Battling Total Shut-Down

I am supposed to leave today for my triple interview. I am supposed to be at Yale tomorrow, University of Chicago Saturday and University of Southern Cali Monday. I am supposed to be gone already, but I am shutting the fuck down.

I binged badly on Sunday during the Superbowl (anyone join me on that?). I broke down and started crying when we left the party and J stayed up and listened to me and soothed me for hours, even though he should have been off celebrating his team's win. He said there was nowhere he'd rather be, but I felt guilty as fuck. He stayed with me and talked to me until I fell asleep, presumably to keep me from throwing up or going to the gym.

I woke up the next morning and still felt like hell. On top of the binge, I was getting a nice latent coke hangover. He offered to take me home, but I said I couldn't get up. He went to work and I ate four bowls of cereal and the rest of his mint chip ice cream. I sent him an email saying what I had done and how I felt. He came back at 1 and took me home. I didn't go to class. I didn't go to lab. I didn't do anything that required leaving my building.

That evening I made it to the gym (on the first floor, big whoop). I felt a little better after, but I was still set on not eating any more for the day. That night J put out some salad and started eating some. He said it was there if I wanted it, but I didn't have to eat it. I had some. Then he made some whole wheat pasta with home made veggie sauce. Really healthy. He said there is plenty, and if I wanted some I could have it. No pressure, he'd eat it for lunch tomorrow if I didn't, but it was there. I ate some. It didn't feel good, but in the morning I was glad I had.

Tuesday I made myself worksheets and checklists to fill out to make sure I was eating, exercising and sleeping healthfully for the duration of this trip. I did pretty well yesterday, but I did overeat a little at dinner.

This morning I had to say goodbye to J. I won't see him for a week and it kills me. I got in my car and cried as I watched him walk off to work. Then I went home and ate more than I intended before going to my shrink's office to cry some more. I got it together to go to lab, but I had someone cover the second half of my experiment so I could go home. Then I overate before going to the gym. I felt a little better after and intense run on the treadmill (9 miles in 60 minutes baby!). I got a call from my Dad while I was stretching. He isn't going to help me out with money this month. I thought he might- I'm only 20 and I have a lot going on, he has sometimes before, but nope. He seems to think I am J's problem now. So I went upstairs to my apartment, and guess what? I cried some more. BUT I DIDN"T EAT. I got in the shower. Now I am blogging.

I am hoping to reconstruct my mindset here. Last night J was telling me, "This is a free vacation. These people are already impressed by you- they just want to wine and dine you and put you up in nice hotels and convince you to come to their school. It will be fun- you will meet people who you already know from their work and look up to. You have worked hard for this- enjoy this. This is a series of incredible opportunities."

I am trying to internalize that. This is an amazing week for me. I am going places I have never gone (on someone else's bill) to meet Nobel Prize winners and award-winning doctors. This is awesome.

The counter voice: You are so out of control! You are broke and going into debt, you are getting fatter all the time and have lost control of your body, you will be entirely disconnected from all those who love you, your interview clothes probably don't even fit anymore!

NO! I CAN DO THIS! AND LIKE IT! I am beautiful. I have a strong sexy woman's body. I will make ends meet, I always do, it may require a dig into the savings, but that is doable. I will kick ass on the interviews. And J is reachable for me 24/7.

I'm still not sure. will I get it together, pack and make it upstate for my flight? Or will I take a bunch of Unisom, get under my covers, and deal with the aftermath later? At least that way I can't be eating.


What am I saying? What is the point of this blog? The point is to get these thoughts out and let life in! The point is that I am a strong person, greater than this disease, greater than my fears, and excited to navigate this world. I am going to do it. I am going to get my ass up and dress, pack my shit, and get on my way! I have worked too fucking hard to ruin this now. Depression, ED, drug craving, anxiety- you can ALL KISS MY SEXY ASS!

Watch me go...