So I have been blogging less lately. It seems like when life is going well my creative juices dry up and I have less to say, or at least less I deem sufficiently interesting. When I am struggling I swear I spend like four hours a day pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard or brush to canvas, you know what I mean), but when life goes well I feel like I have nothing worth reflecting on. Anyway, what has been happening...
An update on the love life: I'm in deep. Head over heels. It's awesome. And the best part is, beside the passion and the sex we actually click wonderfully intellectually and want the same things out of life. J has said he will go with me where ever I go to grad school. We have decided to move in together when I make this transition. I am completely excited. He says he think we ought to get engaged in the next year. If everything goes smoothely once we are living together, I'm all for it. Woohoo!
As or ED stuff... They were out of Fiber One at the grocery so I wound up buying a raisin bran type cereal. I have alot of trouble with sweet cereals, so this was a little scary. This morning I ate way too much... maybe 850 calories worth counting milk (and by maybe I mean I measured how much was left to determine how much I consumed, so yeah, pretty accurate...). I was pissed at myself. Of course. But unlike in the mega bad ED times, I didn't keep eating at that point. I went to the gym, ate veggies for luck, and am planning on a small late dinner. My mood is good, and I am feeling OK. So, there are still incidents, but not nearly as extreme. I still obsess and keep records, but without the intense emotional consequences.
I am planning to tell my shrink tomorrow that I intend to stop seeing her, She is too passive and I am too busy. I am still planning to see the D once a month or so, but I think that is all I still need from my Tx team (which I used to have appt.s with 3x/wk.). I also haven't used any drugs (except a little teeny weeny bit of pot and booze) in the last week r so. Go me!
So such is life dudes.
Live well.
xKimX
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10 comments:
I'm glad things are going well for you. You deserve it. Congratulations on not bingeing today, I know once you start eating it can be so hard to stop. Way to go! Do you think it would be good to switch to see more active therapist? Or do you think you are done with therapy for a while?
I know this is a bit late but thank you for stopping by my blog and leaving a comment.
I like your blog layout.
Oh, I know that feeling very well, lol. I'm fine & content being off the roller coaster for a while, but sooner or later (usually sooner, lol) this stone's gotta roll again;). "I'm gonna be fine. I'm gonna be great, as long as I'm here living in the fire" - (lyrics to one of my songs)
kara- honestly, yes, i do think it would be good. but it was so difficult to find one in my area that did ed stuff, and so frustrating for it to not work out i don't think i have the drive to start a new search. so i think i am done for a while, but not because i don't need it, but because i can't motivate myself to expend the time and energy.
princess- thanks, never too late :)
coke- bwa ha ha. omg so true, i loves it. do you have song recording posted? you should... and yea, i'll hopefully be able to hang off most of the time until i figure out what i'm doing this year, but seeing as i have no plans for may, june or july this little fairly clean living stint will likely be far less than permanent. and i wouldn't have it any other way :)
Ooh, sounds good! I know exactly what you mean about the more you struggle the more there is to write/paint etc, but then again, it is, in my books counted as a coping mechanism/ being v theraputic!
Glad to know you're well. Good luck with stopping with your T and whatnot
V
sounds like you're making GREAT progress! as always, I'm SO PROUD of you! Congrats on being in love, doesn't it feel great? And please stay on your toes with recovery - I"m doing the no therapist thing too right now.
V- haha, i knew you would get that one, i think you have mentioned it before. thanks for the luck, we'll see how it goes...
V- my answer to your comment is the one above this listed as kim.
kyla- thanks so much :) and i'm glad to hear someone else is going that route right now, somehow makes it less daunting
Hi Kim (I am resisting the urge to call you Kimberly. I had a neighbor named Kimberly, and the stuffiness of the name sounds like a wonderfully annoying thing to do to you :)
I read the last dozen or so of your posts, rather than utilize time to post something on each one, I decided to just post a LONG comment here. (Ah, time...you APPEAR to be acutely aware of how valuable and scarce a commodity it is...)
New Year's Resolutions? Or life goals? What's the difference?
Here are two of mine:
1. Work on developing my mind so that at the time of death, I am at peace, AND if there is an afterlife, I attain the highest possible goal: the complete and utter liberation from suffering.
2. Don't bring children into this world until I can be sure to convince them that there is hope for the future. Too many parents seem to leave that up to fate, or place their hopes in religious beliefs that haven't been reasoned out very well.
3. Minimize suffering in myself, and help do so for those around me.
It is difficult to implement goals unless you remember them, but you're good at school, so I suspect you don't have a problem with memorization. I remember when I was working on becoming a teacher at an elementary school (I have since seen the futility of such a goal), it was recommended that classroom rules should be limited to between 3 and 5, because they don't do any good if the kids don't remember them.
I've never had an eating disorder, but I do believe there was a time that I experienced Erectile Dysfunction, or no, it wasn't erectile dysfunction, it was PE, premature ejaculation. Anyway, how fast do you eat?
Drugs are alright, but wow, when you're hungry, nothing hits the spot like food does, and the craving for this feeling might be the underlying cause in the chain of cause and effect that is leading to your eating disorder. Just a "theory".
I find it interesting that you use drugs to such a degree, and that you're studying to be a neuroscientist. Perhaps some papers on the effects of drugs on the brain might be worth your while. It seems to me the next generation of neuroscientific research will be on to what degree meditation can affect the brain, and if it can affect the brain on the same level as drugs. Interesting idea, I wonder what your peers would think of it.
Another thought...If sentience is a function of the brain, and not the other way around, how many neurons are needed to cause sentience?
May you be free from suffering,
Kevin
P.S. this post has already been edited for grammatical and spelling errors, and I wish I could grow a fro.
Hey Kim,
I'm glad you blogged again :) I enjoy hearing about how you're doing! It's refreshing to hear about life's joys. I think it's common for people to turn to blogs more-so when life is a bit sideways. I also find it hard to think of topics to write about when life isn't a little off kilter. Ahh well. Glad you're doing well! :)
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