So, I went up to Madison with J on Saturday to look at apartments. The first one we saw was a no go- small, no light, lots of undergrads in the building. The second one, however, was gorgeous- big, high ceilings, nice building- definitely something up our alley. About 2 minutes into the showing, however, the manager girl looks at J and says, "Just so you know, we don't let any sex offenders live in our building." WTF??? She continues: "And we don't just do a local check- we look at Federal records." Wow. Next. The third place was new and pretty nice, but slightly outside our price range. A definite possibility. We were going to go to lunch and talk over our options, when J says to see if I can move one of our afternoon showings to now, one more shot before we pick between the less-than-awesome. A 70-ish guy with a full head of heir meets us. We go to the building and the neighborhood looks great- all brick buildings built in the 1930's, a park and the lake are right across the street, a grocery on the corner, and everyone looks to be between 25-35. This seems ideal. Then we see the apartment. All wood floors, huge windows in every room, a sun room, dining room, TV room, big living room with a fireplace, high ceiling, tons of storage, everything well kept up- totally gorgeous. Afraid to fall in love with it before we're approved (we have less than stellar credit), we ask the owner what the application process entails. "You say you're a PhD student at UW? You're in." I'm in disbelief. "What about this guy?" I ask, referring to J. "You're his reference. Anyone who is a PhD student at this school has had to do a lot to get there. I know the rent will get paid." We signed right away. We now have an AWESOME apartment in Madison, and get to move June 1 :)
As for ED stuff, I am doing great. I have finally started to reverse the weight gain- I've dropped my calories to about 1500, started exercise 5 days/week instead of 4, and have already lost 3 pounds since I got back from my mountain trip. I am already starting to plan how I will switch back to a maintenance plan so that when i reach my goal of 140-145 I will be able to stay there and not keep playing the ED losing game. Wish me luck!
3.26.2009
Quick ED Update
That mountain trip came with crazy amounts of eating and crazy amounts of calories burned. I hiked 30 miles, ate about 3,000 calories/day, and my weight stayed exactly the same. Crazy stuff.
As I was picking pictures to put up on the last post, I decided to take a little masochistic detour and peruse some of my old photos- i.e. me 50lbs. lighter. Well, I don't think the skinniest ones were really the best, but the ones at around 130? I looked damn good. But, my "healthy" weight is still 140-145, so that is still my aim.
I am still trying to follow the 1,600 calorie diet, and am hoping that by the end of the summer I'll reach that ideal. I have about 15 pounds to lose, so that seems reasonable.
I have been feeling really good about the strength of my body recently because doing amazing physical things helps me to view the body as a tool rather than as an object to look at. Also, lots sex seems to help (I'm seriously ridiculous- I get cranky after like 12 hrs.)
I had a bit of a binge on Tuesday when I first got back (my place was a mess, I had no one to hang out with, blah blah blah), but I managed to keep it pretty minimal. I did an extra workout that day (an hour of cardio), but I didn't do the 2 hrs that would have counteracted the whole 1,000 calorie binge. I ate a small salad with ahi tuna for dinner, and started fresh the next day.
As I was picking pictures to put up on the last post, I decided to take a little masochistic detour and peruse some of my old photos- i.e. me 50lbs. lighter. Well, I don't think the skinniest ones were really the best, but the ones at around 130? I looked damn good. But, my "healthy" weight is still 140-145, so that is still my aim.
I am still trying to follow the 1,600 calorie diet, and am hoping that by the end of the summer I'll reach that ideal. I have about 15 pounds to lose, so that seems reasonable.
I have been feeling really good about the strength of my body recently because doing amazing physical things helps me to view the body as a tool rather than as an object to look at. Also, lots sex seems to help (I'm seriously ridiculous- I get cranky after like 12 hrs.)
I had a bit of a binge on Tuesday when I first got back (my place was a mess, I had no one to hang out with, blah blah blah), but I managed to keep it pretty minimal. I did an extra workout that day (an hour of cardio), but I didn't do the 2 hrs that would have counteracted the whole 1,000 calorie binge. I ate a small salad with ahi tuna for dinner, and started fresh the next day.
Mountain Trip Pics
So the mountain trip was rad. We climbed two of the tallest mountains in the park and explored all sorts of waterfalls and rivers. We cooked, we hot-tubbed, it was grand. Check out my pics :)
We found a little waterfall :)
J really didn't believe me that there were indeed mountains here. (Smokies)
I think J looks like a guerrilla fighter in this hat.
I had to wake up early. Witness the sunshine.
J planning out our trek. (He is wearing an African dashiki and a fedora...)
Me walking along a sweet log bridge.
As expected, a little nature time (and some magic mushrooms :P )were TOTALLY what the doctor ordered.
We found a little waterfall :)
J really didn't believe me that there were indeed mountains here. (Smokies)
I think J looks like a guerrilla fighter in this hat.
I had to wake up early. Witness the sunshine.
J planning out our trek. (He is wearing an African dashiki and a fedora...)
Me walking along a sweet log bridge.
As expected, a little nature time (and some magic mushrooms :P )were TOTALLY what the doctor ordered.
3.17.2009
Working Hard
Thanks to everyone for their positive comments on the post from yesterday :)
Today is my intense work day- I have to have a draft of my entire thesis completed before tomorrow and I also need to create a scientific poster of my work (which sounds easier than it is) for a symposium the week I get back from my trip. I have a dinner and all-night-study party planned with the ladies this evening, and am hoping that I can get everything done by like 2am so I can sleep a little tiny bit.
I have successfully stuck to my 1,600 calorie plan the last couple of days, and it actually is pretty easy. It's funny because when I first switched from anorexic mode to binge eating mode, that seemed fucking impossible. If I could have just been able to handle this then I would probably still be a size 2. But yeah, my starving brain wasn't having that. Not to mention, at that point I was still running 100 miles a week, so I guess the circumstances are a little different. But I must keep telling myself: I do not want to be that skinny. I want to be at my doctor's recommended ideal weight, and once I am in that range I will go back to 1,800 and not worry about the occasional treat. It's all about the health factor, right? And maybe if I keep working on changing my mind like this, I can actually, fully convince myself I look better at a 6-8 than a 2. Here's to hoping, right?
Today is my intense work day- I have to have a draft of my entire thesis completed before tomorrow and I also need to create a scientific poster of my work (which sounds easier than it is) for a symposium the week I get back from my trip. I have a dinner and all-night-study party planned with the ladies this evening, and am hoping that I can get everything done by like 2am so I can sleep a little tiny bit.
I have successfully stuck to my 1,600 calorie plan the last couple of days, and it actually is pretty easy. It's funny because when I first switched from anorexic mode to binge eating mode, that seemed fucking impossible. If I could have just been able to handle this then I would probably still be a size 2. But yeah, my starving brain wasn't having that. Not to mention, at that point I was still running 100 miles a week, so I guess the circumstances are a little different. But I must keep telling myself: I do not want to be that skinny. I want to be at my doctor's recommended ideal weight, and once I am in that range I will go back to 1,800 and not worry about the occasional treat. It's all about the health factor, right? And maybe if I keep working on changing my mind like this, I can actually, fully convince myself I look better at a 6-8 than a 2. Here's to hoping, right?
3.16.2009
Crunch Time
First of all, THANK YOU SO MUCH to everyone who sent me nice supportive comments on my last post. It helps a TON, because it is true that on some level I know I am not completely a whale, but having it reinforced is supremely useful. I have just called myself "fat" so many times that changing that little neural network will take a LOT of repetition.
I am feeling pretty good about myself again today, but I have made the unfortunate realization that I can't lose weight on 1800 calories, so I am switching to 1600. I have also included some full-length pics of yours truly just so everyone has an idea of what I am working with in all my size 10 glory. I don't mind it, parts of it I really love, but I really think I would be more comfortable at a 6-8. So, The goal remains to lose about 15 pounds and hit the doctor-recommended "ideal" 143. The meal plan with this (like anyone really cares, but it helps me to put it in writing) is as follows:
Breakfast: Cereal and milk 240
Snack: Oatmeal, toast and egg OR fruit and yogurt 160
Lunch: Protein, whole grain, vegetable 300
Snack: Vegetable OR fruit 100
Dinner: Cook at home 600
Snack: Anything 200
My exercise routine is going to stay the same, I am going to keep using my handy little notebook, and we shall see if my weight is different in a month (currently I would guess 158.5, but I'll check tomorrow.)
In other news, I have officially accepted the dual-degree program offer. In order for that to work out, I will need to move on June 1 (yikes!)and J and I are getting really excited. My new life is about to begin! It will be a ton of work, but I am pretty sure I can handle it and still enjoy life. I will have to try harder not to get knocked up, because I'm pretty sure this precludes me being able to handle a bundle of joy. That was one of the nice parts about being sickeningly thin- when I was ammenhoriac, I knew my eggo couldn't wind up prego. Anyway, thanks again for the encouragement in taking on this responsibility- I am totally confident in the decision at this point and really happy that I will get to spend my summer in gorgeous Madison!
I'd best quit blogging now and get down to business... I have three days of very intense crunch time, but then Wednesday night I leave for my trip to the mountains!
Good vibes to all you deserving folks!
xKimX
I am feeling pretty good about myself again today, but I have made the unfortunate realization that I can't lose weight on 1800 calories, so I am switching to 1600. I have also included some full-length pics of yours truly just so everyone has an idea of what I am working with in all my size 10 glory. I don't mind it, parts of it I really love, but I really think I would be more comfortable at a 6-8. So, The goal remains to lose about 15 pounds and hit the doctor-recommended "ideal" 143. The meal plan with this (like anyone really cares, but it helps me to put it in writing) is as follows:
Breakfast: Cereal and milk 240
Snack: Oatmeal, toast and egg OR fruit and yogurt 160
Lunch: Protein, whole grain, vegetable 300
Snack: Vegetable OR fruit 100
Dinner: Cook at home 600
Snack: Anything 200
My exercise routine is going to stay the same, I am going to keep using my handy little notebook, and we shall see if my weight is different in a month (currently I would guess 158.5, but I'll check tomorrow.)
In other news, I have officially accepted the dual-degree program offer. In order for that to work out, I will need to move on June 1 (yikes!)and J and I are getting really excited. My new life is about to begin! It will be a ton of work, but I am pretty sure I can handle it and still enjoy life. I will have to try harder not to get knocked up, because I'm pretty sure this precludes me being able to handle a bundle of joy. That was one of the nice parts about being sickeningly thin- when I was ammenhoriac, I knew my eggo couldn't wind up prego. Anyway, thanks again for the encouragement in taking on this responsibility- I am totally confident in the decision at this point and really happy that I will get to spend my summer in gorgeous Madison!
I'd best quit blogging now and get down to business... I have three days of very intense crunch time, but then Wednesday night I leave for my trip to the mountains!
Good vibes to all you deserving folks!
xKimX
3.13.2009
2 Steps Forward, 1 Step Back
Yesterday around 3pm I started getting ready to go over to J's. We were having people over for dinner, some of whom I hadn't met yet, and I wanted to look nice. I started trying on clothes, and nothing fit. Not a single pair of pants would go on without causing massive spillover. I tried to resist the urge, but after about the fifth attempt I just started sobbing. How is it that I have gotten so big? My weight hasn't really gone up much this calendar year (maybe 2 lbs.) but all the progress I have been envisioning just isn't happening.
I pulled it together and made it through the dinner, which actually turned out to be a pretty good time, but it did include plenty of wine and some dessert (which was my own damn doing). At the end of the night I suppose I was obviously upset, because once everyone had left J kept asking me to talk to him and say what was wrong. I just started crying and spilling it all out- I hate the way I look, I am frustrated because I work out almost every day and hardly eat out and am doing pretty well with my nutrition plan but I just keep getting bigger. I have hypothyroidism, so if I eat what a normal person eats I get huge. Well, I guess that is the mistake I have been making.
In classic guy fashion, J wanted to find a solution. He kept emphasizing that he loves the way I look, but he wants me too feel happy. Something interesting that came out of our talk was that he feels uneasy when he sees me eating sweets or junk food the same way I feel uneasy when he is drinking. I never would have guessed but it makes total sense- it's not fun to see someone you love hurting themselves. Anyway, he was feeling bad because I said in the evening is usually when I start eating things I shouldn't (wine, ice cream, cookies, margaritas, extra dinner food, etc.), and thus he felt it was his fault because that is when I am with him. We figured it would be easier for me to do better if I wasn't tempted by him doing the things I was trying to avoid, so we came up with a few ideas that might make things easier:
1. We will not be buying ice cream any more.
2. We will make our plates and then put the food away before we start eating so I am not tempted to keep taking seconds and picking at it.
3. We will not drink during the week (I am not sure if J will follow through with this, but I at least need to.)
4. Only eat dessert once per week.
Also, on my own I have decided that I ought to start using the little notebook to keep track of my foods again. Stopping with that is always a bad idea. So today I have been using it once more. The long term goal here is to get to my doctor's recommended ideal weight range of 140-145, and I am still confident that I can do this by eating healthfully. It is going to take some extra discipline and I am prepared to do what is necessary.
Today I bought a pair of pants in a size 10. They are the biggest pants I have ever bought and I am hoping my need for them is temporary. Hopefully they will be able to keep me from crying when I dress in the mean time.
Peace.
xKimX
I pulled it together and made it through the dinner, which actually turned out to be a pretty good time, but it did include plenty of wine and some dessert (which was my own damn doing). At the end of the night I suppose I was obviously upset, because once everyone had left J kept asking me to talk to him and say what was wrong. I just started crying and spilling it all out- I hate the way I look, I am frustrated because I work out almost every day and hardly eat out and am doing pretty well with my nutrition plan but I just keep getting bigger. I have hypothyroidism, so if I eat what a normal person eats I get huge. Well, I guess that is the mistake I have been making.
In classic guy fashion, J wanted to find a solution. He kept emphasizing that he loves the way I look, but he wants me too feel happy. Something interesting that came out of our talk was that he feels uneasy when he sees me eating sweets or junk food the same way I feel uneasy when he is drinking. I never would have guessed but it makes total sense- it's not fun to see someone you love hurting themselves. Anyway, he was feeling bad because I said in the evening is usually when I start eating things I shouldn't (wine, ice cream, cookies, margaritas, extra dinner food, etc.), and thus he felt it was his fault because that is when I am with him. We figured it would be easier for me to do better if I wasn't tempted by him doing the things I was trying to avoid, so we came up with a few ideas that might make things easier:
1. We will not be buying ice cream any more.
2. We will make our plates and then put the food away before we start eating so I am not tempted to keep taking seconds and picking at it.
3. We will not drink during the week (I am not sure if J will follow through with this, but I at least need to.)
4. Only eat dessert once per week.
Also, on my own I have decided that I ought to start using the little notebook to keep track of my foods again. Stopping with that is always a bad idea. So today I have been using it once more. The long term goal here is to get to my doctor's recommended ideal weight range of 140-145, and I am still confident that I can do this by eating healthfully. It is going to take some extra discipline and I am prepared to do what is necessary.
Today I bought a pair of pants in a size 10. They are the biggest pants I have ever bought and I am hoping my need for them is temporary. Hopefully they will be able to keep me from crying when I dress in the mean time.
Peace.
xKimX
3.11.2009
Life Is Good :)
So I have come to enjoy the Random Blurb style of post I have been using lately. It seems to suit me well, and I think I am going to roll with it. Here goes:
So since I last posted, I have been freaking out about the possibility of being pregnant. I have still not gotten my period- and here comes the TMI again- I have been constipated, had lower back pain and having hot flashes. AHH! After working myself up sufficiently, I bought a pregnancy test. FYI, those little fuckers are like $25 for two. I walked home, paced, drank some water, and went for it. Three fairly intense minutes later, two lovely little words appeared- "not pregnant". YAY! Oh, the terrors of premarital sex.
(That's me and my friend the pee stick)
In other news, life is pretty good. I have been to the gym the last three days in a row (so I have made up my skipped workout from last week). I have been following my diet plan really well this week, with some flexibility. Tonight there will be a little difficulty as I am eating dinner at a bar with J and my best friend JB and two of our friends from home, ML and KC. This is me and four guys, all of whom will be man-handling the beer and wings. I have decided 2 beers and 3-4 chicken strips (rather than a cheese burger or nachos) ought to be alright. I should not have eaten 3 cookies this afternoon (instead of my usual salad), but hey, the damage is done now, no need to make things worse or dwell. Overall, I have been very healthy with minimal ED thoughts. Oh, and I did weight the other day, and miraculously didn't gain weight. Cool.
Good news of the day: I have a new awesome source of income :) Via Craig's List, I found an opportunity to work as a tutor for a Greek girl learning English- only 4 hrs./week at $45/hr.! That's like over $700 extra a month, which is so incredibly needed. Hooray for random jobs. I have found some great stuff on The List. I highly recommend it.
I have been thinking more on the Public Policy/ Neuroscience dual degree program, and I am leaning more and more toward doing it. I really like what Kara said about asking yourself if you would regret not doing it- the answer is probably yes. The people in charge of the program said they could arrange to start paying me early, so J and I might move to Madison as soon as June. Crazy shit!
Last note: I am getting totally stoked for my upcoming trips. This weekend J and I and M and A (his bro and his bro's fiance) are going to St. Louis to see Sound Tribe Sector 9 at the Pageant and visit their sister MC. MC is in beauty school, and we are all getting facials from her and her friends at their salon in the afternoon and then going to dinner before the show. Just a nice little one-night get away. Then, I come home and have a 3-day ass pounding (lab, midterms, general college catching-up) before I get to have my very last Spring Break. J and I and M and A and some others are going to a secluded cabin out in the mountains with a hot tub and such. Lots of hiking through hills, caves, rivers, waterfalls... mushrooms... hooray!
Hope everyone is happy today :)
xKimX
So since I last posted, I have been freaking out about the possibility of being pregnant. I have still not gotten my period- and here comes the TMI again- I have been constipated, had lower back pain and having hot flashes. AHH! After working myself up sufficiently, I bought a pregnancy test. FYI, those little fuckers are like $25 for two. I walked home, paced, drank some water, and went for it. Three fairly intense minutes later, two lovely little words appeared- "not pregnant". YAY! Oh, the terrors of premarital sex.
(That's me and my friend the pee stick)
In other news, life is pretty good. I have been to the gym the last three days in a row (so I have made up my skipped workout from last week). I have been following my diet plan really well this week, with some flexibility. Tonight there will be a little difficulty as I am eating dinner at a bar with J and my best friend JB and two of our friends from home, ML and KC. This is me and four guys, all of whom will be man-handling the beer and wings. I have decided 2 beers and 3-4 chicken strips (rather than a cheese burger or nachos) ought to be alright. I should not have eaten 3 cookies this afternoon (instead of my usual salad), but hey, the damage is done now, no need to make things worse or dwell. Overall, I have been very healthy with minimal ED thoughts. Oh, and I did weight the other day, and miraculously didn't gain weight. Cool.
Good news of the day: I have a new awesome source of income :) Via Craig's List, I found an opportunity to work as a tutor for a Greek girl learning English- only 4 hrs./week at $45/hr.! That's like over $700 extra a month, which is so incredibly needed. Hooray for random jobs. I have found some great stuff on The List. I highly recommend it.
I have been thinking more on the Public Policy/ Neuroscience dual degree program, and I am leaning more and more toward doing it. I really like what Kara said about asking yourself if you would regret not doing it- the answer is probably yes. The people in charge of the program said they could arrange to start paying me early, so J and I might move to Madison as soon as June. Crazy shit!
Last note: I am getting totally stoked for my upcoming trips. This weekend J and I and M and A (his bro and his bro's fiance) are going to St. Louis to see Sound Tribe Sector 9 at the Pageant and visit their sister MC. MC is in beauty school, and we are all getting facials from her and her friends at their salon in the afternoon and then going to dinner before the show. Just a nice little one-night get away. Then, I come home and have a 3-day ass pounding (lab, midterms, general college catching-up) before I get to have my very last Spring Break. J and I and M and A and some others are going to a secluded cabin out in the mountains with a hot tub and such. Lots of hiking through hills, caves, rivers, waterfalls... mushrooms... hooray!
Hope everyone is happy today :)
xKimX
3.10.2009
Positive Energy
So I haven't weighed myself this week, but I don't think I am going to. Last Friday was what has come to be known as "Unofficial" at my University. Because St. Patrick's Day usually falls over our Spring Break, a tradition has developed where we celebrate St. Patty's early, with an all-day drinking fest on a Friday in the beginning of March. I started out with Kegs'n'Eggs at 8 am, followed by a 3-kegger with pizza at my place around 2pm (see below for me rocking out on my balcony), and leaving for the bars at 9pm or so. Needless to say, many many beer and junk food calories. I am not weighing myself because I know I will try to be healthy this week regardless of what the scale says, and if I see a high number I will just be down on myself. So, as part of my new effort to give off and absorb only positive energy, I will refrain.
So this is probably TMI, but I'm gonna go ahead and share. Last week I skipped my period. I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant (my thyroid disorder just makes my body do stupid things sometimes), but for a while I was pretty worried. I told J about the situation, and I assured him, "This isn't uncommon for me, so you really shouldn't worry." And, dun dun DAH! He says with a smile, "I wouldn't worry. I'd be excited." How freaking lucky am I? This was the most comforting, reassuring, unexpected thing I could have possibly heard. Folks, this is my guy, without doubt. No, I don't want a kid right now, but I'm so stoked. I totally love this man.
This last weekend J and I completely overhauled his apartment. We rearranged furniture, cleaned out all the junk, scoured the whole place, finally finished decorating, all that jazz. All we need now is a dining set (we're currently rocking the card table and folding chairs), which I intend to go find tomorrow. The point is, we really turned "his place" into "our home". He's making me a key this week and I am going to start moving my stuff over there. It's totally exciting.
The Neuroscience program at Madison has an option for a dual degree that includes a master's in public policy. I was initially interested, then decided not to apply, then during the interview weekend got excited about it again, then again was daunted by the workload and backed out. Now I am getting many, many emails from people in charge of the program wanting me to reconsider and go ahead and do it. The upside would be that I would have a free extra degree with the option of doing cool legal stuff related to neuroscience (stem cell laws, brain death cases, etc.) The down side is I would be in school for at least *7* more years, and would have even less life then someone just being a normal neuroscience graduate student. I'll let you all know how the situation unfolds, but I'm currently totally torn.
So, that is an update in the life of the Kim. Now, I am off to the gym (eventually) to try and get back on track with this "healthy body" stuff.
xKimX
So this is probably TMI, but I'm gonna go ahead and share. Last week I skipped my period. I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant (my thyroid disorder just makes my body do stupid things sometimes), but for a while I was pretty worried. I told J about the situation, and I assured him, "This isn't uncommon for me, so you really shouldn't worry." And, dun dun DAH! He says with a smile, "I wouldn't worry. I'd be excited." How freaking lucky am I? This was the most comforting, reassuring, unexpected thing I could have possibly heard. Folks, this is my guy, without doubt. No, I don't want a kid right now, but I'm so stoked. I totally love this man.
This last weekend J and I completely overhauled his apartment. We rearranged furniture, cleaned out all the junk, scoured the whole place, finally finished decorating, all that jazz. All we need now is a dining set (we're currently rocking the card table and folding chairs), which I intend to go find tomorrow. The point is, we really turned "his place" into "our home". He's making me a key this week and I am going to start moving my stuff over there. It's totally exciting.
The Neuroscience program at Madison has an option for a dual degree that includes a master's in public policy. I was initially interested, then decided not to apply, then during the interview weekend got excited about it again, then again was daunted by the workload and backed out. Now I am getting many, many emails from people in charge of the program wanting me to reconsider and go ahead and do it. The upside would be that I would have a free extra degree with the option of doing cool legal stuff related to neuroscience (stem cell laws, brain death cases, etc.) The down side is I would be in school for at least *7* more years, and would have even less life then someone just being a normal neuroscience graduate student. I'll let you all know how the situation unfolds, but I'm currently totally torn.
So, that is an update in the life of the Kim. Now, I am off to the gym (eventually) to try and get back on track with this "healthy body" stuff.
xKimX
3.03.2009
"Lazy"
ED/Healthy Lifestyle Update
The good health plan is going well. I have done the workouts I intended to both yesterday and today. The work out plan is one I have been easing in to for a while, so I don't think maintaining it will be very difficult. I have also been following the eating plan really well. After years of creating diet plans for myself, I think I am finally getting better at balancing health and freedom.. The only minor issue I have had is eating slightly more than I intend (maybe 200 calories more) in the evenings. It is becoming apparent to me that J and I will be eating something at night after dinner most nights (last night we made banana smoothies), and I need to work this in to my plan. Since this plan is suppose to be one I can maintain and and not feel constrained in, I think the answer is to eat slightly less at dinner and still have a small dessert. I am thinking that 600 dinner calories and 200 late snack calories ought to be very doable.
I am already feeling really fantastic- I am not scrambling to get things done or preparing to leave town, and the feel-good benefits of living healthy are already sinking in hard core.
How much control do we really have?
It's pretty mind-boggling how much stress plays a role in my ED symptoms. I had always been a firm believer in executive control- that if someone was depressed they would be able to recover if they did the work necessary to do so, and that those who failed to see results even after months or years of drugs and therapy were probably too "lazy" to do what they had to to get better (there's an ED trait for ya). Now I am not as sure- I do still think that will power and willingness to make an effort play a huge role in recovery from many mental disorders (ED most definitely included), but seeing how I am SO negatively affected by stress I am beginning to understand the complexity of the issue. Very gray. Opinions?
How much is a person supposed to do every day?
I had an exam this morning that I think went fine, then I went to the gym and did my laundry. Somehow, though, I am still feeling like I have been "lazy" today. I spent some time reading blogs and looking around at Madison apartments on Craigslist (see photo of my lovely new home city below), but not much down time other than that. When I think about it objectively I have really done a fine amount of stuff, especially considering the period of interview/travel craziness I have just come out of, but I can never seem to give myself permission to relax. (More by-the-book ED stuff...) Anyway, as I no longer have a therapist, it is my job to be proactive in my own treatment. As per that end, I am giving myself the rest of the day off. I am only doing whatever I feel like doing and nothing else.
Me n My Man :P
Oh, update- so last night J and I made Mexican food. As we were sitting to eat, he said, "I'm gonna have a beer." Now, he wouldn't announce it if he didn't know I was on edge about it. I stupidly said (under my breath, mind you, he hears like a bat), "Happy Monday" in a sarcastic little voice. I immediately felt guilty. He rolled his eyes (I couldn't see him, but I imagine he did), and said, "OK, fine, I guess I won't". I said that I was sorry and that it really wasn't my place and that came out really harshly. I wanted to go on and explain what I really wanted to say, but he was annoyed so it wasn't the right time. We went on with dinner and there actually wasn't any lingering awkwardness or negative feelings. Later that night, while we were looking at possible hiking trails for our upcoming mountain trip, I again said, "I'm really sorry I said that before, I didn't want to hurt you or piss you off, it's just that I love you and I worry." He said, in a very calm and good-natured tone, "You can say whatever you want, always." That made me feel pretty good because he always is emphasizing how much he wants to hear what is on my mind or what is bothering me and how important communication is. We had an awesome rest of the evening- really silly and relaxed- and I imagine he'll speak up it soon- he usually does after a couple of days. I feel really good about the situation. I love this man and he is a brilliant introspective individual who, as I've said before, will always be able to stand on his own two feet. Hehe, and he just emailed me saying he put a roast in this morning for dinner- yay for man who cooks :)
Hooray life!
The good health plan is going well. I have done the workouts I intended to both yesterday and today. The work out plan is one I have been easing in to for a while, so I don't think maintaining it will be very difficult. I have also been following the eating plan really well. After years of creating diet plans for myself, I think I am finally getting better at balancing health and freedom.. The only minor issue I have had is eating slightly more than I intend (maybe 200 calories more) in the evenings. It is becoming apparent to me that J and I will be eating something at night after dinner most nights (last night we made banana smoothies), and I need to work this in to my plan. Since this plan is suppose to be one I can maintain and and not feel constrained in, I think the answer is to eat slightly less at dinner and still have a small dessert. I am thinking that 600 dinner calories and 200 late snack calories ought to be very doable.
I am already feeling really fantastic- I am not scrambling to get things done or preparing to leave town, and the feel-good benefits of living healthy are already sinking in hard core.
How much control do we really have?
It's pretty mind-boggling how much stress plays a role in my ED symptoms. I had always been a firm believer in executive control- that if someone was depressed they would be able to recover if they did the work necessary to do so, and that those who failed to see results even after months or years of drugs and therapy were probably too "lazy" to do what they had to to get better (there's an ED trait for ya). Now I am not as sure- I do still think that will power and willingness to make an effort play a huge role in recovery from many mental disorders (ED most definitely included), but seeing how I am SO negatively affected by stress I am beginning to understand the complexity of the issue. Very gray. Opinions?
How much is a person supposed to do every day?
I had an exam this morning that I think went fine, then I went to the gym and did my laundry. Somehow, though, I am still feeling like I have been "lazy" today. I spent some time reading blogs and looking around at Madison apartments on Craigslist (see photo of my lovely new home city below), but not much down time other than that. When I think about it objectively I have really done a fine amount of stuff, especially considering the period of interview/travel craziness I have just come out of, but I can never seem to give myself permission to relax. (More by-the-book ED stuff...) Anyway, as I no longer have a therapist, it is my job to be proactive in my own treatment. As per that end, I am giving myself the rest of the day off. I am only doing whatever I feel like doing and nothing else.
Me n My Man :P
Oh, update- so last night J and I made Mexican food. As we were sitting to eat, he said, "I'm gonna have a beer." Now, he wouldn't announce it if he didn't know I was on edge about it. I stupidly said (under my breath, mind you, he hears like a bat), "Happy Monday" in a sarcastic little voice. I immediately felt guilty. He rolled his eyes (I couldn't see him, but I imagine he did), and said, "OK, fine, I guess I won't". I said that I was sorry and that it really wasn't my place and that came out really harshly. I wanted to go on and explain what I really wanted to say, but he was annoyed so it wasn't the right time. We went on with dinner and there actually wasn't any lingering awkwardness or negative feelings. Later that night, while we were looking at possible hiking trails for our upcoming mountain trip, I again said, "I'm really sorry I said that before, I didn't want to hurt you or piss you off, it's just that I love you and I worry." He said, in a very calm and good-natured tone, "You can say whatever you want, always." That made me feel pretty good because he always is emphasizing how much he wants to hear what is on my mind or what is bothering me and how important communication is. We had an awesome rest of the evening- really silly and relaxed- and I imagine he'll speak up it soon- he usually does after a couple of days. I feel really good about the situation. I love this man and he is a brilliant introspective individual who, as I've said before, will always be able to stand on his own two feet. Hehe, and he just emailed me saying he put a roast in this morning for dinner- yay for man who cooks :)
Hooray life!
3.02.2009
New Chapter : )
I'm Going to Madison!
I am back to normal life! I got home from my Northwestern interview on Saturday, and I am completely done with the whole process. And the even better news? I GOT IN TO MADISON!!! I am totally stoked, and ready to tell them I accept the offer. I am just taking a few days to really mull it over because, hey, this is a pretty big decision. Last night J and I celebrated- we made chicken marsala and roasted asparagus, and then had chocolate fondue and a really fantastic bottle of wine. I am SO lucky to have this fantastic supportive guy coming with me into this next stage of my life, and I won't soon forget how fortunate I am...
On that note I do have to say one thing about the relationship stuff. We are at about 5 months (I know, I know, it's all really fast) and that for me is usually about the time when things start to change. Now, I was just reading some Vedic mantra business (I'm an eastern philosophy junkie in secret I guess) and one thing that comes up over and over is, essentially, "to expect people to be other than what they have been is irrational/crazy". Well, when I met J he was a heavy drinker/smoker and generally living very unhealthily. Given the things he had gone through in the preceding months (and my own habits at the time), I decided this was understandable and would wait and see what happened. Then for a while things were just getting better and better- we were cooking healthy food together, going to the gym, we were both hardly drinking outside of the weekends and he pretty much stopped smoking cigarettes and pot. Over the last couple of weeks, though, things seem to have digressed. He doesn't usually want to go to the gym with me, so either I don't go either or I go alone (like this morning). He is smoking cigarettes sometimes and pot occasionally, which wouldn't bother me really on it's own but in conjunction with other stuff it grates on me. Most troublesome to me, though, is that he hasn't gone a day without a drink in over a week. I feel bad for even knowing that/keeping track, but it really makes me sad. He knows it's an issue for him (and consequently me) but I have a hard time saying anything about it because I don't want him to withdraw or start lying to me or something. I was thinking about talking to him tonight and asking if we could go back to the clean Monday-Thursday plan, but I am nervous about doing so because I don't want to hurt his feelings. Any wisdom is appreciated.
As for my own health, I anticipate being much more together now that constant stress and travel are over...
ED/Health Stuff
At the gym today I weighed 158.2 lbs. This is almost as high as my high point Freshman year of college (161). I am actually not feeling too awful about it because I have had a lot of other stuff going on recently that seemed more important than my weight, and I think I had legitimate reason for skipping a couple of workouts and eating/drinking some extra treats (hey, it was all free!). Anyway, now that I am back to pseudo-normalcy I am fully ready to implement the get-fit plan. I am looking at losing about 1 lb/wk until I get to the 140-145 range that is supposedly my body's ideal. I have stopped seeing the nutritionist, the fitness counselor and the therapist. I may still make appointments with the first two at some point, but I honestly don't know when that will be. I think I have gotten pretty much everything out of these people that I can and the rest is up to me. So, here is the plan:
Nutrition:
Breakfast: 1 cup Fiber One flake cereal, 1/2 cup Fiber One original, 1 cup skim milk
Snack: 6 oz. container Lite'n'Fit yogurt, 1 piece fresh fruit
Lunch: 350 calories, including some protein, whole grain and vegetable
Snack: Romaine salad with 1/4 cup gorgonzola and 2 tbsp. raspberry dressing
Dinner: Up to 700 calories, preferably something cooked at home
Late snack: Tea with honey (or maybe a treat or a cocktail if dinner was small)
This plan is about 1800 calories/day. The everyday foods are things I love, but I am still planning to tweak it weekly to avoid getting to tired of stuff. According to SELF magazine this ought to make me lose about 1 lb./wk.
Fitness:
Monday:60 min elliptical, (1 min sprints every 10 minutes), 10 min stretch
Tuesday:30 min elliptical w/ sprints, 20 min strength training, 10 min stretch30 min
Thursday:60 min elliptical w/ sprints, 10 min stretch
Friday:elliptical w/ sprints, 20 min strength training, 10 min stretch
(Saturday):30 minute run outside if the weather is nice
Once again, according to that lovely magazine, 3.5 hrs. of cardio per week combined with an 1800 calorie diet should let me lose 1 pound each week. I think I will put in weekly weight updates, so we shall see how it works. I'm just excited to be feeling good about a plan that is non-extreme. Oh, and I am also writing down what I eat in a little note pad and trying to plan meals the day before. This helps me a lot. I am making an effort to do one "recovery activity" each day- blog, journal, meditate, read from one of my old self-help books about ED stuff- just to keep myself mentally on track.
Yay, normal life! How I love it!
I am back to normal life! I got home from my Northwestern interview on Saturday, and I am completely done with the whole process. And the even better news? I GOT IN TO MADISON!!! I am totally stoked, and ready to tell them I accept the offer. I am just taking a few days to really mull it over because, hey, this is a pretty big decision. Last night J and I celebrated- we made chicken marsala and roasted asparagus, and then had chocolate fondue and a really fantastic bottle of wine. I am SO lucky to have this fantastic supportive guy coming with me into this next stage of my life, and I won't soon forget how fortunate I am...
On that note I do have to say one thing about the relationship stuff. We are at about 5 months (I know, I know, it's all really fast) and that for me is usually about the time when things start to change. Now, I was just reading some Vedic mantra business (I'm an eastern philosophy junkie in secret I guess) and one thing that comes up over and over is, essentially, "to expect people to be other than what they have been is irrational/crazy". Well, when I met J he was a heavy drinker/smoker and generally living very unhealthily. Given the things he had gone through in the preceding months (and my own habits at the time), I decided this was understandable and would wait and see what happened. Then for a while things were just getting better and better- we were cooking healthy food together, going to the gym, we were both hardly drinking outside of the weekends and he pretty much stopped smoking cigarettes and pot. Over the last couple of weeks, though, things seem to have digressed. He doesn't usually want to go to the gym with me, so either I don't go either or I go alone (like this morning). He is smoking cigarettes sometimes and pot occasionally, which wouldn't bother me really on it's own but in conjunction with other stuff it grates on me. Most troublesome to me, though, is that he hasn't gone a day without a drink in over a week. I feel bad for even knowing that/keeping track, but it really makes me sad. He knows it's an issue for him (and consequently me) but I have a hard time saying anything about it because I don't want him to withdraw or start lying to me or something. I was thinking about talking to him tonight and asking if we could go back to the clean Monday-Thursday plan, but I am nervous about doing so because I don't want to hurt his feelings. Any wisdom is appreciated.
As for my own health, I anticipate being much more together now that constant stress and travel are over...
ED/Health Stuff
At the gym today I weighed 158.2 lbs. This is almost as high as my high point Freshman year of college (161). I am actually not feeling too awful about it because I have had a lot of other stuff going on recently that seemed more important than my weight, and I think I had legitimate reason for skipping a couple of workouts and eating/drinking some extra treats (hey, it was all free!). Anyway, now that I am back to pseudo-normalcy I am fully ready to implement the get-fit plan. I am looking at losing about 1 lb/wk until I get to the 140-145 range that is supposedly my body's ideal. I have stopped seeing the nutritionist, the fitness counselor and the therapist. I may still make appointments with the first two at some point, but I honestly don't know when that will be. I think I have gotten pretty much everything out of these people that I can and the rest is up to me. So, here is the plan:
Nutrition:
Breakfast: 1 cup Fiber One flake cereal, 1/2 cup Fiber One original, 1 cup skim milk
Snack: 6 oz. container Lite'n'Fit yogurt, 1 piece fresh fruit
Lunch: 350 calories, including some protein, whole grain and vegetable
Snack: Romaine salad with 1/4 cup gorgonzola and 2 tbsp. raspberry dressing
Dinner: Up to 700 calories, preferably something cooked at home
Late snack: Tea with honey (or maybe a treat or a cocktail if dinner was small)
This plan is about 1800 calories/day. The everyday foods are things I love, but I am still planning to tweak it weekly to avoid getting to tired of stuff. According to SELF magazine this ought to make me lose about 1 lb./wk.
Fitness:
Monday:60 min elliptical, (1 min sprints every 10 minutes), 10 min stretch
Tuesday:30 min elliptical w/ sprints, 20 min strength training, 10 min stretch30 min
Thursday:60 min elliptical w/ sprints, 10 min stretch
Friday:elliptical w/ sprints, 20 min strength training, 10 min stretch
(Saturday):30 minute run outside if the weather is nice
Once again, according to that lovely magazine, 3.5 hrs. of cardio per week combined with an 1800 calorie diet should let me lose 1 pound each week. I think I will put in weekly weight updates, so we shall see how it works. I'm just excited to be feeling good about a plan that is non-extreme. Oh, and I am also writing down what I eat in a little note pad and trying to plan meals the day before. This helps me a lot. I am making an effort to do one "recovery activity" each day- blog, journal, meditate, read from one of my old self-help books about ED stuff- just to keep myself mentally on track.
Yay, normal life! How I love it!
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