So I am currently in the lab (yes, on Saturday). Last night was the end of our Monday-Thursday complete sobriety plan, and we selected Friday as an OK day to drink and what not. We went to a local tapas bar for a drink, and then went to the grocery to get food for a nice meal at home. We made pork chops with a grapefruit avocado relish- sounds weird but trust me it was awesome. Then we get a text. J's brother M wants us to come over to his place for some "cough, sledding". My adorable J says, "I think I'll tell him it's a little too cold out." After a sideways look from me, he gets the subtext. We decide, hey, today is our party day for the week and we haven't seen M and his fiance A in a long time. It turned out to be an AWESOME night. When we first get there A comes up to me and asks me to be her bridesmaid! I was SO excited, I really feel like I am becoming a part of their family :) I had great conversations with J, M and A, and overall the night was lovely. J and M are the musical sort and I was highly impressed by them throughout the night. M sounds completely like Brad Nowell when he sings. J and I stayed over and stayed up all night talking and... well we know what blow does :) Best part? No comedown. I am at work now, haven't slept a wink, and haven't had a toot in 9 hours- I feel tired but mostly very good. (a.k.a. I am not sitting here envying the rats I coke up in the lab). Maybe because my body has had it so easy all week. J and I are of course back no-nothing now, but I feel like once in a while is OK. Also, our mindset has changed- we had 6 grams plus unlimited booze, pot and cigarettes. Between us all we only finished 3 grams (M has grand ideas for some special at home wash for the rest), and I didn't do anything else. J had a few beers, but really kept it pretty under control. I am also completely thrilled because when I first was saying we ought to cut back, I said to J that 3 days a week was more than enough. Now he says we should only have one day a week to put weird shit in our bodies. So yea, I am excited for moderated fun.
While we were laying around and letting everything wear off, J and I got to talking about my body image issues and ED stuff, and how even though I am eating healthfully now I am still obsessing. He literally gave me an hour long pep talk about how great my body was and I felt so incredible and so loved. He talked about every part of my body and why he loved it, paying special attention to my stomach- touching it and telling me how it is a woman's "most under appreciated curve"- (and he really actually finds it sexy- he got hard on from touching my little soft tummy!)At the end of that talk I came to the realization that I really don't need to lose weight, even now. I honestly think I get hit on more now than I did when I was thin (likely because I am happy and it shows) and that I really am beautiful as is. My new goal is to be as healthy as possible. If that causes me to lose weight, great. If not, that's great too. I feel like I had a major breakthrough in body love. Fuck the numbers, I look incredible.
Wishing moderation and self-ppreciation to all of you!
xKimX
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5 comments:
I'm glad to hear you guys have decided to cut down too. I'm seriously down to once a week (maybe twice, usually not). It's also good to hear from someone else who believes that moderation is the key. So many people recite that line to me "once and addict, always and addict". I think that's bullshit. So that means that people who drink on the weekends or a couple times a month are alcoholics?? B.S. I say!!! :P
I loved this post, especially the last paragragh!! You are inspirational!!!, Its so great to hear that body love is possiable...I dream of the day that it happens to me. I am so proud of you in so many ways...its been wonderful to watch your pregression toward self acceptance!!!
Love, Z
I wish I felt that good about my body. I don't feel healthy at all. I know I got thin. I'm at the weight I wanted. But I'm not happy. I'm weak, flabby, and skinny. I used to be curvy and strong. I wish I could have that back in some ways. I don't want to start eating again unless it's the healthy way but with my lifestyle, its really challenging to do. So just reading your post... and some of your other recent posts have been a really good example to me. Thanks girl :)
Wow, this is WONDERFUL! He sounds so good for you. Congrats on being a bridesmaid, I've always secretly wanted to be a bridesmaid, and I love the thought that "the stomach is a woman's most underappreciated curve." that's hot!
coke- i'm not sur my stance on the addict thing- i know i have a harder time stoping than some, that on that night M and I were fiending and no one else was- but i don't think stopping altogether is the answer. the ed thing has shwon me that- u can't stop eating so you have to learn to moderte. why not the same with drugs?
zena- it IS possible!!! and it WILL happen to you :) i really appreciate your support, knowing my progress is helping others too helps me to push forward.
vi- yet another similarity we share- when i was skinny i did often miss my strength. now I am incredibly vital and powerful and it gives me a strong sense of self and to have a body that reflects the person I am. goo9d luck, i know you will fid the body that reflects you :)
kyla- thank! he IS good for me- incredible. the greatest positive thing thats ever entered my life. and i have never bn a bridesmaid before, so i am really excited. glad you like the stomach thought- i do too! i was looking at myself in my underwear this morning and admiring that little curve. i hope one day every woman cen feel that.
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