Recovery Progress

So I have been blogging less lately. It seems like when life is going well my creative juices dry up and I have less to say, or at least less I deem sufficiently interesting. When I am struggling I swear I spend like four hours a day pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard or brush to canvas, you know what I mean), but when life goes well I feel like I have nothing worth reflecting on. Anyway, what has been happening...

An update on the love life: I'm in deep. Head over heels. It's awesome. And the best part is, beside the passion and the sex we actually click wonderfully intellectually and want the same things out of life. J has said he will go with me where ever I go to grad school. We have decided to move in together when I make this transition. I am completely excited. He says he think we ought to get engaged in the next year. If everything goes smoothely once we are living together, I'm all for it. Woohoo!

As or ED stuff... They were out of Fiber One at the grocery so I wound up buying a raisin bran type cereal. I have alot of trouble with sweet cereals, so this was a little scary. This morning I ate way too much... maybe 850 calories worth counting milk (and by maybe I mean I measured how much was left to determine how much I consumed, so yeah, pretty accurate...). I was pissed at myself. Of course. But unlike in the mega bad ED times, I didn't keep eating at that point. I went to the gym, ate veggies for luck, and am planning on a small late dinner. My mood is good, and I am feeling OK. So, there are still incidents, but not nearly as extreme. I still obsess and keep records, but without the intense emotional consequences.

I am planning to tell my shrink tomorrow that I intend to stop seeing her, She is too passive and I am too busy. I am still planning to see the D once a month or so, but I think that is all I still need from my Tx team (which I used to have appt.s with 3x/wk.). I also haven't used any drugs (except a little teeny weeny bit of pot and booze) in the last week r so. Go me!

So such is life dudes.

Live well.

xKimX

The Next 15 Years

So a comment on my last entry spurred me to predict how my life will look over the next fifteen years. Having it in writing, I will be able to compare (assuming I live that long) my ideal to whatever actually goes on:

This year: Move to Chicago with J, start graduate school at Northwestern.
Next year: J and I plan to get engaged if everything is still going well.
By 2012: Get married, again conditional, but I have a good feeling.
By 2014: Get my PhD in Neuroscience, take time off to start family.
By 2015: Buy first house.
By 2017: Have two kids.
By 2022: Get a post-doc position (once kids start school).
By 2024: Get a tenure-track University job, start my own research program.

How does drug use fit into all of this? I intend to funtion under my same current rules until I am trying to have kids. The rules are:

1. No meth or heroin- I like it waaay too much.
2. Really, really limit the ecstacy- it's already altered the old noodle.
3. Try not to drink more than four days per week.
4. Don't do blow more than once a week.
5. Hallucinogens are "special-occaision" drugs, no more than twice a month.
6. I smoke like two hits of pot a day, and don't intend to change that.

So yea, some may not think this sounds like moderation, but trust me, it is. I have more or less stuck to these rules the last 3 years and been pretty succesful, so I think I ought to be able to sustain that in graduate school. We shall see...

Honestly, the thing that scares me isn't drugs, it's the recurrence of my ED. If I go back to any of my ED states (anorexic, bulimic, or exercise bulimic), I'll definitely lose it mentally and fuck up my graduate education because having an ED is way to much stress to handle on top of that.

Well, whatever happens, you can't tell me I'm boring :)

xKimX

Back On Track

So yesterday I tried to get back on track, but I ended up overeating anyway at night. But the good things about that day were that I did my workout, that I found out I got all A's again this semester, that I got an interview for the job I want in the spring working nights teaching a GRE prep course, that I lined up my second graduate school interview (University of Chicago and UW Madison so far!), that I got to have a good hour-long talk with Jeremy on the phone and that despite the storms my aunt and uncle arrived here safely from Cali. So the point is, yesterday I did end up overeating (like 3000 cals!), but it was overall still a really good day and I can't suddenly become obese overnight.
Today I DID manage to stick to my healthy eating plan, likely because I didn't let yesterday's disappointment get me down. I also made it to the gym again, did some work on my thesis, had another really great talk with Jeremy and got a bunch of errands done that I had been putting off. I am feeling way better! I am also feeling heartened that I will be able to go back to normal eating now that the holiday chaos has passed.

AND even though I have had some difficulty with my eating of late, I have still been doing AWESOMELY in terms of keeping clean. (FYI, my definition of 'clean' excludes booze and pot from the realm of drugs, it just means like no coke, meth, H, X and the like. I honestly would probablly still call myself clean after like acid or shrooms since they have zero abuse potential.) But yea, it has been over two months since Jeremy or I have done any of that shit, and I am proud of us.

And a little more on the relationship front... shit has definitely evolved. It has only been a short while (3 mos.) but I feel like this guy was freakin' hand-crafted for me. It's so rad, like I've never connected with another being like this outside of my madre. Oh ya, and big news- he's gonna move to Chicago (or wherever I end up) next year! He announced that that was his intent like a week ago and I was totally ecstatic/relieved because I didn't want to ask him to (resentment, etc.) but was totally wiggin' out about what would happen to us, so ya this like made my month. And I know I have to be realistic and a lot can happen and la la la, but hey for now I'm overjoyed.

That below is us after his company Christmas party wasted at a fav local spot, bwahaha. Hey, we didn't do anything shady, just ur usual Christmas cheer :)


Be healthy and love yourselves ladies and gents,

xKimX

Slightly later:

Gah. How come after I eat whatever the last thing I am supposed to eat is I suddenly start stressing out about the fact that I don't have more to eat. It's like when your coke runs out and you are really upset about it even before your high wears off from the last of it. Don't worry kiddos, I'll be strong, I have eaten the proper amount today and I know how good I feel when I stay on track. I can wait until tomorrow, I will be really strong for a couple more days, and then I will be all on top of my game 100% by New Years to start this 2009 biz-nass off right. But gah, I hate the feeling and I needed another little session of blog therapy to feel on top of it.

Sending strength to allll of you (and gettin' it back whether you know it or not!)

Peace, love, nighty night :P