So I knew I gained a lot of weight over Christmas and I was afraid to see my nutritionist. I finally went yesterday, and it sucked giant hairy donkey balls. I gained 7 lbs. and realized I had successfully undone the good eating habits I had started to establish. I was back to eating infrequently, not picking the right foods, making up for extra calories, the whole sha-bang. I definitely spent most of that hour crying and hating my body and feeling immense frustration. With the help of my lovely nutritionist, however, I was able to come up with a plan of attack. I was even allowed to set a sensible weight loss goal. What I need to do mostly is keep healthy food on hand and eat it throughout the day. I haven't been grocery shopping lately (rather poor right now) and have been eating unhealthy foods infrequently. She convinced me I need to prioritize myself and my health. Today I am going shopping for nutritious food to keep in the car on the road trip and when I get back I am going shopping for real and stocking my fridge with healthy fair. Gah, it just really infuriates me to have made anti-progress. Just think where the human race would be if we didn't so love self-sabotage. (I know, I know, save that emo shit for MySpace, right?)
I also saw my shrink this week. I tried to divorce her and it didn't work. I feel like she is too passive to be of use. I gently explained this and said I had too much on my plate right now to try and deal with the whole therapy thing too. She said that probably meant I was really in need of therapy. I am supposed to think about it for a week and let her know at our appointment next week. I really don't want to- I feel like therapy was nice when I was lonely but that now with so many friends around and a great relationship I don't really need it. Well, I have many hours of driving over which to ponder this.
And, to complete the Tx-team check-in run, I also saw my exercise counselor. She was actually really happy with me (I have done awesome sticking to my program), but she suggested I switch my work outs up once in a while. Apparently, the same exercise becomes less effective with repetition. In her office I totally vetoed this idea. The thought of changing the only part of this I was still doing well on freaked me out. However, I have since given it some thought, and have decided maybe making 3 programs (instead of one) and switching monthly-ish might make sense and be manageable. I am going to dicsuss that with her at our next appointment.
I am staying strong, I want to keep fighting, I am determined to get better. I am not in control as I once was, but I am not willing to give in.
Remember, ED is conquerable.
xKimX
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10 comments:
I am so proud of you for staying so strong! I admire your ability to keep going in spite of the hurdles. For me, I seem to be facing my setback by setting myself up for even more setbacks. I wish that I wouldn't do that.
Why is it that a sometimes we ignore what we have to do to reach our most sought after goals, even though we know we'll get what we really want in the end? I will never understand the human brain that way.
I agree with your T that when you don't want to go to therapy it's when you usually need it most. However, have you thought about just cutting back the amount you see her? I don't know how much you see her now, but from once a week to once every other week or from every other week to once a month? Whatever works.
Have fun at the concert! And the rocket does look like a tampon, haha.
Wow, your determination is brilliant. Keep it up girl. As for the therapy, perhaps "I have too much on my plate" isn't the best reasoning lol, because it just suggests, as she said that you could do with it. Maybe asking for the style to change, suggesting that something more hands on and practical may be of more use.
V
violet- thanks so much for the support and encouragement!! I am really trying to keep a strong front here, but it has been tres difficult lately. best of luck to you too, stay strong!!
kara- i am still on the fence about the T thing. I agree to an extent, but I feel like i'm wasting my time. Then again, when I'm really fucked up, I always tell myself how important it is to stay on track... gah. That's why I've got the week to mull it over i guess.
V- hmm, another one down on the idea of me quitting therapy... perhaps I am getting the message. I really like your suggestion and I will bring that up with her next week. I have a hard time telling how much say I have in what happens there. Thank you :)
I have not posted a comment in a while, and I want you to know I am still reading... You've been giving me a lot to think about... I'll let you know what I come up with when it all makes sense in my head. You are an incredible woman... that I know for sure.
I gave you an award!
Go to my blog and see it!
= )
- Lucy
You are still going forward if you take two steps forward and then one step back, then two steps forward again. It just takes a little longer, but you eventually get there.
I really enjoy your blog and what you have to say.
Anybeth took the words right outta my mouth:D Remember to look at the big picture (your OVERALL progress) & don't get too caught up with the inevitable stumbles along the way ;)
Daft,
The strenth you have is amazing. Recovery is not a straight line...its a up and down process as long as you end up one step ahead of where you left off in the end tehn you are on the right road, I am so proud of the hard work and digging you are doing...I may have missed it but where are you going, I have been MIA as of late and am dying to know where your trip will take you...take good care and sending out much love! OH and on teh T thing when you want to quit thats when you need it most...what are you afraid that might come up...whats the real feeling behind not wanting to hit the issues...
Love, Z
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