hey, Drafty Dragon (hi, couldn't resist). I was using luck in the sense that you used it. I never thought you mean dumb, oblivious, undeserved luck.
I just posted something to my blog that I thought might resonate to some degree with you, although I can't think how. I often think of (Caitlin's) Bill when I write. He and I try awfully hard to reach one another with what matters to us, and so it was that I thought of you too today. Perhaps, it wasn't so much the issues I covered, but the way I write compared to the way you write.
You get a lot of interest when you write. I hope it helps. I say this with the thought that having people show attention to us because of our problems can be a two-edged sword. I've seen it happen.
snow- thank you for that, i didn't mean to sound oversensitive or touchy. i did end the post 'wish me luck', so my response to what you said would indeed seem somewhat inappropriate. perhaps because it seems to me you are trying to be that other edge...
" i did end the post 'wish me luck', so my response to what you said would indeed seem somewhat inappropriate. perhaps because it seems to me you are trying to be that other edge..."
I am sorry to hear this, although, I can see how you would think it since I tend to take stands that I hope are useful, but aren't necessarily validating. I will drop myself from your followers' list for now as I don't seem seem to be making a positive contribution.
i do understand that only wishing to hear positive input is a somewhat childish thing. i understand that their is definitely a need in my life for alternative viewpoints and that my general reluctance to open up to such things is contrary to what i claim to stand for. i apologize for my harshness. i have always used the blog as a source of strength and support, and had not previously encountered readers interested in adding constructive criticism. it certainly took me off gaurd. the things i have said that seem to have made you feel unwelcome were not said with that intent; rather, i was reacting to an unexpected change and not thinking beyond my own feelings. i have certainly learned something from this. if you wish to stop reading my blog, i fully understand. if, however, you at some point decide to come by again, i would welcome further commentary and try to consider it in a more adult (and less defensive) manner.
Dear Dafty,
I have not held off responding through anger or a lack of interest--I never felt either. My hesitations were two. You get more responses than I want to filter through, yet I'm afraid that if I elect to not receive all your responses, I won't get the ones that you make to me. If I appear to miss one, you can always post it on my blog. This brings me to my second reservation...you haven't shown any interest in my blog. I often follow the blogs of people who don't reciprocate, but it's not ideal, and it it's also harder if I really like someone else's blog.
Come to think of it, I have another reservation. I don't really want to send much "constructive criticism" your way. Criticism implies superiority (at least in regard to a particular insight), and so it's hard to take that well, and it's also hard to give it humbly. Yet, sometimes it's difficult for me to resist, and you being a lot younger makes it more difficult still because I can so easily see similarities in what you're experiencing, and what I have experienced. This is my issue, not yours. I'm just letting you know that I'm aware of it, and will try to work on it. After all, no one can really know what's best for you. Even if, at the extreme, they were able to save you from some disaster, who's to say but what you would be better off for having experienced it?
snow-
For the most part, I assume people will never come back and look at my responses. I post them as a possible courtesy, but mostly as a way of internalizing what people say. So I appreciate (but don't expect) that you continue this dialogue with me.
I use the blogger world for its escapist benefits. I have looked in on your blog twice, and found it to be intelligent, philosophical and heavy. All of these are good things, but as a student I get quite an overload of this type of interaction on a daily basis. My lack of commentary/interest is not because I feel your writing somehow lacks merit, far from it, but because I blog to unwind and I must admit the thought of having to think too much during down time overwhelms me a bit.
Commentary, criticism, whatever you wish to offer or not offer is welcomed without offense.
"I assume people will never come back and look at my responses."
I assume that if people cared enough to comment that they are interested in what I think as opposed to putting out their ideas without bothering to look back. Maybe we are both right.
"I have looked in on your blog twice, and found it to be intelligent, philosophical and heavy."
If this is all that you see, perhaps I have failed to communicate effectively. For example, for all its heaviness, my recent entry contained much of what I would consider black humor. But then no everyone gets or appreciated black humor...
"...the thought of having to think too much...overwhelms me a bit."
"Overwhelms...a bit." I just had to laugh. Kind of like being a trifle dead or a tad hysterical, eh? Words are so much fun.
"Commentary, criticism, whatever you wish to offer or not offer is welcomed without offense."
Get outta here. Do you really mean that? I'm fairly tough, and never put to my stock in anyone's opinion, but I'm nothing like you describe.
Nothing like I describe, eh? Intuition and people reading were never my strong suits. And ya, I think I can handle whatever you throw at me :)
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