Blow and Body Love

So I am currently in the lab (yes, on Saturday). Last night was the end of our Monday-Thursday complete sobriety plan, and we selected Friday as an OK day to drink and what not. We went to a local tapas bar for a drink, and then went to the grocery to get food for a nice meal at home. We made pork chops with a grapefruit avocado relish- sounds weird but trust me it was awesome. Then we get a text. J's brother M wants us to come over to his place for some "cough, sledding". My adorable J says, "I think I'll tell him it's a little too cold out." After a sideways look from me, he gets the subtext. We decide, hey, today is our party day for the week and we haven't seen M and his fiance A in a long time. It turned out to be an AWESOME night. When we first get there A comes up to me and asks me to be her bridesmaid! I was SO excited, I really feel like I am becoming a part of their family :) I had great conversations with J, M and A, and overall the night was lovely. J and M are the musical sort and I was highly impressed by them throughout the night. M sounds completely like Brad Nowell when he sings. J and I stayed over and stayed up all night talking and... well we know what blow does :) Best part? No comedown. I am at work now, haven't slept a wink, and haven't had a toot in 9 hours- I feel tired but mostly very good. (a.k.a. I am not sitting here envying the rats I coke up in the lab). Maybe because my body has had it so easy all week. J and I are of course back no-nothing now, but I feel like once in a while is OK. Also, our mindset has changed- we had 6 grams plus unlimited booze, pot and cigarettes. Between us all we only finished 3 grams (M has grand ideas for some special at home wash for the rest), and I didn't do anything else. J had a few beers, but really kept it pretty under control. I am also completely thrilled because when I first was saying we ought to cut back, I said to J that 3 days a week was more than enough. Now he says we should only have one day a week to put weird shit in our bodies. So yea, I am excited for moderated fun.

While we were laying around and letting everything wear off, J and I got to talking about my body image issues and ED stuff, and how even though I am eating healthfully now I am still obsessing. He literally gave me an hour long pep talk about how great my body was and I felt so incredible and so loved. He talked about every part of my body and why he loved it, paying special attention to my stomach- touching it and telling me how it is a woman's "most under appreciated curve"- (and he really actually finds it sexy- he got hard on from touching my little soft tummy!)At the end of that talk I came to the realization that I really don't need to lose weight, even now. I honestly think I get hit on more now than I did when I was thin (likely because I am happy and it shows) and that I really am beautiful as is. My new goal is to be as healthy as possible. If that causes me to lose weight, great. If not, that's great too. I feel like I had a major breakthrough in body love. Fuck the numbers, I look incredible.

Wishing moderation and self-ppreciation to all of you!

xKimX

The Next 15 Years

So a comment on my last entry spurred me to predict how my life will look over the next fifteen years. Having it in writing, I will be able to compare (assuming I live that long) my ideal to whatever actually goes on:

This year: Move to Chicago with J, start graduate school at Northwestern.
Next year: J and I plan to get engaged if everything is still going well.
By 2012: Get married, again conditional, but I have a good feeling.
By 2014: Get my PhD in Neuroscience, take time off to start family.
By 2015: Buy first house.
By 2017: Have two kids.
By 2022: Get a post-doc position (once kids start school).
By 2024: Get a tenure-track University job, start my own research program.

How does drug use fit into all of this? I intend to funtion under my same current rules until I am trying to have kids. The rules are:

1. No meth or heroin- I like it waaay too much.
2. Really, really limit the ecstacy- it's already altered the old noodle.
3. Try not to drink more than four days per week.
4. Don't do blow more than once a week.
5. Hallucinogens are "special-occaision" drugs, no more than twice a month.
6. I smoke like two hits of pot a day, and don't intend to change that.

So yea, some may not think this sounds like moderation, but trust me, it is. I have more or less stuck to these rules the last 3 years and been pretty succesful, so I think I ought to be able to sustain that in graduate school. We shall see...

Honestly, the thing that scares me isn't drugs, it's the recurrence of my ED. If I go back to any of my ED states (anorexic, bulimic, or exercise bulimic), I'll definitely lose it mentally and fuck up my graduate education because having an ED is way to much stress to handle on top of that.

Well, whatever happens, you can't tell me I'm boring :)

xKimX

Balanced with Blow

So the job interview went not so hotsy. The guy was really cool, but he said they were mostly looking for MCAT teachers. I will know for sure in a few days, but I most likely will not get it, and even if I did get the job I do not think I will take it anyway because I won't have time. I think I may just have to rack up some debt this semester because it looks like I will be gone pretty much every weekend:

Jan 22-25- Going to Disco Biscuits shows in 4 cities (yes, I like Trip-Hop :P )

Jan 31-Feb 2- Interview at Yale

Feb 6-7- Interview University of Chicago

Feb 13-15- Michael Franti concert in a neighboring state

Feb 20-22- UW Madison interview

Feb 27- Mar 1- Northwestern interview


Mar 19-23- Cabin in the mountains with J, his bro (M) and his bro's fiance (A) :)

Mar 28- Apr 4- HOPEFULLY I get to go with on the family vacay for my (finally) 21st B-Day, and my Mom's 50 (same day), but we'll see how it goes with school (considering I will have virtually not been there and am supposedly supposed to be writing my thesis.)

Haha, you like how I have my interviews balanced out with weekends that are ideal for massive amounts of drug use? I'm pretty happy with the plan.

On the up side, I have been eating really healthfully and normally this week. Go me!

Live well all,

xKimX