So in CA I was golden for a couple of days- I was eating write, I was using my memo pad, I was running for an hour on the beach every day and getting all kinds of love and fun from my awesome cousins. Then last night I get to my parents house. Immediate binge. And then again this morning. And this afternoon when I got to my apartment. J is due to walk through my door and I am really excited but I feel sort of guilty for ruining our little reunion by making myself feel like crap. I know being back to our normal life will help me out MAJOR and this little rough patch will dissolve, but right now I feel like hell. I didn't binge once in January and I must be at like 8 or 10 already in February. This whole traveling the country by myself thing is not conducive to my health and ED recovery. On the bright side I just got notice that I got into the University of Chicago Neuroscience PhD program! So, I have financial security for the next 5 years and a nice little path to my future. Crazy how I wasn't the least bit excited. Crazy how food and ED can ruin the best moments in your life. Because I know I would be ecstatic right now if I weren't busy hating my body and cursing my weakness and feeling like I might burst. What a strange place to be. Hopefully I can report back in a couple of days and say I am doing great. Wish me strength :)
Sending anyone who reads this some good vibes,
xKimX
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10 comments:
Stay strong! It's pretty easy to slip up. It happens to the best of us.
Do your best!
= )
All you can do is try!
I'll be sending you get mental vibes (or something like that, haha)!
I am SOOO happy for you about your acceptance into the Neuroscience program! Congratulations! You do have some hard work ahead but you've done such amazing work to get to this point. Good for you. Wow. I'm just so happy for you. :)
First of all - CONGRATULATIONS for getting into the Chicago program!!!!! That is huge!
I'm sorry you are still struggling. Hang in there. Thinking of you...
Woo-hoo!!! Congrats! And, of course I'm EXTRA happy that you will be studying in Chi-town:D You've got a good handle on yourself, dear. The fact that you realize that these bad feelings are temporary & will "dissolve" shows that your demons are losing control of you;) Just wait it out & know that the roller-coaster always eventually goes up again.
Congratulations on getting into the program.
Congratulations on the CHicago entry, woooo!
Disruptions to routines are often difficult to handle, so yeah, when you're back into a normal routine kind of thing, you'll be feeling better I reckon.
Hope you pull through OK
V
Katie- I appreciate the solidarity. Stay strong I will! I am trying not to beat myself up too much...
Luc- I def am feeling better, good vibes came my way somehow. :) Fun fact: my name is an anagram for "bit of karma"
Vi- Thanks for that! I have trouble congratulating myself so I appreciate the kudos big time.
Kara- Thanks! and thanks... Haha, it's weird how ED crap can like so taint and twist a good experience.
Coke- Thanks *glowing smile*- and "demons losing control"- I totally grabbed on to that line, thanks :)
gah. the previous two camments are me. I hate having multiple emails, it is a pain in the ass.
ANYWAYS
Princess- Thanks again for the congrats- other people saying it's exciting is helping me to feel so :)
V- Ya, getting back to normal would be nice- I doubt I'll be on a "routine" per se until like September so I'll just have to muddle through... :P
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