Thin Ice/ "I Know Physics"

So I just feel compelled to explain the top photo in my last post (my bro on that oh-so-thin ice)... My 18-yr-old brother and I are on a trail on some mountain. Steve decides he want to go "exploring" because he hears a creek and wants to find it. We go down a very scary steep icy hill and find this river, and see there is some sort of small island in the middle of it. Steve, in his infinite wisdom and supreme judgement, announces "I'm going to leap to the island". The water is so cold there are ice chunks floating down river, and the distance about 12 ft. Clearly not doable. I tell him this, to which he responds, "I jumped 19 feet in track last seaon, I'm a conference champion. Plus, I know physics, I'll make this." I remind him that the long jump involved a long running start on a paved straightaway, not a steep snowy bank from standstill. He says that's why he will only go about 12 feet, perfect. So, genius takes his leap, lands three feet short and gets his pants wet to his knees, scurrying the last few feet to the little land mass. Once there, he says he is going to get out on the other side because it is closer. Obviously this a bad idea because the path is not on the other side, and the river curves away from the path. But of course, anything I say is stupid, so he gets out on the other side anyway and starts walking upstream to find a place to cross. About a quarter mile up we encounter the place in the photo. there are only about 6 feet of river iced entirely across (the dark parts are just water), and he decided he should traverse the river on his belly. "I know physics, I'll spread out me weight." Famous last words. I'm freaking out at this point and urging him not to. I saw something on discovery channel once about how people trying such things fall in, get rushed down river under the ice, are never heard from again, blah blah blah. So he lowers himself onto the ice and starts inching across. About half way through he stops. "Kim, take my picture!" "No, get the hell outta there before the ice breaks!" "I'm not moving until you take my picture!" And he's serious. So I grudgingly and hurriedly take out the camera. Once the shot is snaped I reach a stick out to him and pull him across (he's lost the means to propel himself further) and by some miracle he gets out fine. Oh, little brothers.

I Love Hiking in the Mountains!!!

These are my vacation pics, and they are pretty dope. We saw all sorts of sweet mountains and forests that were damaged in the 1994 fires and waterfalls and such. We actually forgot the camera on the coolest hike- 12 miles along a river with some crazy rapids- but I think these make the point.

Yeah Gratitude

This trip has been INCREDIBLE. My whole crew (all six of us) have been getting along well and I have definitely been able to satisfy the I-miss-my-fam craving. I even managed to get through Thanksgiving (we did ours yesterday) without overeating- I didn't even think that was possible.

Over the course of the week I have done about 30 miles of hiking in the mountains. I am a total hippie and love being "in touch with nature", not to mention having a way more fun form of exercise than the eliptical at the gym. Being here has definitely fed my spirit.

But... I still can't wait to get back. I miss Jeremy intensely. I am a little nervous about seeing him- I have only known the man two months, and we haven't seen each other in two weeks... it was one of those fall-fast-and-hard things and I am totally nervous it will somehow be different or ruined. As I sit here thinking about him I am simultaneously feeling an intense love and a desperation that borders on nausea. Oh, Kim, you have let yourself get in over your head once more. But I honestly don't think I could have stopped it if I'd tried. Haha, silly girl, sitting here thinking, "maybe this time I won't get hurt."

In short, life is great. I definitely feel centered and ready to get back to my life. I hope everyone has a fantastic Thanksgiving!

__________________________________________________________

(Because it is Thanksgiving, after all)
Gratitude List:

1. My whole family is together, healthy and getting along. I can actually say I have good relationships with both my parents and all my siblings.

2. I am in love with a brilliant and loving man who loves me back. I am so excited to see where life will take us.

3. I have a truly incredible circle of close friends. I can be myself fully around these incredible people, and I know they will always love and accept me (as I will them).

4. I am finally out of the ED woods. I am maintaining good healthy eating and exercise habits, and I feel great because of it. I never knew life could be so full and free of anguish.

5. I love my body. I really do. It is strong and healthy and attractive. I am within the healthy weight range for my age and height (albeit the high end), and I look and feel vital.

6. There is purpose in my life. My ability in neuroscience is rare, and I can use it to help people live fuller lives. Problems like mood and personality disorders isolate people, and I want to figure out the basis of these problems and how to correct them, thereby offering people the means to break out of their lonely struggles and connect with and love others.

7. I am not looking forward to the next stage of my life. I am happy with the now.

Mostly, this list is saying that I am greatful for love. I am greatful to have love for myself, share love with so many others, and help people who lack love find it.

Ugh. Hangin' in there.

Ugh. I just went out to a big steak dinner with my family and I feel totally gross. I suppose it wouldn't qualify as a binge because it was not "significantly more than most people would eat in a similar situation" and also because I was not alone, but the tight-skinned bloated belly certainly feels binge-like. I have a plan for tomorrow and I am truly trying to treat myself well; I will keep my portions in check.
Being with the family 24/7, being on vacation, and it being Thanksgiving week, I would say this is an ultimate test of my ability to truly achieve a state of ED recovery. I am determined.

On the success side, I did manage to avoid all processed foods today- no Doritos, Oreos, or other junk traps my family keeps stocked. Even better, way out here I am in no danger of any drug use, and I'll probably only have a total of about one bottle of wine all week, so the staying clean thing is going well (by default).

I'm still really worried about J drinking. I don't want him to have to run from anything. I understand that the fact that he recognizes and wants to fix the problem is huge, and I know he will. My problem is trying not to get overly involved. Where do I draw the line? I know I shouldn't guilt or nag him or push him into anything he doesn't want to do, but can I express to him how it worries me? Can I tell him I can't see myself staying with a man long-term who doesn't have that under control? Because that is true. I just love him and want him to be OK, and I don't want our relationship to develop any unhealthy codependencies. I dunno, maybe I'm making this bigger than it is, I'm just worried.

Happy Thanksgiving all... ha. ha. ha.

The Meaning of Life in Five Sentences

I am a being as are all of you reading this, as far as we can assume. Within each of us is an animatory force, and whether or not these forces are connected, they share a certain universality: Each seeks to be loved, accepted and respected. With this drive we move through the world seeking love and connection. When we find it, intangible bridges form between seemingly sequestered sets of consciousness. This is the ultimate goal of our existence, to satisfy that need within ourselves by connecting and helping others to do so. Good is anything that promoted this, bad is anything that hinders.

This is my overly simplified operational definition of the meaning of our existence.

Getting Centered

Hello!

I am still going STRONG! I have not smoked any cigarettes, used any drugs and have only drank a few times (albeit slightly too much) all week. And best of all, I have not binged once in TWO FULL WEEKS!!!

Five Reasons I Am Finally Succeeding:

1. I am actually eating the 1800-2000 calorie diet my nutritionist has prescibed.
2. I am only exercising as my fitness councelor recommends.
3. I am actually taking time every day, at least and hour, to myself to journal, etc.
4. Jeremy. He is so supportive and loving and affirming.
5. My new psychologist. She is actually an ED specialist and helping me get to the root of my problem.

Right now I am on vacation with my family in a very secluded mountain town, getting away. I was really stressed about the trip because I often have extreme ED problems when I am at home. I am feeling pretty centered right now though, and considering it is the holiday season I am relatively relaxed. Getting away from my grandparents is great (sorry, their horrid), I think this may be one of my best Thanksgiving weeks in years. I am still not feeling 100% secure with my newfound freedom from ED symptoms, but I am really getting there.

I am so blessed to have my whole family here and together, and I am soo looking forward to sitting around here all week, hiking, writing, reading, and catching up with work and family. Definite centering time.

I miss Jeremy incredibly. I still haven't seen him, it's been a week and still a week to go. I am realizing how much I cheated myself in my last relationship, now that I am with someone who actually loves me. He calls, he misses me, he says such sweet things. The other day he was out when I called, and I was a bit emotional and I told him I loved and missed him. He said, "I'm melting, your so sweet. I love you too babe." It just felt so good. I picture the moment I get to fall back into his arms constantly.

Oh, and one last thing: Now that I have decided to stop dieting (one of those self-help books told me it was a form of oppression), I've lost 3 lbs in the last few weeks. Who knew?

:)

Loneliness and Connection

During my morning meditation I was thinking about lonliness, and how when I was in the depths of my ED or the throws of any other addiction I have dealt with these last few years, loneliness always seemed to be a factor. When I would really try and decipher what exactly I was trying to stiffle or run from lonliness would always come to mind. From there I began to ponder what might have changed.

First, I identified a few main reasons I (and probably a lot of people with low self-esteem and self-destructive tendencies) had felt so disconnected; how I had built walls instead of bridges, leaving me lonely even when surrounded by people:

1. I lied all the time.
I lied to hide my ED, to legitimize feelings I couldn't or didn't want to explain, to make people find me interesting or worthwhile because I couldn't imagine the real me would do that.
I have worked really hard to become more honest, but now that I am with J who is actually genuine almost all the time, I see how far I have to go. Already, though, I feel more connected and am beginning to see people will actually like me (which feels great).

2. I always pretended everything was perfect.
This made it so people had no chance to see where I was coming from, and didn't feel comfortable sharing themselves with me. Admitting my ED troubles has really helped me get past this.

3. I was critical of others and myself.
This makes people uncomfortable and unsure of how I might speak of them in their absence. Speaking highly of others has made me judge myself less harshly and made others more apt to be around me.

I am not sure whether these tendencies developed prior or in response to my ED and other escapisms, but I am sure that working on these things is helping me learn to love myself and live fully.

Update On Recovery!!!

Drug Abstinance/Alcohol Reduction Update:
So I have not had any cigarettes this week. That is good. I also went to a hippie show on Thursday and refrained from all drugs besides pot, which I consider a victory. I did drink last night, but I didn't use anything else (even though there was a lovely eight ball available to me). This all feels like I am making good progress on my toning-down-the-partying front. Also, seeing as it is Saturday night and I am in my apartment powering through grad school apps rather than at a bar powering through shots, I think I am doing quite well.

Eating Disorder Update:
Feeling pretty good. I have this little notebook I have been carrying with me, and on the top half I plan what I eat for the day and on the bottom I write what I actually eat. I also have two boxes to check off, one for a "recovery activity" (journaling, blogging, meditating, nature walk) and one for remembering to make the next day's plan. I have not been very good about remembering these things (maybe3-4 days I got to check my boxes). I have calories alotments for each day based on what my nutritionist has told me and on how much I work out, and this week I was slightly over but stayed pretty close.

But the big news?
I HAVE NOT BINGED FOR AN ENTIRE WEEK!!!

How, you ask?

Well...
1) One thing is that I have stuck to my exercise plan (60-75 minutes 4 days/week rather than my former near-daily 4 hour purge runs) and avoided dieting, so I have not been ultra-starving.
2) Also, I have been letting myself have the foods I want. Peanut butter? 1 slice of bread with that fabulous spread. Muffin from the coffee shop? I'll try banana nut. Amazingly, incorporating this stuff and knowing I can have it again when I want it makes me not crave it even when I am feeling stressed or lonely.

But mostly, I think it was my change in mind set that actually let the tried and true strategies work this time around.

But wait! It gets even better!!

I don't hate myself nor do I feel the utter hopelessness I have been plagued with much of the last year. Yes, I am stressed- it is the last week before fall break so classes are crazy and all my grad apps are due. Yes, I am lonely- J left this morning for a week long business trip and I leave town the day before he returns.
But self-loathing? Nah. I'm actually pretty proud of myself, and I feel like I can handle the world.

So I think this whole lightening up on the drugs thing combined with a positive mindset, full support system (family, friends, boyfriend, nutritionist, exercise councelor, psychiatrist, psychologist, heck I even have a sleep councelor), and a mountain of self-help books may actually be enough to kick this nasty little bugger.

THANK YOU SO MUCH TO ALL OF YOU HAVE OFFERED YOUR SUPPORT, IT HAS TRULY HELPED ME GET TO THIS POINT AND I OWE YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR HELPING ME GET ON THIS PATH TO RECOVERY!!!

Moving Forward

I feel AMAZING today. I had a revelation: losing weight won't change my life at all. Seriously. The only thing I could rack my brain to come up with is that my clothes would fit better. Nothing else would change. Weight is just weight and body size is just body size. It has no further ramifications. So, this is how I am and I am truthfully happy with it. I am ___ pounds and where a size ___. (I'm not ashamed of my numbers, I just have gleaned that blanking them is the kosher thing to do in the ED world.) This is me, and that is fine, great even. I am not trying to change my body. I am eating and exercising for health. For real, like I am not just saying that because I am supposed to or to keep my shrink happy.

Speaking of shrinks... I have an appointment with a new clinical psychologist next week. I also have an appointment with a psychiatrist who is going to evaluate whether any sort of medication would help me. I am going to treat this ED business like a war and I am going to launch a full fledged attack on all fronts- I am still seeing a nutritionist, a fitness councelor (who I had a great meeting with today), and have even had a couple of appointments with a sleep councelor. I am truly ready to let go of my ED and I want to move forward.

Cleaning Up My Act

So I am once again entirely impressed and excited for/with/about my J. The man has been through a lot this year, and since I met him he has still been drowning that sorrow with the bottle, and smoking like a mack truck. I usually wouldn't date someone who behaved this way, but he has always maintained composure (and had a fairly legit reason) so I decided I'd give him a little time.

Yesterday he texted me and said he wasn't up for the Tuesday night trivia/drinking game we usually play this at local martini bar, that he wanted to finally kick his lingering chest cold. I almost commented then that maybe he should just stop smoking pot for like six hours, but he saved me from my snide remark with a suggestion of Thai food instead (Yay!!).

Over dinner he told me he is cutting way back drinking, smoking and all other drugs entirely for a while. I of course told him I thought that was a great idea and I would support him 100%. Haha, for some reason he seemed surprised that I was all for this idea.

Drinking, smoking and hard drugs (which I thought only meant like heroin, but I guess the acid, coke and speed I so enjoy count too) have definitely been a road block in my ED recovery. When I party hard, I end up staying out all night and being overtired, feeling guilty about all the calories in booze, and feeling like I am being unhealthy. All of these things DEFINITELY precipitate binging. Repeatedly, my therapist has brought this up, and I have refused to really acknowledge it as a problem. However, I think having J decide it's time to clean up is exactly the kick in the pants I need.

I have a bio test tonight, after which I am going out, and there is a hippie concert Thursday that will likely be a shit show. I am calling these next couple of days my last hoorah for a while, and then I am going to seriously scale back. No smoking, no hard drugs (whatever that even means) and limited drinking (say 1-2 nights a week at 3 max drinks a piece as opposed to my usual 5-6 nights at 6+).

I am soo excited to get healthy with my man. He's from California, so he has a lot of the crazy health nut tendencies (obsession with soy products and herbal teas, all-organic bath goo...), and I am totally willing to get into that stuff with him.

Any suggestions on what sober people do to have fun in the winter? Sex and movies can only keep me going for soo long...

Wish me luck!!!

Lost my balance, but didn't slip

Well...

I am going home tomorrow, and I get to se J which is exciting. For some reason today I had a mad jealous wave and got all emotional this morning... rediculously unlike me. I didn't call him and be "that girlfriend" or anything, but I am glad this little separation is coming to a close.

I feel like when I don't binge for a little bit, really odd emotions start to surface. Like just spontaneous fits of euphoria or sudden uncontrollable bawling, and also weird reactions to things (i.e. jealousy after seeing how many posts he had on his Facebook wall... lame, Kim. High school ended.)

I went to the gym to try and level out, but when I got home I was still feeling pretty odd. Like anxious and upset, a bit lonely. I ate my lunch in a binge-like manner, but wouldn't call it a true binge for two reasons: 1) the total amount was large, but not in binge proportions, and 2) although I was eating from containers in front of the pantry/fridge, I wasn't eating with the desperation of a binge and didn't finish entire containers of anything.

This was a near slip-up, but now I am going to do some journaling, have a shower and put myself together, and eat a nice healthy salad for dinner later.

And definitely put on my Simon & Garfinkel.

Wish me luck!

xKimX

Feelin' Groovy

SOO...

It's Friday (as in the day after what is usually shit-tastic Thursday) and I am miraculously doing GREAT! Perhaps it's the forced week of being sober/clean, maybe it's the fact that I'm actually sleeping (seriously like 9p to 8a), maybe I just needed to be home and get some love from my crew (3 sibs, 3 dogs). Whatever it is, I am Mmm Mmm LOVIN' it.

I've also discovered a miraculously simple trick: I pretty much lose all binge craving when I play Steely Dan or Simon & Garfunkel. Who knew? So those bad boys have been keeping me hardcore company while I fill out my *11* grad school applications and try and keep up with my college work while the kids are at school.

After a slow start, not a bad week.

Oh, and weird: I'm strangely not missing J. I haven't known him that long (5 weeks?), but after my tormenting long distance relationship of last year I was expecting some serious emptiness. Not sure what to make of it... I'm entirely enamoured with the man, but not agonizing. Cool, I guess.

Maybe I'm just less dependent then I used to be? That sounds good, I'll go with it.

Keeping It Together

So I have been at my parents house since Saturday, but let me remind you, my parents are out of town and the wee ones (well, they're 12 and 16) are in school and play practice until 6 each day. That leaves me alone in a house full of food for about 10 hrs. Sunday, when everyone was home, went well. Monday and Tuesday I binged badly and was incredibly depressed. Wednesday I binged in the morning and (EEK!) self-destructively decided to weigh myself. Then I had sort of a moment. I realized I couldn't go on like this, I had to be in control. I went to the gym and worked off what I had eaten (it took 3 hrs., so my T would call it a "purge") and felt much better. The rest of yesterday and all day today I have been feeling really together. I have not even wanted to binge really (because I am way too tired and sor to go work it off!), and I feel way saner than expected.
I am not sure if this would count as ED behavior, but whatever it is it feels TONS better than earlier this week (when I was throwing temper tantrums to my empty house and the dogs licked me because I sounded injured), and I'm going to roll with it for a while. If I continue to eat normally most of the time, I won't be compelled to overexercise too often, and it might just work out well.

In other news, I am missing J but not in the obsessive way I did with my ex... I want to think this is healthy? Hard to say, I don't think I have any previous experience with "healthy" relationships to compare it to. Oh, and I had lunch with a friend today, had a really fun time and didn't even eat super fast or finish my food once I was full. Victory!

Therapist=Creep

So, the story with the T...
I had been seeing Dr. R for about 8 months, and he had helped me through some stressful situations. The last three weeks or so, his behavior had seemed odd, but I worte it off to some sort of psych method. He had not spent nearly the usual amount of time on ED-related stuff, and had suggested that I stop seeing my new boyfriend because I "needed some time to focus on myself". I didn't think that was entirely illogical, except that since I have been with him my binge frequency has gone WAY down. Also, Dr. R had started asking me rather explicit details about my sexual history, which I felt rather uncomfortable sharing (Did you orgasm the first time you had intercourse? When did you start masturbating?), but once again I figured it might somehow be relevant (oh, naive little me).

SO, about a week and a half ago now, I am sitting in his office and I start talking about how I miss my family, but don't really want to go home. He stands up and walks behind the chair I am sitting in, and places his hands on my shoulders. "Perhaps what you really miss then, is just the love and affection they provide. Do you miss having someone to hug you when you need it?"

"Well, I am pretty close with my room mates, and I do have my boyfriend, but maybe I miss it like from my parents."

...starts massaging my shoulders...

"I think you miss having the approval of and physical connection with an older adult."

...hands move into my hair...


This is where I freak out. Why not sooner you ask? I couldn't tell you. I grab my coat and bag and I book, stat. I felt mega icky. So I went home, and I binged and I cried and then I called the horrid counceling center to make an appointment for a consultation so I could check out possible new FEMALE therapists.

Gah. Not making this whole "recovery" thing any easier.

Playin' Mom For The Week

So I am at my parent's house for the week watching some of the sibs while good old M and D party it up in Jamaica. My grandparents (think Everybody Loves Raymond) live right down the street and make life... interesting. My bro's 16 and appropriately depressed. My Mom's note said that he "can't play video games, watch TV, go out with friends or lock his door". Yikes. I'll totally enforce that... not. I'm afraid to ask what he did. My sister's 12 and pretty cool as they go. So far no major upsets. We've also got 3 dogs, an old lab and 2 little beagles. The puppies woke me up with a HUGE mess, the gory details of which I'll spare you, suffice it to say I am convinced I don't want my own pet.

Usually as soon as I hit the 'rents house, Ed goes out of control. This time though, not so far. I had a pretty weird strategy... I did some "preemptive" bingeing. See, usually when I first get here I am starving because I try and use the drive as a good long period not to eat. Then I am bombarded with deliciousness, and start bingeing and don't quit until I leave. Since I have to be here a whole WEEK, however, I knew that couldn't happen, I would go nuts. So, before I left and while I was packing, I freakin' stuffed myself. I still didn't really feel like eating when I got here, but I had a normal sized dinner and late night snack. I also was REALLY tired from Halloween the night before (I went as Sarah Palin, which I know is unorginal, but I've got the voice down and I must say I was hilarious), so I hit the sack mega early (8pm?).I woke up today and felt pretty good, I ate healthfully all day and worked out and bought healthy food, and I'm totally excited to use this week to be healthy and productive and rejuve before I go back to school to rock out the next couple weeks before Thanksgiving.

In other news, I am in the process of finding a new shrink cause my old one hit on me. Awesome. Details to come, I assure you.

Oh, and J is gonna come up state and visit me! Yay!

I Hate My Body

I hate the way I look. I hate how I spill over the tops of my pants. I hate how my stomach sticks out farther then my chest. I hate how I have let my gorgeous body become this bloated jiggling mess. I can't stop crying, my physical form is like this taunting leering reminder that I am not able to control myself and am sloppy and ugly. None of my clothes fit, I am officially ten pounds overweight, I have gained 35 pounds this year. I can tell J isn't that into by body because of the way he looks at me when we have sex. I feel like I am so inadequate, and since I keep getting fatter I feel like he'll think he was somehow conned. Like he started dating this decent looking girl and then she turned into this fat slob. I feel so desperate right now.