So a comment on my last entry spurred me to predict how my life will look over the next fifteen years. Having it in writing, I will be able to compare (assuming I live that long) my ideal to whatever actually goes on:
This year: Move to Chicago with J, start graduate school at Northwestern.
Next year: J and I plan to get engaged if everything is still going well.
By 2012: Get married, again conditional, but I have a good feeling.
By 2014: Get my PhD in Neuroscience, take time off to start family.
By 2015: Buy first house.
By 2017: Have two kids.
By 2022: Get a post-doc position (once kids start school).
By 2024: Get a tenure-track University job, start my own research program.
How does drug use fit into all of this? I intend to funtion under my same current rules until I am trying to have kids. The rules are:
1. No meth or heroin- I like it waaay too much.
2. Really, really limit the ecstacy- it's already altered the old noodle.
3. Try not to drink more than four days per week.
4. Don't do blow more than once a week.
5. Hallucinogens are "special-occaision" drugs, no more than twice a month.
6. I smoke like two hits of pot a day, and don't intend to change that.
So yea, some may not think this sounds like moderation, but trust me, it is. I have more or less stuck to these rules the last 3 years and been pretty succesful, so I think I ought to be able to sustain that in graduate school. We shall see...
Honestly, the thing that scares me isn't drugs, it's the recurrence of my ED. If I go back to any of my ED states (anorexic, bulimic, or exercise bulimic), I'll definitely lose it mentally and fuck up my graduate education because having an ED is way to much stress to handle on top of that.
Well, whatever happens, you can't tell me I'm boring :)
xKimX
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So please do not take this as a criticism as it absolutely is not, but what is the appeal of using drugs? Is it really about the feel-good sensation... or is it an escape or what? I only ask because I've never been around someone so honest about using before and the people I know who use are totally messed up...unlike you (i.e. you are in school and have a plan for a PH.D etc)
Also, you study neuro-chemistry right? Or something close? Knowing what you must know about the human brain and such does it ever worry you that you mess with the chemistry?
I drink alcohol in moderation so I understand the appeal of drinking...is it like that?
Sorry the lengthy nature of this comment. ;)
Caitlin- love the new pic, firstly. and i don't find that to be critical at all, totally fair question. the appeal? it really depends. the pot smoking i usually do right after dinner. i have an ulcer (probably because i am a booze hound) so eating often hurts and it helps that, plus i have a no-work-after-dinner rule and it helps me switch in to down time. the other stuff i list are maximums, not the amount i do all the time. cocaine is fun when i am going out with other people once in a while in the same way that alcohol is fun. when i drink i either have 1-2 at home with J or maybe 4-5 out with friends, because sometimes it is fun to get goofy. the appeal is the happy mood, the social lubrication, the flowing conversation. in the last month i have probably drank maybe two nights a week with J 9usually fri/sat) and have hardly gone out. ecstacy i used to use alot in clubs, but now hardly do. it makes you feel sexy and loving and is a great time. it was nice when i was depressed, but i have only done that once in the last year. hallucinogens are primarily for concerts or artistic endeavors. acid is fun because it totally opens your mind and makes you think things you never otherwise would. mushrooms are just an escape with pretty picture. both enable me to be far more artistically competent/creative. maybe i am just a junkie defending my addictions, but these are my feelings.
funny you should ask about what i study- i actually work in a psychopharmacology lab that focuses on cocaine and methamphetamine. my group is testing whether stress hormone alterations can counteract the learning deficits causes by chronic meth use. so yes, i know exactly what these things do to my brain. that's why i say "ecstacy has altered my noodle"- a scientist who looked at an fMRI of my brain said he could tell i had used E. that is why i will almost certainly avoid it in the future. and the work i do is a reason i stay away from meth. minimal cocaine use (i do a very small amount when i ski), however, doesn't have drastic long-term neurological consequences. but this is a tangent. do i worry? yes. especially about the hallucinogens. i have a history of schizo in my fam and using them is an awful idea. it's certainly Russian roulette. but if i had never dropped acid and wondered how it worked i would never have started doing what i do. God this is so long, i am sorry.
I'm glad that Caitlin asked you those questions because I found your answers really interesting. I'm relieved that even though you use drugs you are still very functional, but what worries me is whether it's possible to keep that up. Seems like you like living life on the edge which is cool, I just don't want you to fall off!
You are seriously the next Timothy Leary, lol. Rock on, girl! You've got to write a totally NO-BULLSHIT book about the actual effects of drugs v.s. what we are told. (after you get your PhD, of course):D
No its not long. It was interesting! I take from your answer that its sort of like drinking. Or rather, the appeal is the same as wanting a few drinks. Makes sense.
I just worry about safety...I have some relatives who are hooked for life and have screwed themselves nearly beyond repair...I think they use cocaine...not sure though. I just found it fascinating that you can take them or leave them...
Stay safe! And your 15 year plan looks like an excellent one!
kara- glad the long-ass response didn't bore you to death :) yea, i have had that worry too. i think i took it out of the post but another rule/custom i have is one straight-edge month per year- no booze, no pot, no nothing. this year i did may (mostly to detox from all the blow), and it felt good to know i could do that. i intend to keep that little tradition up, but of course there are still worries about staying "on". i guess, until i like have kids or something, it is a risk i am willing to take.
coke- hahaha, thanks dude, major ego stroke :) yea, i would definitely love to pull a leary and defend lsd (though not for those like urs truly with a family history of dissociative disorders), but when i get to grad school i am actually likely going to shift the concentration of my work a bit. who knows, right? anywaaaays, thanks for the props :P
Caitlin- safety is definitely a concern. i like to think i am protected from alot of the immediate physical risks (i.e. i am completely done with needle drugs, i am in a monogamous relationship, etc.), but there are still definite neurological dangers. i am sorry to hear about your family members. all too often that is the case. and i thank you for your concern. i can't pretend what i do is without danger, just because I can take or leave things now doesn't mean i will always have that luxury, and i am aware of this. thanks for the props on the plan, hopefully it's not too far from the truth :)
That's great to plan ahead that far, I can hardly plan the next week.
good luck
brian
downpour-me.blogspot.com
lawnandhome.blogspot.com
IF this is what you want now it will be cool to look at it in said-amount-of-years and see if you want the same things and if your attitudes/values etc have changed since because everyone does change a lot like this. I can't use myself as an examle though, 15 years ago I wanted that toy that girl had and I wanted it NOW.
'm sure yo know what I mean, good luck iwth allyour interviews listed, man you have A LOT.
Take Care
V
P.S - I don't think going to a party with you would be any fun at all, Nope I expect you;dbe an absolute bore. :P lol
brian- hey, glad you stopped by... yea, we'll see if it all pans out as planned :P
V- omg, i totally know what you mean- hell, i'll probably end up in a different career with a different guy in a different country for all i know, or alone and a vagabond, haha. and thanks :)
Look at you go! Still can't wait to see it! LOL Much love sista!
L,E,R- Thanks! Haha, we'll see... there seem to be some doubters but I'm still confident :)
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