On Track

So yesterday I called the shrink's office to "finalize the divorce". I got no answer, so I got to enjoy the anonymity and sheepishness of voicemail. And you know what? I feel fantastic. Today was GREAT. I ate healthfully all day, I made it to the gym, I was mega productive and I am even looking forward to cooking Mexican food with J tonight. (You heard me, I WANT to eat dinner! I'm not over-stuffed or self-loathing!) This could have something to do with the fact that my weight was down this morning. Funny how that still dictates the tone of the entire day. However, one little good push is sometimes enough to start me on that path, so here to hoping. I feel like I'm finally ready to lose the excess and no more. Today, I feel healthy, happy and accepting of myself.

Tomorrow I am leaving for another interview- UW Madison. The more I think about it, the more it seems like that is the right place for me to be. (I know, I'm fickle.) Madison is a liberal town with a great music scene and amazing restaurants. It has fantastic surrounding scenery, doesn't require a car and has an intimacy larger cities lack. J would do really well there, and he would have any easy time going back to school (which he has expressed interest in doing). There are also a lot of jobs there. The only problem now is getting in- Madison is ranked really highly among Neuroscience PhD programs. Higher than my Chicago schools. I am worrying now that I will have gotten myself over-psyched now and then won't get in. Gah. I really REALLY want this... Wish me luck!

Apparently, I am no fun

So I actually had a really good session with the shrink today and opted out of telling her I didn't want to come anymore. She said that J and I work very well for each other, but that I am using him to fill a void. Which is true, I hate being alone... As always, she thinks it's a Mommy and Daddy thing- my Dad was never around growing up and my Mom has a mental illness so she was present yet absent. Thus, I feel the need to constantly surround myself with support and love because I had those thing inconsistently growing up and can't trust they will still be there without a physical presence to console me. That is also why I suck at life when I am single, apparently. The solution, I am told, is to fully explore and resolve the feelings I have (neediness, separation anxiety, etc.) and learn to deal with them when they arise when I am alone. I suppose I'll just keep seeing her the next couple of months until I move and see where this goes.

I met today with a favorite female neuroscience professor to talk about balancing the career I want and family life. Apparently, people in my field rarely take actual time off from there careers, but significant slowdowns (like 3 hrs. a day) are common. I like this idea a lot because the full-time Mom idea freaks me out- like I'd go nuts with zero adult contact. So, a slight alteration of my plan has already occurred. Apparently, having someone with really flexible work schedule and plans as a partner (i.e. someone like J) is ideal. Sweet.

I also met the grad student I work with in my lab to set up my schedule this semester (really light because I am also supposed to be thesis writing), and got some good news: My thesis research, which was turned down for publication in a national scientific journal, is now approved after some changes and extensions I made last semester! Yay, by the end of this summer I get to have published research!
In brief, we showed that blocking stress hormones in the body can prevent some of the brain changes cause by chronic meth use (crazy drug, haven't toughed it since I started this project). Now that the article is approved there is talk of moving to clinical trials in the next year. Of course I will be long gone off to grad school, but I'm still excited. Haha, at the end of that meeting this grad student I worked with told me she didn't think I'd had a day of fun in my whole life... I'd like to think I've got her fooled :P

I'm back at the parents house for a few days before I finally have to go back to class. I miss J, but I'm having a good time. We'll see if I can resist the ED demons while I'm here...

Peace Dudes

xKimX