MANIAC!

So after successfully warding off that bout of depression earlier this week, something very unexpected happened. The joyful, energized state I had been living in the previous week completely snowballed. As I sit here, sober and alone, I am enjoying drug-like euphoria, a sense of divine control and pulsating energy (despite having not slept since Wednesday). Although the last three days have been tremendously fun and productive (constant sex and hard partying all the while acing my final exams), I know that mania has the potential to turn ugly. For example, at the age of 15 I once, in a state of manic zeal to explore, rode my bicycle to a city 100 miles away with no money and no plan. I didn't sleep, eat or change my clothes for three days, nor did I contact anyone at home. It all worked out fine, but only because I am a lucky fuck. Point is, extreme mania is not desirable.

When I managed to avoid falling into that funk, I gave some thought to the possibility of using my bipolar disorder to my advantage. I could keep myself in a just-above-level state most of the time, and then shift into manic-mode during really hectic times. I could truly be in control. In order to do that, however, I will need to learn to manage the highs as well as the lows. I have put a lot of effort into identifying strategies to snap myself out of depression, but I have devoted very little energy to figuring out how to center myself from a state of mania (likely because it can be so much fun). Given the aforementioned symptoms, tonight seems a prime time to start testing some centering tactics. On the list for this evening:

1. Journal writing. Always sobering.
2. A guided meditation CD. I like the Open Focus series.
3. Play Kitaro. It's fabulous Japanese instrumentals that totally connect me.
4. Insence. I have a set of Feng Shui scents, and water is the calming element.
5. Sleep. If I can't actually fall asleep, I'll do what as my Mom intructed when I experienced insomnia as a child: "Just lie in bed with your eyes closed until morming." Usually, eventually, sleep comes.

Numbers 3 and 4 are already in progress, and I actually am already feeling the anxiousness ebb. Perhaps I am one step closer to becoming master of my mind.

xKimX

Fighting Bipolar, Cravings and the "Fat feeling"... and Actually Winning

A funny thing about bipolar disorder is that after a while you can predict the highs and lows, almost feel a raise or a drop coming a day or so in advance. Over time you learn to expect this, to the point that highs are difficult to enjoy due to knowledge of an impending period of depression.
Tuesday I woke up and I had that ominous feeling. My usually racing mind was sluggish, my motivation was caput, I felt "fat" for the first time in quite a while, I was stressed out about my less-that-trying day and nothing that usually cheers me sounded fun. Dr. A has been trying to convince me that I do not have to succumb to these feelings and mood changes, that I can be "proactive" and reverse them- but of course this is easier said than done. It's hard to make yourself follow a list of pick-me-ups when simply dressing seems daunting.
Luckily, I didn't have to be anywhere until 2pm, leaving me 6 hrs. to work out and get dressed. Given the state I was in, that was about the right amount of time. Before I even got to the gym, the little ED behaviors were sneaking up:
(1) I started picking at leftovers and food that was still in the package,
(2) At lunch I went back for another cookie- twice.
And (3) I actually chewed this gooey dessert bar thing and spit it out. At this point I told myself, Kim you are recovered; you do not need this anymore. You are strong and you can not slip.

I was determined. I did everything I could think of to snap out of it:

1. Go to the gym, do strength, cardio and streching. Appreciate my body in motion and enjoy the chemical rush.
2. Shower, dress and really put myself together. Find things I like about the way I look, and walk confidently (even if I don't feel it).
3. Hit the tanning salon- nothing like a little UV therapy to fight the winter blues.
4. Listen to happy music. I was rocking me some Sheryl Crow on my iPod at the lab, and yeah I got some looks as I loudly sang "I wanna soak up the sun", but hey, it felt great.
5. Write about it! Open up my journal, put that nice Uniball to the course paper and let it spill. I also wrote emotion lists and gratitude lists.
6. Ensure I wouldn't be alone (i.e. have opportunities to binge) in the evening. Luckily, Jeremy took care of this by inviting me out for the night and pick me up straight from work.

So by the time I was locking up the lab around 7, I was feeling pretty good. Jeremy took me to see an indie flick at the local art theater with some friends. (This theater serves tea and baked goods instead of soda and popcorn- I had Chamomille and a bite of Jeremy's brownie.) Afterwards a few of us went out for a beer to talk about the film. It was a great conversation, and Jeremy and I both managed to stick to one beer a piece. At this point I was feeling like myself again, really "in it". Jeremy and I went back to his place, watched the Colbert Report, and ended up talking until 4am. I felt so fortunate and connected, all the more so because I know how horribly this day could have ended.

Today I once again feel amazing. I managed to ward off a bout of depression, avoid a probable ED relapse, and practice moderation in a bar. Two months ago I would have said none of these things were possible, but believe you me it is well within reach. I feel in control and enjoy each passing breath.

Wishing you all health and happiness,
xKimX

Update on the new T

My new T, we'll call her Dr. A, is working out pretty well. I was slightly put off at first- I was in there literally 4 minutes when she asked,

So have you been diagnosed as bipolar before?
Grr. Yes. That is not what I was here to talk about, but apparently it is going to be.

Been on any meds for that? There is not an iceberg's chance in hell that I'll fill any scrip you give me unless I intend to crush it and suck it up nose.

But, after that was cleared up, it was pretty smooth sailing. She doesn't ask too many questions, she just sort of lets me go off and then gives me her take on it. I prefer a therapist with a more active approach, but I'll give this ago because she seems relatively bright and insightful. She also said

You would probably benefit from coming in more than once a week.
So I made the she's-that-crazy list.

Unfortunately, I can't disagree with her. Mostly I'm only as together as I am right now because I see her, my nutritionist and my exercise councelor every freakin' week, so why not up it? What I need to remember is that, at least for now, this is what it takes for me to be healthy. I'll probably be able to wean a bit eventually, but I am in a good place right now because of these people. Come on Kim, stick with it. Gah.