A Fresh Start

Something about Sunday always makes me feel as though I have a chance to start over, a new week with another chance to be the person I want to be. I binged horribly all weekend (again), but I don't have the same emotional response to it as I used to. I don't feel the anguish or tremendous guilt, just confuision at my actions. Anyway, I have decided that I can't wait to lose the extra weight. I do not want to be super skinny like I was before, but I do want to be at my doctor-recommended "ideal weight". That means losing about 9-10 lbs. I will do so slowly and without extra exercise. I am planning to cut about 100 calories from each of the 6 meals I am supposed to eat daily, dropping my total from 1800 to as low as 1200. This is not a starvation diet, and it leaves alot of room. Now, even if I overeat, I wil be maintaining, not gaining.

In other news, I think I may have met a guy that could turn out to be worth while. Thursday night we met at a bar listening to a band, turns out they were friends of his. He is a bit older, 25, and I really felt comfortable with him. He is free thinking and a little edgey, and spent the last 3 yrs. dicking around in CA, which is cool. He texted me Friday afternoon, "Stoked to have met u last night. I had a really great time. I want to take you out to dinner soon..." I haven't heard from him yet since then (I was hoping to maybe on Saturday, but alas, I just binged in anticipation. Just as well, I certainly wouldn't have wanted dinner anyway.) He sent that the next day though when he had had time to sober up and think aboutthings, so I still think he will probably call at some point. Oh dating, good times. Also in Kim's love life: The dairy farmer guy with the perfect body still calls me on occaission, but I for some reason lack drive for meaningless sex (gasp!).

I am still determined to have a binge free weekend. It hasn't happened yet, but it will. I just need to remember that I cannot deviate even a little from my plan on weekends. Perhaps next week.

Seeking Health Slowly

So I realized looking through my blogs and journals that I am more likely to binge when I don't work out. I am trying to stick to the exercise regimen my fitness councelor prescibed to me, which means limiting myself to four days per week. I have decided that I should have other planned activities that make me feel healthy on days that I do not work out. Wednesdays (today) I decided I would do a thirty mintue guided meditation from a CD along with 20 minutes of independent yoga. I just completed that, and I actually feel really good. On Friday, my next day off at the gym, I have planned some at-home spa time: I am going to take a bath in the jet tub with some candles and bath salts, maybe do my nails, toes or eyebrows, actually shave and moisturize for once... This sort of self-care always makes me feel well, but usually I am too lazy to do it, get bored or lonely on Friday afternoon and end up bingeing and feeling to fat and disgusting to go out. Perhaps if it is on a list I will actually follow through. I really am recovering, slowly but surely. I have limited bingeing to once or twice per week, but more importantly I have learned to use binges as learning experiences to further minimize symptoms in the future.

Heroin Sheek

AHH!!! I CAN"T STOP!!! I slept last night, I worked out this morning, I even went to a friend's place last night to put myself in a situation where I wouldn't eat. I handled it. But today again all I want to do is stuff myself silly.

My cousing is currently dealing with a heroin addiction, and I think about her alot. Last night there was this show on TV called Intervention, which follows addicts around and then their loved ones intervene and put them in treatment. My cousin was clean 30 days, relapsed, and isn't allowed back in treatment. The TV showed this girl put the needle in the vein on the back of her hand, get that glassy eyed look, and vomit extremely violently into a bucket. I have never been around heroin nor seen the act, so this really shook me. I started thinking of my beautiful cousin and all I wanted to do was cry and cry and be sick myself. I got up and left and went to my friend Liz's. She listened and gave me coffee and I felt a little better, but I still can't shake the image.

My cousin and I have always been about the same size, and we both got extremely thin last winter. I figured she was ED like me. Guess not.

It's odd how someone with bulimia would be so appalled by vomit, but something about the normalcy of the girl and the violence of the drug I just can't cope wit.
I texted my cousin to see how she was and didn't get a reply until this morning. She said that she was so depressed yesterday texting seemed like too much work. I have lost several friends to drug related deaths this year (3 to be exact, all under 25), and it has been hard. But family? Shit I can't handle this.

Thyroid, Bipolar, ED

Really exciting news: Next semester there is going to be an official neuroendocrinology seminar class at my University! This is exactly the field I want to go in to, so I am giddy and delighted.

The more I read and the more people's stories I hear, the more I realize that irregular mood disorders (such as bipolar I and II, cyclothymia, and ultra-radian cycling) are very closely connected with behavioral disorders (especially eating disorders). This is not news. The part that is news is this: Thyroid hormones in the brain interact extensively with chemicals that regulate mood, and thyroid irregularities are very common in both people with irregular mood.
From what I can discern, the there are two important factors in regulating these hormone and subsequently overcoming the behavioral disorders:

First is keeping an extremely regular lifestyle. This means keeping the same workout routine each week (or even better each day), sleeping the same hours every night, eating the same type and quantity of balanced food each day, and proactively working to keep stress at bay.

The second is with medication. I highly advocate that all people suffering ED's get their thyroid checked. Thyroid hormones, specifically T3, seem to be really important to mood regulation, hunger cues and mood. Natural replacements such as Armour or T3 replacements such as Cytomel are good thoughts.

This is just a shot based on what has worked for me and a few other stories I have heard. I have no idea how many people with ED would actually benefit from this, but it seems to be a common denomenator of several cases.

Monday

I binged really badly all last night until bed. I took laxatives, but I still feel very bloated. I have eaten pretty healthfully again today, worked and I went grocery shopping so I have better choices in the apartment. Today has been pretty good, got my final reccomender to agree to write me a letter for grad school. Also, she is teaching a class next semester in neuroendocrinology which is very, very exciting for me as that is exactly what I want to go into.
My Mom and my shrink both seem to think I have abandonment issues because my Dad was never home when I was growing up. I don't really know what to do to fix this, but I'll give it some consideration since I am being told the same by more than one person. Also, I need to investigate why the bingeing gets so bad on weekends... lonelyness, lack of structured time, not as much healthy food in the house, less sleep, not working out... should work on all of these.
Anyway, I am in the lab and need to go get my little meth-addicted rats out of the operant chambers.

Gross Now But Perfect Eventually

My stomach is hugely fat today, I feel so gross. I was doing so well for a while, now I am feeling like shit again. I have definitely eaten far more than I should today, won't eat any more. I will go back to the plan my nutritionist set out for me tomorrow. I hate the way I have progressed through the ED's from a perfect skinny Ana (low weight 109 lbs. and I am 5'8"!!!), to a struggling "exercise bulimic" (fluctuated with a center at about 127 for a while) to a fat fat disgusting binge eater who is not purging but still eating. I got rid of my scale, but I am certain I must be 150 lbs. by now. I just want to curl up and cry. I can't even look at myself naked. I have a fold under my stomach almost when I sit down, it is so hideous.

I do not have spirations to be model thin anymore, but I do want to be my ideal weight, which is 135-140 lbs. according to my nutritionist. I am going to spend the rest of this year attempting to fully overcome my ED (no bingeing, no purging, no eating anything not on a plate, and between 1600-2000 calories every day). My goal is to be entirely symptom free for october, so that by the time the holidays come around I will be in control enough to avoid further gain. Then, starting in January, I will slowly and healthfully bring my weight down to my ideal range before Spring Break. For the remainder of the school year, I will continue to work with the nutritionist to maintain my ideal weight so that when I graduate and go off into the world I will be at my ideal weight, ED-free, and full equipped to stay that way.

Chili, Anyone?

Last night I went to a White Trash Bash with my room mate. On my way there a man walked out into the sidewalk in front of me and said the following: "Stangers, please help me restore my faith in humanity. All day I have worked, nay I have toiled, away in a hot kitchen to create the world's most amazing chilli. Now as I stand here on this sidewalk attempting to spread this joy to the world, I find very few who will partake. Please indulge me and taste my chilli." I liked what seemed to be the underlying message of his overture, so after seeing him take a bite I did so as well. It truly was delicious, but then of course my breath smelled like chilli. The party was fairly boring, but fun to dress up for. At one point I jumped of a second story balcony to chase a ping pong ball we needed to finish our beer pong game. Now my foot and ankle hurt very badly. I left the party early, dissappointed to have found so many girls and so few men. What can I say, I like male attention. On my way home I decided to go one block out of my way to see if the Chilli Guy and his friends were still in their same locale. Sure enough, there he remained on his stoop. I went and sat next to him, he apparently remembered me. A few of his friends came out. Over the next several hours I had the best conversation I had had in months. Amusing annecdotes, literature discussions, well-informed philosophic interchanges, and alot of big laughs. I was amazed to find people who spoke like this; they are so rare and so exciting. They were actually quite surprised by my ability to keep up, which I appreciated. The night did not turn out at all as I had expected, much better I must say.
This morning my foot is killing me. I had what could have turned into a full-on binge this morning, but I curbed the behavior in time. I ate a large bowl of cereal, half a bag of chips (the healthier kind, 400 calories in half the bag), and a fat-free latte bar. These things total about 900 calories, so I think if I just pace myself properly the rest of today I shouldn't have a problem staying within the guideline set forth by my nutritionist. Right now, however, I feel rather fat and disgusting. Ugh.
Today I have to complete a statistics assignment that I know will take me about six hours. I also have to go to the grocery and clean the bathrooms. It is a day off from the gym (thank god, my foot couldn't handle it!), so it seems this will be doable.
I am so greatful for the chance interactions such as that occurring last night that allow people to reach out and connect with those they have never met. These three quirky guys, who I hope I run into again but do not know for sure, really gave me hope that thinking, real people are all around me and that there are so many I can connect with in this world. Yay!

I have sweet ass purple hair.

I cut, dye and style myself. It only takes 6 minutes to do in the morning. Its totally unique and I love it. However I was informed today that I would need to "grow it out, comb it down and dye it back" before grad school interviews. I am torn... on the one hand I wanna say fuck you, why does that matter, I like who I am. On the other hand, I don't wanna miss out on the future I have worked so hard for because I refuse to play the game. Amazing.

ED Is A Most Intense Addiction

Today marks 4 months since I have indulged in the nose candy... honestly don't even really miss it, just miss how thin it kept me. To the left you will find a picture of me at my most coked out... probably February. And to think I didn't think anyone could tell... Sleeping at night has been nice though. So weird how I can handle one addiction and not another. I have used coke on and off since I was 14, and from December of last year to May of this year I used at least a little (and sometimes a shit ton) every day. I went to my parents house for a month to recover, quit cold turkey, and haven't done a line in the three months I've been back in my own apartment either. Also with cigarettes... I have smoked since 13, but have no problem limiting myself to one square a day. If for some reason I have more than one one day, I have none the next day with relatively little difficulty. Then there is the ED stuff... I have been struggling with that intensely and cannot seem to get the thoughts out of my mind even though the behavior is somewhat contained right now. The addictive thought patterns remain more than with any other drug I've used (booze, pot, cigarettes, coke, speed, LSD, shrooms, xtc, even crank a couple of times...), and I can't seem to shake them.

Balance

It has been five days since I last binged and two weeks since I last binged at my apartment. I make this distinction because I visited my parent's house last week, and the ED recovery was in disaster mode. For now, however, I feel very healthy.
I think that my ED goes in rhythm with my bipolar. I am not sure whether moods trigger binges or vice versa, but for now I feel more stable than I have in months and my bulimia is in much, much better shape. Also, I have been taking my thyroid hormone supplement and birth control pills routinely at the same time each day. With the help of a sleep councelor, I have even started to win the battle against insomnia ( a perpetual demon of manic depression). I have been taking time for myself daily and being sure to properly nurture friendships. I feel more whole than I have in over a year.
I am currently applying to graduate school with the hope of pursuing a PhD in neuroscience. I want to study neuroendocrinology and learn about why and how my hormone imbalance (thyroid deficiency), bipolar disorder, and sleep problems relate. I think these are very interconnected issues, and there is a small group of nationally renowned scientists that has started to investigate this issue.
I have a good balance right now between the different areas of my life. Although I will probably not be able to maintain my 4.0 this semester, I think I will be a much healthier, happier person for making time for other areas of my life, such as health, self-love and relationships.
Another revelation of the obvious: driving myself into the ground with my work is not the best way to live my life. I am so glad I am figuring this out at 20 rather than 50.
As for now, I am getting ready to go out for the night. I am still dating (a little) but not on the verge of anything serious. Although I often feel lonely and very much want a relationship, I am realizing that the love I need right now is actually from my family. I had a bit of a breakthrough with my psychologist the other day when he asked me why the bingeing is so bad at home. I realized I am not lonely because I am single. I am lonely because I do not articulate my need for nurturing well enough to my parents. I need to work on this
For now, the night is young, so am I, and there is fun to be had.

Binge

So I am trying to use this blog in my recovery, and I feel like reporting on my binges may be useful. Today I ate normally all day, went to class, did some homework, some creative writing, took a nap... I was getting ready to go to the gym when I realized the apartment was empty. I went to the pantry and had a single handful of my romm mate's granola. And then another. And another. Then I ate some of her chips, several spoonfuls of peanut butter, a slice of cheese, cereal, butter out of the tub with spoonfuls of brown sugar, grapes, honey, hummus, chocolate, crackers, Teddy grahams, sunflower seeds, a cookie, jelly, coke... I may have even forgotten some things. In my head I was keeping track and I think I ate about 1700 calories. Several times I stopped and left the room, but I kept going back to the kitchen. It lasted about an hour and a half. Afterwards I went downstairs to go to the gym, but apparently it closes at 7pm on Fridays. I also tried to make myself throw up, but I couldn't do it. I have tried a few times, but I have never been able to. Probably for the best. Then I showered and dressed. I am having a hard time feeling pretty. I look in the mirror and I actually look pretty good, but I have gained 30 pounds this year ( I am 5'8" and have gone from 117 to 147) and it hard to feel anything but fat with that kind of an increase. I texted some friends and made plans to go out, and then I called my Mom and told her about the binge (though I always avoid using the word) and cried for a while. I feel confused, frusterated, sad, angry. The bulimic recovery books say "fat" and "disgusting" are not feelings, but I think I feel them now.
I don't know what triggered me. I was in a good mood, I had been productive during the day, I wasn't overly hungry, I had had some interaction with other people, I had plans for the evening. Can't leave me alone for a second. I am trying to put it behind me and move on.

Creative Writing: Tuesday Part II

I just finished this piece and it is not entirely polished yet but I feel very good about it. This is the final third.

They have moved the coffee table out from in front of the couch and lain down a rough looking green Afghan. Amy and I sit close to one another on one end of the couch, my legs crossed and her with her knees tucked up to her chest. She takes my hand and I put my arm around her shoulder. Mark is sitting on the other end of the couch, legs spread with one arm over the back. Sarah hand Amy and I glasses scotch and gives Mark a beer.

Jason walks in and smiles at Amy and I. He walks up behind Sarah and reaches around to her protruding hip bones; she tilts her head to invite his kiss on her neck. I think about my own body and how my bones are once again hidden beneath flesh, and how soon Dylan's will not be. He breathes gently into her ear and slides his hands up to her small elegant breasts; she arches her back. He drops to his knees and turns her toward him, unbuckles her jeans, slides them down to the floor. He puts his mouth against the front of her orange underwear and exhales slowly; she puts her fingers through his black hair.

As Sarah and Mark undress one another I can feel Amy's legs moving against me a bit as she rocks her hips slightly back and forth. I lift the hand I have on her shoulder and trace the outside of her ear with my fingertip. She smiles slightly but does not alter her gaze. Jason is lying naked on the ground, one arm behind his head and one knee up. Sarah has her head between his legs, her hair falling over his thigh. He looks calm, like he might be watching fish swim in a tank. I sip my scotch. The sounds of Amy's breathing, Sarah's mouth and the ice in my glass are strangely euphonic, a welcome contrast to a drill on my teeth or dirt on a coffin.

The grave is probably fully covered now. I wonder what sounds might make it through six feet of ground: Maybe a car crash or a scream. Maybe thunder. I wonder what it would feel like to be buried and hear thunder and wait for the rain water to seep down to my skin. I would not see it coming; I would forget the storm and be lost in my mind. The front of my body would then suddenly feel cool as the water reached me, interrupting my thoughts. I think about the time Dylan and I were lying on his roof looking at stars and the rain started and neither of us moved at all. The rain drops looked like gravel falling toward my face.

Jason is seated upright, his legs forming a diamond. Sarah has her legs wrapped around his back. There bodies are pressed tightly against one another and Jason has his arms under Sarah's armpits and his hands on her shoulders. They move rhythmically and maintain perfect expressionless eye contact. Amy has dropped one hand to her lap. Mark is looking out the window. I feel trapped as I realize I am bound from speaking. Sarah drags her nails down Jason's back. In two places droplets of blood emerge.

Sarah arches her back and puts her hands down on the floor behind her. She moves her hips quickly and moans. She still has her socks on. Jason puts his hands on her bony hips and thrusts three or four final times. He pulls her back in close to him and they take a few slow breaths together. Amy's cheeks are tear-streaked. Mark finishes of his beer and wipes his mouth with his sleeve. Jason gets up and leaves the room and Sarah wraps the green Afghan around herself. Scotch, sex and crying: Hemmingway really is the best writer ever.

I hear glass clinking in the kitchen and I assume more drugs are on the way. I untangle myself from Amy and get off the couch. In the kitchen I find Jason, still naked, setting the table. There is water in a pot on the range and a box of spaghetti on the counter. "I'm always starving after sex," he says through his cigarette. I smile; I thought that only happened to me. Amy and Sarah wander in from the living room, Sarah back in her orange panties and tee. Mark stays on the couch, still staring out the window. I glance at him and know unequivocally that he will be the next to go.

As the four of us eat spaghetti and pass around a bottle of cheap merlot I feel exhilarated and lucky. The most raw and beautiful day of my life is leaving me feeling stripped. I will never be more alive than I am right now.

Just This Side of Wild

My shrink compared me yesterday to a thoroughbred race horse. He says with such a beast, you have to "keep it just this side of wild... tame it too much and it won't run as fast, but don't tame it enough you lose control." Keeping myself stable requires a very delicate balance to be maintained. Over the years, however, I have identified certain things that help with this.
1. Actually sleeping. He says to go ahead and take a sleep aid if I have not fellen asleep in 30 minutes.
2. Being social. I am much more vulnerable to bulimic behavior when I have spent alot of the day alone.
3. Eating healthfully. This means balanced meals that I eat when I want and don't plan ahead, obsess, record, etc.
Maintaining balance and control os achievable, but it requires some attention.

New Phase

I have fallen into a pattern with my eating disorder recovery. I do well for about 3 days, then I stop journaling, don't sleep enough, start restricting or get stressed out. Essentially, I stop taking care of myself. Over the last week I have not kept a food diary. At first I was doing very poorly- I was still planning my meals out, restricting and stressing about how much I had eaten. This of course lead to overeating and more guilt. Yesterday, however, I did not plan my meals out in advance. I simply ate what sounded good when I wanted it. As a result, I think I actually consumed about the amount my nutritionist recommended. Wow, another revelation of the obvious. I'm excited and surprised that following hunger cues is actually something I may be capable of.
I felt for a while as though I had platteaued in my recovery, but I think this may be the start of the next phase. I will stop keeping a food diary but continue journaling about my recovery.
I did not think I was capable of following my body's signals, but now I know I am.

The painting here is one I did over the summer. Writing, painting and sculpting are all creative outlets I enjoy, and now that I am a bit healthier I have actually found time and motivation to do these things recently. My life really is better without bulimia.

Love and Knowledge

What would the world be like if humans were asexual organisms? It seems like a huge proportion of our thoughts and energies are dedicated to pursuing, interacting and obsessing over members of our desired sex. If the energy put into romantic relationships over the millenia had been channelled into societal progress, I predict that environmental degredation would have already been addressed and reversed, colonization of farflung galaxies would be well underway, people would live to ages of hundreds of years, and we would live in enlightened, educated societies with social norms based on cooperation and respect. Or perhaps I am simplifying the problem too much. As much as I often argue this in reverse, I suppose it is the love and acceptance element of sex that many people are looking for, and that would still be in tact. It seems it is the nature of the human condition that love and knowledge will be perpetually at odds.

I am still young and fairly new at this, but after 5 years of dating that have included three serious relationships and dozens of less serious ones I have learned something about myself: I am smarter when I am single and without prospects. When I have a crush I am in pursuit, planning ways that I might "run into" the person and thinking about what I will need to do to get a date. When I am dating someone, I am obsessing about when they will call and where the relationship will go, and when I have an actual boyfriend I am far too worried about his well-being to take proper care of my own. I can think of two periods, once when I was 18 and once again just a few weeks ago, when I was completely single and without any prospects. I was suddenly very clear about what I wanted to do with my life, I had perspective, I took care of my health and emotional well-being and I pursued interests that were entirely my own. Now I am once again barely dating a crush and instead of finishing some of my creative writing endeavors or reading my Kundera I am stalking him on facebook and spending far too long deciding how to respond to very simple text messages. I am already less true to myself it seems. I do not have the motivation to study.
On the other hand, I am much happier. When my love life is nonexistent I am often bored, lonely, sad. My emotions are less stable and my general contentedness is diminished. It goes back to the two things I value: Love and knowledge. It almost seems that there is a set amount I can have of the two and the balance is continually shifting. Like how after a breakup I dive into work or how when I am in a new relationship I neglect my studies. The funny thing about that is that love, not knowledge, is the explanatory variable. I guess that shows what is of ultimate importance to me. Love comes first.