ED Recovery Anti-Progress

So I knew I gained a lot of weight over Christmas and I was afraid to see my nutritionist. I finally went yesterday, and it sucked giant hairy donkey balls. I gained 7 lbs. and realized I had successfully undone the good eating habits I had started to establish. I was back to eating infrequently, not picking the right foods, making up for extra calories, the whole sha-bang. I definitely spent most of that hour crying and hating my body and feeling immense frustration. With the help of my lovely nutritionist, however, I was able to come up with a plan of attack. I was even allowed to set a sensible weight loss goal. What I need to do mostly is keep healthy food on hand and eat it throughout the day. I haven't been grocery shopping lately (rather poor right now) and have been eating unhealthy foods infrequently. She convinced me I need to prioritize myself and my health. Today I am going shopping for nutritious food to keep in the car on the road trip and when I get back I am going shopping for real and stocking my fridge with healthy fair. Gah, it just really infuriates me to have made anti-progress. Just think where the human race would be if we didn't so love self-sabotage. (I know, I know, save that emo shit for MySpace, right?)

I also saw my shrink this week. I tried to divorce her and it didn't work. I feel like she is too passive to be of use. I gently explained this and said I had too much on my plate right now to try and deal with the whole therapy thing too. She said that probably meant I was really in need of therapy. I am supposed to think about it for a week and let her know at our appointment next week. I really don't want to- I feel like therapy was nice when I was lonely but that now with so many friends around and a great relationship I don't really need it. Well, I have many hours of driving over which to ponder this.

And, to complete the Tx-team check-in run, I also saw my exercise counselor. She was actually really happy with me (I have done awesome sticking to my program), but she suggested I switch my work outs up once in a while. Apparently, the same exercise becomes less effective with repetition. In her office I totally vetoed this idea. The thought of changing the only part of this I was still doing well on freaked me out. However, I have since given it some thought, and have decided maybe making 3 programs (instead of one) and switching monthly-ish might make sense and be manageable. I am going to dicsuss that with her at our next appointment.

I am staying strong, I want to keep fighting, I am determined to get better. I am not in control as I once was, but I am not willing to give in.

Remember, ED is conquerable.

xKimX

Emotions Deconstructed.

You ever feel overwhelmed and confused and just generally mentally fucked, but unsure why? Like, every day? Me too. This sometimes helps. This is an exercise I saw on another blog (Kyla) once that I often do on paper. It really helps me figure out where my head is at. All you do is spend a few minutes trying to connect with yourself and make a list all the things you are (or think you might be) feeling. Then you try and come up with the reasons you might feel them. Here goes:




Enthusiastic: I have lots of interviews coming up as well as fun concert excursions. I am getting really pumped about moving in with J this summer. I am ready to graduate college and move on the the next awesome phase of my life.

Excited: I get to go to killer concerts, travel to different cities, meet new people and use fun drugs this weekend.

Nervous: This weekend, I expect to be highly fucked up in unknown places with strangers.

Stress: I have to be writing my thesis, going to interviews, getting a ton of lab work done and keeping my grades up. I also am not going to work this semester, so I will be racking up some lovely debt.

Loved: J is incredibly supportive and never lets me forget how much he loves me. We are going to cook dinner together tonight and have a quiet evening at home. I was so lonely for so long, so this one really feels incredible.

Nostalgic: I just had lunch with my girlfriends and we were reminiscing about all of the times we've had in college and how it's coming to a close.

Accepted: I finally, for once in my life, have a group of fantastic girlfriends who I am open and close with.

Guilt: I have been neglecting my friends to some extent lately because I have wanted to spend so much time with J.

Apprehension: I really want to put everything into this life I am starting with J, but I am still worried about whether he will always be able to keep his drinking under control. He goes out a lot less, but when he does go out he gets fucked the hell up every time and it scares me. He and I have been talking about it and I want to have full faith he will continue to get better and better, but I am unsure.

Pretty: I had a follow-up interview for that GRE prep course I want to teach, and I am wearing my pretty blue eye-matching interview shirt.

Energetic: J and I got up early and went to the gym this morning. I had an awesome workout and feel great from it.

Worried: My Mom's mental illness has gotten really out of control lately. She may have to be institutionalized and I am really afraid of how that will affect my 13-year-old sister.

So, there you have it, the inner working of my head unveiled.

xKimX

Connectivity

So some people have a real knack for creating fluid blog entries, riddled with subtle humor and connected throughout by a common thread that gives the reader a smile and a clear take home message. I am not one of those people.

First note:

So I definitely binge ate this morning and am planning on going to the gym soon. I am not going to go above and beyond my one hour workout I am supposed to do on Thursdays, but I am going to not eat again until dinner (when I have to because I am going out with the fam). I also will not eat any of the junk at the movies because I have had more than my fair share of crap food already today. Gah, 1300 calories before noon, I am such an idiot. I really liked calling myself "recovered", but I guess that I was just in remission or something. I will still feel ok today if I stick to this plan, and I can get back on track tomorrow. I'm really tempted to take a laxative and clear out. I think I probably will.

Second, entirely unrelated statement:

In the realm of Kim's no-longer-twisted lovelife, I had a pretty rad realization last night. I used to not be able to envision settling down with someone because I was afraid I would miss the chase, the jitters, the first kisses, the honeymoon phase where you adore one another's shit... But then I realized something: I am not giving up anything, I am moving on to something deeper. J and I have the chance to enjoy complete connection, a lifetime of shared experience and perfect comfort with and acceptance of one another. Finally, I have something real and the opportunity to explore and understand what all love can really mean. I don't feel like I'm losing anything; I feel utterly connected and I am gaining everything.

Final, again pathetically tangential, rambling:

My Mom is way off her rocker, and in a much different way than usual. She usually has three states: (1)Normal stepford wife interacting with the outside world. (2) Utterly depressed person lying face down naked on her bed sobbing. And (3) Manic crazy lady dissociated from her herself, joyriding without knowing where she's been. But what did I get this time? I got (4). And (4) is all new... complete apathy. She sits on the couch all day in sweats, laptop in lap. The house is a mess. She doesn't eat. Instead of speaking to me, she emails me from two cushions over (I kid not), as if turning her head to speak were too much effort. She spoke once this morning to say, "Huh. I had a dentist appointment an hour ago." And then turned back to her screen. We're dragging her to dinner and a movie tonight. We'll see how that goes. I just really hate it, like not knowing what I am going to get.


So, if I were a shrink, I could tie these together I suppose. Perhaps food is love. Perhaps when J is around the void is filled, and at home I often distinctly feel it's lack. But I am not a shrink. And I know my Mom loves me dearly, (I'm even her favorite), and just has some of her own issues to deal with.

And so it goes.

xKimX

Apparently, I am no fun

So I actually had a really good session with the shrink today and opted out of telling her I didn't want to come anymore. She said that J and I work very well for each other, but that I am using him to fill a void. Which is true, I hate being alone... As always, she thinks it's a Mommy and Daddy thing- my Dad was never around growing up and my Mom has a mental illness so she was present yet absent. Thus, I feel the need to constantly surround myself with support and love because I had those thing inconsistently growing up and can't trust they will still be there without a physical presence to console me. That is also why I suck at life when I am single, apparently. The solution, I am told, is to fully explore and resolve the feelings I have (neediness, separation anxiety, etc.) and learn to deal with them when they arise when I am alone. I suppose I'll just keep seeing her the next couple of months until I move and see where this goes.

I met today with a favorite female neuroscience professor to talk about balancing the career I want and family life. Apparently, people in my field rarely take actual time off from there careers, but significant slowdowns (like 3 hrs. a day) are common. I like this idea a lot because the full-time Mom idea freaks me out- like I'd go nuts with zero adult contact. So, a slight alteration of my plan has already occurred. Apparently, having someone with really flexible work schedule and plans as a partner (i.e. someone like J) is ideal. Sweet.

I also met the grad student I work with in my lab to set up my schedule this semester (really light because I am also supposed to be thesis writing), and got some good news: My thesis research, which was turned down for publication in a national scientific journal, is now approved after some changes and extensions I made last semester! Yay, by the end of this summer I get to have published research!
In brief, we showed that blocking stress hormones in the body can prevent some of the brain changes cause by chronic meth use (crazy drug, haven't toughed it since I started this project). Now that the article is approved there is talk of moving to clinical trials in the next year. Of course I will be long gone off to grad school, but I'm still excited. Haha, at the end of that meeting this grad student I worked with told me she didn't think I'd had a day of fun in my whole life... I'd like to think I've got her fooled :P

I'm back at the parents house for a few days before I finally have to go back to class. I miss J, but I'm having a good time. We'll see if I can resist the ED demons while I'm here...

Peace Dudes

xKimX