When I managed to avoid falling into that funk, I gave some thought to the possibility of using my bipolar disorder to my advantage. I could keep myself in a just-above-level state most of the time, and then shift into manic-mode during really hectic times. I could truly be in control. In order to do that, however, I will need to learn to manage the highs as well as the lows. I have put a lot of effort into identifying strategies to snap myself out of depression, but I have devoted very little energy to figuring out how to center myself from a state of mania (likely because it can be so much fun). Given the aforementioned symptoms, tonight seems a prime time to start testing some centering tactics. On the list for this evening:
1. Journal writing. Always sobering.
2. A guided meditation CD. I like the Open Focus series.
3. Play Kitaro. It's fabulous Japanese instrumentals that totally connect me.
4. Insence. I have a set of Feng Shui scents, and water is the calming element.
5. Sleep. If I can't actually fall asleep, I'll do what as my Mom intructed when I experienced insomnia as a child: "Just lie in bed with your eyes closed until morming." Usually, eventually, sleep comes.
Numbers 3 and 4 are already in progress, and I actually am already feeling the anxiousness ebb. Perhaps I am one step closer to becoming master of my mind.
xKimX
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22 comments:
I found you through your comment on my blog. (Thanks for the compliment - the wavey hair is much different from my 'natural' look.)
I'm reading a book called "Loving Someone With Bipolar Disorder" and it's really helpful in the way of teaching techniques and making lists of 'mood triggers' and the like to help stave them off or control them when they do occur. It's a pretty good read. (I bought it for my husband but I'm the one doing the reading. :P) I also suffer from bipolar disorder (type II) and also rapid cycle. It's kind of neat to find someone in the blogging world that is in a boat similar to my own.
Thanks for returning the favor, glad you stopped by :)
When I was getting over ED I got a lot of books, but I don't have any on bipolar yet. Thanks for the suggestion, I'm pretty sure my Mom has that one so I'll def get it from her over Christmas :) And I too am glad to have found a kindered spirit.
"I am not a body. I am a conscious being currently inhabiting a body."
Do you know of a book entitled "the untethered soul" by Michael A. Singer? I wish what you and he think were true, but...well, it could be a psychological defense (disassociation) or even a symptom of your illness. I don't quite mean to be a advocatus diaboli as I myself would like to believe. I have serious chronic pain issues, and, oh, but to think they could not touch me to my core. Yet, they sometimes seem to pervade my entire being, leaving nothing to observe the suffering, everything being enveloped by it.
Snow- I know of the book, but have only read it in exerpts for a class several years ago. I can appreciate what your saying: if our entire experience is dependent upon the state of the body, how could we and our bodies not be one in the same? How do we draw the line? I have put a great deal of time and energy into conceptualizing my view of myself and my existence, and I am of course a bit offended to hear my philosophy deemed a "symptom of my illness". Funny how those lables so influence the way our thoughts are perceived. That being said, I will attempt to defend my statement: As one who studies neuroscience, I have learned how many (all?) of the thoughts we have are based on biological and physical processes. However, nothing scientific can explain what animates these thoughts, what brings about consciousness in the first place. This essential awareness, not thought nor emotion nor pain, is what I consider my core. I have found no physical explanation of this awareness, yet empiracally as my own observer I can tell this awareness is here. I wish to pursue the career I have mentioned in order to continually test this hypothesis of myself. I am not religious nor do I wish to push my belief onto others, but for the reasons I have stated my conseption of myself is not dependent on my body.
"I am of course a bit offended to hear my philosophy deemed a "symptom of my illness.'"
Yes, I can understand why you would be. For me to suggest such an explanation could be construed as an ad hominem attack. Here's how I see it. I am attracted to the idea that my experience as a human is a lesser part of whom I am, meaning that I am greater than a transitory, ignorant, confused, pain-ridden, being. But, I see no evidence that this is so. When the human aspect of my being is asleep, or drugged, or in pain, I am utterly unaware of a part of me that is still awake, non-drugged, or pain free. The most I can do is to imagine otherwise, but as soon as I stop imagining it, all I see is the human part of me that is still drugged, suffering, etc. Given this, I suspect that the extent to which I succeed in thinking of myself as MORE than a human being, is an exercise in self-deception. Nonetheless, since I would like to believe otherwise, I inquired about your basis for such a belief.
"I know of the book, but have only read it in exerpts for a class several years ago."
I only picked it up while browsing the library, and had never heard of it...Humm, I see that it was copyrighted in 2007, so maybe you're confusing it with something else.
Another book you might enjoy is "My Stroke of Insight." It is by a neuroscientist who had a stroke that disabled her left-brain.
Given that you were insulted, I thank you for your reply. Please know that no insult was intended. I seldom if ever intentionally insult anyone, much less someone who I'm intrigued by and have nothing against.
snow-
your right, I could not have read that. i think i was thinking of peter singer, a philosopher i've read who has some interesting thoughts on evolutionary biology and the like.
awareness is a funny thing, something i do not claim to fully understand. however, although it is true we are not always cognizant of ourselves and our surroundings, my point is that sometimes we are. the fact that you have the ability to look back an analyze your lack of awareness is incredible, and not easily explicable in strictly scientific terms. when i say "i am a conscious being inhabiting a body" i mean that as a way of separating myself from my physical form. getting over my eating disorder required me to define and value myself by something beside my physicality. i retain that philosophy because i am still perplexed by the force that animates me, and i feel that it must be something more than what is physically present. my body can be damaged, but the animatory force experiencing and reacting to the damage (i.e. experiencing pain) is me. perhaps you see this as a hair-splitting differentiation or simply untrue, but my observations thus far have led me to this conceptualization. the fact that i am not always fully aware does not convince me that there is nothing exquisite about the fact that i sometimes am, and it is by this sometimes that i chose to define myself.
i have not read that book, but i have read several cases about split brain patients and other alterations of consciousness. the split brain case, in which one hemisphere may be conscious of something that the other half remains entirely unaware of, is of utmost interest to me. consciousness can be split, and that is an incredible thing... perhaps then it can also be combined... but that is a whole different can of worms.
That picture rules, lol! Good to see you still doin' good:)
hehe, thanks :) ya, the pic is definitely me, except i can't play the guitar :P
Playing the guitar is overrated HAHA, I should know.
It sounds like you have a plan and that's always a good thing. Not only do you have a plan but you have started to implement it, even better. You are definitely on your way Master Dragon.
Much luck, not that you'll need it:) Melody
Thanks Mel :)
i tried playing guitar once... i got blisters on my fingers after two days and my friend/teacher gave up on me. haha, my mom was all, honey you have many talents but this just doesn't seem to be one of them :P
I've never been bipolar, but I dealt with extreme mood swings for a while. I can imagine that it must be very difficult to deal with.
"peter singer, a philosopher"
And one of considerable renown of late for what are considered his scandalous views on euthanasia.
"i have not read that book, but i have read several cases about split brain patients"
I recommended this one because of the insights (some of them mystical) the author experienced due to being deprived of her left brain. They seemed congruent with your views.
"i am still perplexed by the force that animates me, and i feel that it must be something more than what is physically present...perhaps you see this as a hair-splitting"
I find it interesting that your experience with pain led you to the opposite conclusion to which mine led me. If you had said that you are more than your physicality, I would have wondered if you could still hold that view if you were to experience consuming pain. Well, I take it that you have, and it would be rather silly of me to try to argue you out of your position. I would even like to share your position, but I can't. Each of us can do no more than to make a good faith effort to know the truth, and to respect the fact that we will sometimes come to different conclusions.
God I adore you! I am just finally learning this year that I can have an effect on my cycles if I work at it! God love being Bi-Polar! Funny thing is, I worked at the Highs' first! LOL God, I should have done it your way.
Oh, and I think your comments are possibly as good as the blog! Much Love Chicka!
Snow- I thank you for this discourse, it is so important to perpetually reevaluate and challenge one's view point, and you certainly gave me a chance to do that.
L,E,R- Once again, I thank you sincerely- having people cheering me on makes all the difference in the world. I am curious if you have any insight working on the highs? That I would love to hear. Love and good karma back in your direction :)
Katie- Although bipolar is an extreme, I think most people understand how difficult it can be to feel in control of yourself at times. Difficult, sometimes, but also often interesting. I am trying to see it as a git of experience. :)
How are you doing today love, are you feeling any less anxious??
thanks for your continued support it is much apprecieted how ever you spell that...lol
love, Z
Z- any time and back atcha :)
I am doing well- my finals are over and now I am getting anxious about the next thing- Jeremy is going upstate with me to meet my fam tomorrow :/ I am excited but nervous- aka anxious- but so far no dangerous coping behavior
You continue to Rock my socks off!!!!
you are blowing this Recovery thing out of the water
love,Z
Aww, thanks Z :) I am lucky to have gotten hear, had a great tx team. hopefully I can figure out how to spread it around.As always, the support is so incredibly helpful and appreciated.
Extreme mania is my life... and I like to think it's more fun than it sounds. I have "bipolar w/ manic tendencies" which means I get depressed for about 2 hrs, or a day TOPS, and then I'm upupUP for months. Haha, I need the energy! :)
michelle- that is rad, i have def had that at times, mega sweet shit. and ya, i find it hard to give up, but the drugs and reckless spending my manic self so craves tend to eventually bring me back down... and so it goes :)
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