So some people have a real knack for creating fluid blog entries, riddled with subtle humor and connected throughout by a common thread that gives the reader a smile and a clear take home message. I am not one of those people.
First note:
So I definitely binge ate this morning and am planning on going to the gym soon. I am not going to go above and beyond my one hour workout I am supposed to do on Thursdays, but I am going to not eat again until dinner (when I have to because I am going out with the fam). I also will not eat any of the junk at the movies because I have had more than my fair share of crap food already today. Gah, 1300 calories before noon, I am such an idiot. I really liked calling myself "recovered", but I guess that I was just in remission or something. I will still feel ok today if I stick to this plan, and I can get back on track tomorrow. I'm really tempted to take a laxative and clear out. I think I probably will.
Second, entirely unrelated statement:
In the realm of Kim's no-longer-twisted lovelife, I had a pretty rad realization last night. I used to not be able to envision settling down with someone because I was afraid I would miss the chase, the jitters, the first kisses, the honeymoon phase where you adore one another's shit... But then I realized something: I am not giving up anything, I am moving on to something deeper. J and I have the chance to enjoy complete connection, a lifetime of shared experience and perfect comfort with and acceptance of one another. Finally, I have something real and the opportunity to explore and understand what all love can really mean. I don't feel like I'm losing anything; I feel utterly connected and I am gaining everything.
Final, again pathetically tangential, rambling:
My Mom is way off her rocker, and in a much different way than usual. She usually has three states: (1)Normal stepford wife interacting with the outside world. (2) Utterly depressed person lying face down naked on her bed sobbing. And (3) Manic crazy lady dissociated from her herself, joyriding without knowing where she's been. But what did I get this time? I got (4). And (4) is all new... complete apathy. She sits on the couch all day in sweats, laptop in lap. The house is a mess. She doesn't eat. Instead of speaking to me, she emails me from two cushions over (I kid not), as if turning her head to speak were too much effort. She spoke once this morning to say, "Huh. I had a dentist appointment an hour ago." And then turned back to her screen. We're dragging her to dinner and a movie tonight. We'll see how that goes. I just really hate it, like not knowing what I am going to get.
So, if I were a shrink, I could tie these together I suppose. Perhaps food is love. Perhaps when J is around the void is filled, and at home I often distinctly feel it's lack. But I am not a shrink. And I know my Mom loves me dearly, (I'm even her favorite), and just has some of her own issues to deal with.
And so it goes.
xKimX
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9 comments:
I liked your post even if they were unrelated. However, my favorite part of your post was when you said that if you were a therapist you could make them all connect. Now, I'm a fan of psychology, but sometimes I think therapists can twist any two things together to mean something deep and disturbing when really they are unrelated. I want to tell them that not everything has to relate to my childhood fears or deep pathology - some things just ARE. Just be. You know?
Relapses are ok - I think it's best to acknowledge them & move on. As far as dealing with the rest, I'd just say do what feels right. It never hurts to listen to your true self.
Lol, sorry but I have to laugh at the e-mail from Mom because that's something I myself would totally do! It's funny you mention your "lack" of fluidity in writing in the same blog entry. I've discovered that people communicate in different ways all the time & that I'm one who prefers to write (and probably most bloggers with "fluid" entries, and possibly your mom, because we practice writing a lot more). I'm definitely not a phone person - just ask anyone who knows me, lol, but I can certainly talk if I have to, or on the rare occasion that I really want to (typical Cancer sign!). Nonetheless, I still find your blog very pleasant and enlightening, so don't stop! Fluidity is nice, but content is always what attracts me as a reader;) Oh, and kudos to you and J! :)
kara- i totally agree- i'm always totally torn between wanting to believe my therapist and seeing the sense of what she says versus thinking, why the hell are you trying to make everything mean way more than it does? haha, i suppose we'll just have to toe the line.
katie- thanks for that. i was really feeling pretty failed and i like your take on that a lot. i've been able to do better since then and i really do feel like i can just put it behind me. you have great perspective.
coke- haha, so your one of those... :P my mom is a writer, and because of the drugs she's one she has alot of trouble finding word when speaking sometimes, so that's pretty insightful of you. thanks you so much for the compliment on the blog and for the congrats, I appreciate :)
At least you have some understanding of your mum and that she just has some issues of her own rather than getting angry at her. I mean wow, from two cushions over!
Also, you've done so well that the occasional slip up is all part of it, so they say, just don't forget how far you've come already. ALso, as for the fluidity, if varies. Often many of your entries are fluid and sometimes they're just bullets, either way you're writing which is a yay in my books, possibly only because I'm artially obsessed with the NEED to write.
Good luck with the dinner and film tonight!
V
v- oh, the need to write, have i been feeling that lately- blog, journals, etc., i totally feel ya on that one. and yea, i try to keep perspective, sometimes i say what i should think in hopes i'll actually believe it. gah.
I think that the purpose of writing (unless you're writing for something that is calculated for a significant reason like a paper or book) could and should be used as a tool for self gratification and achievement. Therapy. A blank state to write whatever you like in whatever way you can and want to. There are no expectations, especially on blogs that are not used on a professional level. Everyone has their own style and uniqueness. Everyone has their own personality and story. I encourage you to ignore how connected or non connected your blogs feel, but just let out whatever you want, however you want! :) It is truly freeing.
First: recovery is a process with setbacks. I too can't wait to say "i'm recoverED, past tense," but I guess we've gotta be patient.
About your love - you're so insightful! I'm glad you don't see this step as giving up somehting, but gaining more.
Your mom - remember that you can't save her, no matter how much you love her. But thanks for taking her out and being good to her.
PS I like the way you write!
violet- that was a totally inspired comment, i completely agree with you and admire how articulate and powerful your statement was. thank you!
kyla- this is such a thoughtful response! i suppose saying i am recovered helps me maintain the proper mindset most of the time, but i too am of course still on the path. hehe, and i i'm glad i have a crazy-in-love blogger buddy :)
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