Yesterday around 3pm I started getting ready to go over to J's. We were having people over for dinner, some of whom I hadn't met yet, and I wanted to look nice. I started trying on clothes, and nothing fit. Not a single pair of pants would go on without causing massive spillover. I tried to resist the urge, but after about the fifth attempt I just started sobbing. How is it that I have gotten so big? My weight hasn't really gone up much this calendar year (maybe 2 lbs.) but all the progress I have been envisioning just isn't happening.
I pulled it together and made it through the dinner, which actually turned out to be a pretty good time, but it did include plenty of wine and some dessert (which was my own damn doing). At the end of the night I suppose I was obviously upset, because once everyone had left J kept asking me to talk to him and say what was wrong. I just started crying and spilling it all out- I hate the way I look, I am frustrated because I work out almost every day and hardly eat out and am doing pretty well with my nutrition plan but I just keep getting bigger. I have hypothyroidism, so if I eat what a normal person eats I get huge. Well, I guess that is the mistake I have been making.
In classic guy fashion, J wanted to find a solution. He kept emphasizing that he loves the way I look, but he wants me too feel happy. Something interesting that came out of our talk was that he feels uneasy when he sees me eating sweets or junk food the same way I feel uneasy when he is drinking. I never would have guessed but it makes total sense- it's not fun to see someone you love hurting themselves. Anyway, he was feeling bad because I said in the evening is usually when I start eating things I shouldn't (wine, ice cream, cookies, margaritas, extra dinner food, etc.), and thus he felt it was his fault because that is when I am with him. We figured it would be easier for me to do better if I wasn't tempted by him doing the things I was trying to avoid, so we came up with a few ideas that might make things easier:
1. We will not be buying ice cream any more.
2. We will make our plates and then put the food away before we start eating so I am not tempted to keep taking seconds and picking at it.
3. We will not drink during the week (I am not sure if J will follow through with this, but I at least need to.)
4. Only eat dessert once per week.
Also, on my own I have decided that I ought to start using the little notebook to keep track of my foods again. Stopping with that is always a bad idea. So today I have been using it once more. The long term goal here is to get to my doctor's recommended ideal weight range of 140-145, and I am still confident that I can do this by eating healthfully. It is going to take some extra discipline and I am prepared to do what is necessary.
Today I bought a pair of pants in a size 10. They are the biggest pants I have ever bought and I am hoping my need for them is temporary. Hopefully they will be able to keep me from crying when I dress in the mean time.
Peace.
xKimX
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4 comments:
(((((Kim)))))
I really feel for you and your experience you described. It mirrors exactly what I (and probably many others) have been through time and time again. I guess for me, I allowed my weight to sail up until I was almost a size 16. Painful. It hurts. It feels like your brain might as well be butterflies swarming around your head and you can't capture them and put them back. I think your plan is realistic and I'm glad J is supportive of you. If you are healthy, you know you're eating right and you're exercising, then I don't think size should matter. Size shouldn't matter anyway! Just look at what we're doing to ourselves, it doesn't make any sense. I don't understand it for myself either. Size 10 is not big. I don't know how tall you are but it doesn't matter, size 10 is NOT BIG. You may not be used to it or comfortable with it, but it is not big. I am guessing (based on what I know of you) that you wouldn't look at a random person who might be size 10 and think, "wow, she's fat." So... Kim... don't be hard on yourself ok? You have come so far. Leave this little blip behind and stay healthy. Love, Jena xoxoxo
I'm really glad that J is so supportive of you and really wants what's best for you. (I wish I could find a guy like that!)
I really understand how hard it is to feel big. I don't think you are big at all, but I know you feel that way and I feel for you. It's awful that size matters so much to us when it really shouldn't. I'm glad you have some plans in place for you to feel better, but careful about making rules too rigid.
Hang in there.
Awe, Kim! My best friend fluctuates between size 9-10 (don't EVER tell her I told you, lol!). She's been that way her whole life & there has not been a single day when I was not extremely attracted to her! (Yes, we've dated & decided that we'd end up killing each other in a love relationship :P). Anyway, my point is that guys are definitely physically attracted to women like you & I guarantee you that J is being genuine when he tells you that. You are a HOTTIE, dammit! There, I said it, lol. Now add that to your great personality & the fact that you are very smart, and what have we got? A MAJOR "catch"! It's all in your head, Kimmy - I think you know that deep down though. :)
Jena- Wicked imagery dude. But I totally get what your saying, thanks for relating. It's always grounding when someone "gets it". Haha, I am trying to tell myself that. All I can do is just keep swimming, right?
Kara- Hehe, you will, but I know I'm a lucky girl. Feeling big SUCKS. Haha, I will only date guys who are at minimum 6'3" and 220 so I can still feel small in comparison. And you right- rigid rules are a slippery slope, thanks for keeping me in check.
Pete- Aww, you just made me smile so big and feel all fuzzy! That is extremely awesome to hear, I really appreciate the sharing, and thank you for the compliments I feel like a million bucks :) :) :)
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