New Years Goals

Every year, since about 2002, I make myself a "life guide". It lists the current state and goals for each area of my life (relationships, education/career, health/body, etc.) in June and December I look through these to check my progress and note how I have changed. I just completed my 2009 guide update, and from it I have (as always) drawn this year's New Year's goals and resoltuions.

1. Maintain healthy eating and exercise habits and allow my body to settle at a natural, healthy weight.

2. Get into a neuroscience PhD program, hopefully somewhere in Chicago.

3. Become fully financially independent. Yes, this even means getting off the family car insurance and phone plan.

4. Stay in touch with friends and family as I move into the next phase of my life.

5. Prioritize and appreciate my relationship with Jeremy.

6. Become more environmentally friendly (open to ideas/suggestions for implementation of this!)

7. Make time to center myself and relax. Become stronger in myself and more in control of my moods.

8. Become more informed about current events (I just set my home page on my browser to a personalized Google news page!)

What are your resolutions? I LOVE to hear about how people prioritize their lives and go about improving themselves. Also, do you expect to be successful? I do.

AND for those who are interested, these 'life guides' also contain my life long goals, which actually haven't changed for several years now:

1. Have a happy healthy marriage.

2. Raise two children into well-adjusted, happy adults.

3. Stay satisfied with myself and happy with my current situation in each stage of life.

4. Get a PhD in neuroscience.

5. Discover something that will improve the quality of people's lives.

6. See the world.

7. Be free, be present, be appreciative, be aware.

8. Fill my life and the lives of others with love.

9. Leave the world somehow better then when I entered it.

Happy New Year!!!

xKimX

Back On Track

So yesterday I tried to get back on track, but I ended up overeating anyway at night. But the good things about that day were that I did my workout, that I found out I got all A's again this semester, that I got an interview for the job I want in the spring working nights teaching a GRE prep course, that I lined up my second graduate school interview (University of Chicago and UW Madison so far!), that I got to have a good hour-long talk with Jeremy on the phone and that despite the storms my aunt and uncle arrived here safely from Cali. So the point is, yesterday I did end up overeating (like 3000 cals!), but it was overall still a really good day and I can't suddenly become obese overnight.
Today I DID manage to stick to my healthy eating plan, likely because I didn't let yesterday's disappointment get me down. I also made it to the gym again, did some work on my thesis, had another really great talk with Jeremy and got a bunch of errands done that I had been putting off. I am feeling way better! I am also feeling heartened that I will be able to go back to normal eating now that the holiday chaos has passed.

AND even though I have had some difficulty with my eating of late, I have still been doing AWESOMELY in terms of keeping clean. (FYI, my definition of 'clean' excludes booze and pot from the realm of drugs, it just means like no coke, meth, H, X and the like. I honestly would probablly still call myself clean after like acid or shrooms since they have zero abuse potential.) But yea, it has been over two months since Jeremy or I have done any of that shit, and I am proud of us.

And a little more on the relationship front... shit has definitely evolved. It has only been a short while (3 mos.) but I feel like this guy was freakin' hand-crafted for me. It's so rad, like I've never connected with another being like this outside of my madre. Oh ya, and big news- he's gonna move to Chicago (or wherever I end up) next year! He announced that that was his intent like a week ago and I was totally ecstatic/relieved because I didn't want to ask him to (resentment, etc.) but was totally wiggin' out about what would happen to us, so ya this like made my month. And I know I have to be realistic and a lot can happen and la la la, but hey for now I'm overjoyed.

That below is us after his company Christmas party wasted at a fav local spot, bwahaha. Hey, we didn't do anything shady, just ur usual Christmas cheer :)


Be healthy and love yourselves ladies and gents,

xKimX

Slightly later:

Gah. How come after I eat whatever the last thing I am supposed to eat is I suddenly start stressing out about the fact that I don't have more to eat. It's like when your coke runs out and you are really upset about it even before your high wears off from the last of it. Don't worry kiddos, I'll be strong, I have eaten the proper amount today and I know how good I feel when I stay on track. I can wait until tomorrow, I will be really strong for a couple more days, and then I will be all on top of my game 100% by New Years to start this 2009 biz-nass off right. But gah, I hate the feeling and I needed another little session of blog therapy to feel on top of it.

Sending strength to allll of you (and gettin' it back whether you know it or not!)

Peace, love, nighty night :P

Doing (not planning)

With the new year fast approaching, and me once again feeling the need to pull myself out of the holiday eating rut I have found myself in, I sat down last night to make a plan of action. I began making tables of times, foods and calories and lists of things I should try to avoid. After about 10 minutes of this pondering, I glanced over at the pile of old journals and food diaries I had left out on my desk. How often do I actually follow my eloquent eating plans for their duration? Rarely. When I do, how does it make me feel? Either disappointed for being imperfect, or helpless because I am still unhappy. That pile of notebooks is filled with unchecked boxes, lines still left blank and goals unmet. So I stopped. Recovery is about breaking away from this obsessive behavior. I don't need to predetermine every bite, what I need is to be in the right mindset. I have to spend plenty of time pen to paper, I have to take time to enjoy the people I love and I have to love the body I have right now, today. Success is in doing, not planning.

And so it goes :)

A History of My Eating Disorder

I'm at my parent's house for the holidays, and in my childhood bedroom I have been perusing my old journals, kept sporadically since about the age of ten. These journals hearten me because they show me that my core person has changed very little through the years. However, these journals also tell me that my eating disorder started much earlier then my diagnosis.

An entry from August 30, 1998 (age 10):

I started at a new school this week. I hate the clothes I have to wear, they show my flat chest and fat stomach and make me look like a dweeb.

April 2, 1999 (11th birthday):

I got new clothes today, but they don't look I want them to. I have a pretty face and I play sports, so why am I still ugly in cute clothes? I think I'm going to stuff my bra. I also stole my Mom's diet pills from Jenny Craig and I'm gonna do an ab workout every day and whiten my teeth. By summer I should be pretty.

June 5, 2001 (age 13, 134lbs):

My Mom is taking us on a month long road trip, a.k.a. a minivan prison will be my summer. This should be a good time for me to lose weight. I stole some Ephedra from Wallgreens, and I am going to try to eat as little as possible this trip. It's 4pm and I've had a Chewy granola bar and a fruit cup. I'll get a salad at dinner.

July 4, 2001 (age 13, 121 lbs.):

I have done awesome this trip, and seen some cool shit. I swim every day at hotel ppols and always order salad at dinner and try not to eat during the day unless my Mom is watching. This Ephedra biz-nass rocks my socks, I look fuckin' hot.

December 24, 2003 (age 15, 145 lbs.):

I seriously need to lose ten pounds. Andrew still wants to fuck me and tells me how hot I am and such, but whatever, it's not the same. Guys that wanna throw it in me say that shit cuz they gotta be nice to get what they want. I know that I looked way better thinner. Though I do like these tits that have sprung up. Maybe they'll stay.

March 12, 2004 (age 15, 135 lbs.):

I am going to Cali for spring break with my cousins! I look pretty good, I must say- been really careful. I've learned Tums make me feel less hungry when I'm really hungry. Today at soccer I told my co-captain I was excited because pre-season made me lose 5 lbs. My coach said, "turn around, you'll find it!". Douche.

January 21, 2006 (age 17, 157lbs.):

Oh my God, I am such a lard ass. Freshman 15? Try 25. I am going to take care of this, I can beat this. Diet Coke, gum, Hydroxycut.

January 29, 2006 (age 17, 149 lbs.):

Go me!!! This is mostly water, but I have still done AWESOME. I have worked out 90 minutes every day, and only eaten 400-700 calories. I am amazing, anyone who can't lose weight is a weak idot.

August 8, 2007 (age 19, 130 lbs.):

Dave is moving to Madison. I will hardly see him, he still hasn't said he loves me. I know it is easy to love thin women. I do, they are the ones I am most attracted to. So fragile. If I am thin enough he will love me.

December 13, 2007 (age 19, 107 lbs.):

I look myself in the eye and can't even find a person to stare back at me out of the hollows of that pedestalled designer body. Dave says if I lose 5 more pounds I'll be the same as Keira Knightley. Why not go for 8 and hit the single digits? My Dad thinks I have cancer or diabetes or something.

February 14, 2008 (age 19, 115 lbs.):

I just ate 6 cookies, 2 slices of bread with jelly, 4 bowls of cereal, a garlic roll left from last night and some jelly beans. My Dad told me I needed to gain at least five pounds to be healthy, and at first it was great to be able to eat a lot and not feel bad about it. Now I can't stop. I have to go run. (Later) I ran 17 miles, so I should probably be even for today. My knees kill.

April 12, 2008 (age 20, 121 lbs.):

Dave and I broke up. I was prego. That shit didn't last in this fucked up coked out half starved little body of mine. Hahaha. I can't stop crying. Or eating. Not sobbing, just a perpetual tear stream. I'm gonna go run.

June 25, 2008 (age 20, 135 lbs.):

Loss of control over eating. Check. Continual intense guilt about food. Check. Compensation habits. Check. I think I have an eating disorder. I feel so lost and desperate. HELP ME!!! What the fuck? How do I get out of this? I'm so fat and gross. I'm eating M&M's as I write this. I hate myself and I hate being here alone and crying all the fucking time. I just want to be loved and like myself. I'm so fucking lame.

December 24, 2008 (age 20, 149 lbs.):

I have really not been following my eating plan the last week or so. I know it is the Holidays and I am trying not to stress about it. I am going to be as moderate as possible, enjoy myself, and return to my treatment team's plan 100% post-holiday. In 2009 I will let be healthy and let me body find it's healthy natural weight.

These are of course only the ED bits of things, but the point is made- this pfucker has been around half my life. Diet pills at 11? For serious? This chica is loca in the cabeza. Well, at least I think my time with ED is finally closing.

xKimX

Speed Bump

I think I just binged. I say I think because I don't intend to purge. But yea, it happened. I am leaving in 30 minutes to go upstate with J to meet my parents. I have not been sleeping properly, I have been neglecting the journaling and meditating that keeps me sane. I have been stressed over finals and Christmas. I am so pissed at myself. I was getting ready to leave my apartment, cleaning and packin and what not. Then I started to eat some of the foods that would go bad while I was away- healthy stuff. Green beans, grape fruit, yogurt, carrots, pear. Then slightly less healthy stuff. Tortillas and beans, dried fruit, nuts. Then bad stuff. Chips, cookies. I have eaten about 1700 calories today, which would mean that I am only supposed to eat 300 more. I worked out this morning, which helps, and I put on an outfit that makes me feels slim even though I still feel a bit fat. My Mom is cooking dinner tonight, and I know I can't restrict or over eat. It has to be just right. I will aim for about 500 calories- 200 from protein, 150 from carb, 150 from fruit and veggies. That will only put me slightly over, and it is still a long time until I have to eat (about 5 or 6 hours). I am trying to remain calm and not freak out about this. My N says everyone overeats sometimes, even stress eating is normal. The difference between ED and normal is continuing to stress about it. So I am going to put it behind me and eat a normal, healthy dinner. And I am going to go back to sleeping regularly and journaling or blogging every day. I can do this. This is not a road block, it is a speed bump that I need to just drive right on past. Wish me luck.

MANIAC!

So after successfully warding off that bout of depression earlier this week, something very unexpected happened. The joyful, energized state I had been living in the previous week completely snowballed. As I sit here, sober and alone, I am enjoying drug-like euphoria, a sense of divine control and pulsating energy (despite having not slept since Wednesday). Although the last three days have been tremendously fun and productive (constant sex and hard partying all the while acing my final exams), I know that mania has the potential to turn ugly. For example, at the age of 15 I once, in a state of manic zeal to explore, rode my bicycle to a city 100 miles away with no money and no plan. I didn't sleep, eat or change my clothes for three days, nor did I contact anyone at home. It all worked out fine, but only because I am a lucky fuck. Point is, extreme mania is not desirable.

When I managed to avoid falling into that funk, I gave some thought to the possibility of using my bipolar disorder to my advantage. I could keep myself in a just-above-level state most of the time, and then shift into manic-mode during really hectic times. I could truly be in control. In order to do that, however, I will need to learn to manage the highs as well as the lows. I have put a lot of effort into identifying strategies to snap myself out of depression, but I have devoted very little energy to figuring out how to center myself from a state of mania (likely because it can be so much fun). Given the aforementioned symptoms, tonight seems a prime time to start testing some centering tactics. On the list for this evening:

1. Journal writing. Always sobering.
2. A guided meditation CD. I like the Open Focus series.
3. Play Kitaro. It's fabulous Japanese instrumentals that totally connect me.
4. Insence. I have a set of Feng Shui scents, and water is the calming element.
5. Sleep. If I can't actually fall asleep, I'll do what as my Mom intructed when I experienced insomnia as a child: "Just lie in bed with your eyes closed until morming." Usually, eventually, sleep comes.

Numbers 3 and 4 are already in progress, and I actually am already feeling the anxiousness ebb. Perhaps I am one step closer to becoming master of my mind.

xKimX

Tuesday Part 2

As per a request, this is the second half of a story I put up on my August 31 post. The people and events in this little saga are all real, and together the comprise the single oddest day of my life. It occurred on August 18 of this year. For my most recent normal Kim's life post, see December 10.

They have moved the coffee table out from in front of the couch and lain down a rough looking green Afghan. Amy and I sit close to one another on one end of the couch, my legs crossed and her with her knees tucked up to her chest. She takes my hand and I put my arm around her shoulder. Mark is sitting on the other end of the couch, legs spread with one arm over the back. Sarah hand Amy and I glasses scotch and gives Mark a beer.
Jason walks in and smiles at Amy and I. He walks up behind Sarah and reaches around to her protruding hip bones; she tilts her head to invite his kiss on her neck. I think about my own body and how my bones are once again hidden beneath flesh, and how soon Dylan's will not be. He breathes gently into her ear and slides his hands up to her small elegant breasts; she arches her back. He drops to his knees and turns her toward him, unbuckles her jeans, slides them down to the floor. He puts his mouth against the front of her orange underwear and exhales slowly; she puts her fingers through his black hair.
As Sarah and Mark undress one another I can feel Amy's legs moving against me a bit as she rocks her hips slightly back and forth. I lift the hand I have on her shoulder and trace the outside of her ear with my fingertip. She smiles slightly but does not alter her gaze. Jason is lying naked on the ground, one arm behind his head and one knee up. Sarah has her head between his legs, her hair falling over his thigh. He looks calm, like he might be watching fish swim in a tank. I sip my scotch. The sounds of Amy's breathing, Sarah's mouth and the ice in my glass are strangely euphonic, a welcome contrast to a drill on my teeth or dirt on a coffin.
The grave is probably fully covered now. I wonder what sounds might make it through six feet of ground: Maybe a car crash or a scream. Maybe thunder. I wonder what it would feel like to be buried and hear thunder and wait for the rain water to seep down to my skin. I would not see it coming; I would forget the storm and be lost in my mind. The front of my body would then suddenly feel cool as the water reached me, interrupting my thoughts. I think about the time Dylan and I were lying on his roof looking at stars and the rain started and neither of us moved at all. The rain drops looked like gravel falling toward my face.
Jason is seated upright, his legs forming a diamond. Sarah has her legs wrapped around his back. There bodies are pressed tightly against one another and Jason has his arms under Sarah's armpits and his hands on her shoulders. They move rhythmically and maintain perfect expressionless eye contact. Amy has dropped one hand to her lap. Mark is looking out the window. I feel trapped as I realize I am bound from speaking. Sarah drags her nails down Jason's back. In two places droplets of blood emerge.
Sarah arches her back and puts her hands down on the floor behind her. She moves her hips quickly and moans. She still has her socks on. Jason puts his hands on her bony hips and thrusts three or four final times. He pulls her back in close to him and they take a few slow breaths together. Amy's cheeks are tear-streaked. Mark finishes of his beer and wipes his mouth with his sleeve. Jason gets up and leaves the room and Sarah wraps the green Afghan around herself. Scotch, sex and crying: Hemmingway really is the best writer ever.
I hear glass clinking in the kitchen and I assume more drugs are on the way. I untangle myself from Amy and get off the couch. In the kitchen I find Jason, still naked, setting the table. There is water in a pot on the range and a box of spaghetti on the counter. "I'm always starving after sex," he says through his cigarette. I smile; I thought that only happened to me. Amy and Sarah wander in from the living room, Sarah back in her orange panties and tee. Mark stays on the couch, still staring out the window. I glance at him and know unequivocally that he will be the next to go.
As the four of us eat spaghetti and pass around a bottle of cheap merlot I feel exhilarated and lucky. The most raw and beautiful day of my life is leaving me feeling stripped. I will never be more alive than I am right now.

Fighting Bipolar, Cravings and the "Fat feeling"... and Actually Winning

A funny thing about bipolar disorder is that after a while you can predict the highs and lows, almost feel a raise or a drop coming a day or so in advance. Over time you learn to expect this, to the point that highs are difficult to enjoy due to knowledge of an impending period of depression.
Tuesday I woke up and I had that ominous feeling. My usually racing mind was sluggish, my motivation was caput, I felt "fat" for the first time in quite a while, I was stressed out about my less-that-trying day and nothing that usually cheers me sounded fun. Dr. A has been trying to convince me that I do not have to succumb to these feelings and mood changes, that I can be "proactive" and reverse them- but of course this is easier said than done. It's hard to make yourself follow a list of pick-me-ups when simply dressing seems daunting.
Luckily, I didn't have to be anywhere until 2pm, leaving me 6 hrs. to work out and get dressed. Given the state I was in, that was about the right amount of time. Before I even got to the gym, the little ED behaviors were sneaking up:
(1) I started picking at leftovers and food that was still in the package,
(2) At lunch I went back for another cookie- twice.
And (3) I actually chewed this gooey dessert bar thing and spit it out. At this point I told myself, Kim you are recovered; you do not need this anymore. You are strong and you can not slip.

I was determined. I did everything I could think of to snap out of it:

1. Go to the gym, do strength, cardio and streching. Appreciate my body in motion and enjoy the chemical rush.
2. Shower, dress and really put myself together. Find things I like about the way I look, and walk confidently (even if I don't feel it).
3. Hit the tanning salon- nothing like a little UV therapy to fight the winter blues.
4. Listen to happy music. I was rocking me some Sheryl Crow on my iPod at the lab, and yeah I got some looks as I loudly sang "I wanna soak up the sun", but hey, it felt great.
5. Write about it! Open up my journal, put that nice Uniball to the course paper and let it spill. I also wrote emotion lists and gratitude lists.
6. Ensure I wouldn't be alone (i.e. have opportunities to binge) in the evening. Luckily, Jeremy took care of this by inviting me out for the night and pick me up straight from work.

So by the time I was locking up the lab around 7, I was feeling pretty good. Jeremy took me to see an indie flick at the local art theater with some friends. (This theater serves tea and baked goods instead of soda and popcorn- I had Chamomille and a bite of Jeremy's brownie.) Afterwards a few of us went out for a beer to talk about the film. It was a great conversation, and Jeremy and I both managed to stick to one beer a piece. At this point I was feeling like myself again, really "in it". Jeremy and I went back to his place, watched the Colbert Report, and ended up talking until 4am. I felt so fortunate and connected, all the more so because I know how horribly this day could have ended.

Today I once again feel amazing. I managed to ward off a bout of depression, avoid a probable ED relapse, and practice moderation in a bar. Two months ago I would have said none of these things were possible, but believe you me it is well within reach. I feel in control and enjoy each passing breath.

Wishing you all health and happiness,
xKimX

Life Without an Eating Disorder Rocks!

Today marks one month of me being BINGE FREE!!!

As such, I will dedicate this post to:
THE TOP 5 REASONS LIFE WITHOUT BULIMIA ROCKS!!

1. I love myself. I am proud of my accomplishments, respect the person I am and fully embrace my present self. Hell, I even like the way I look naked :)


2. I have time to really pay attention to all the relationships in my life. When I was in ED mode, I never felt I had enough time for my friends and family, let alone the ability to maintain a great relationship. Now I feel so surrounded by love, it's incredible.



3. I'm happy. I am less stressed, more appreciative, more connected and generally feel lucky to be meandering this Earth (as opposed to resentful about having to do so).


4. I am more successful. Without ED I am much more competent in the lab and less tressed, and my colleagues have noticed. My lab director told me the other day how far I had come recently. I am calm, focused and crazy about my work. Yeeaahh neuroscience research, bring it on Grad School!


5. I have time to figure out what my interests are and enjoy them. I read, blog, paint, sculpt... all these parts of me that ED occluded have re-emerged. The other day I bought 30 feet of butcher paper (a little impulsive) and today I played with it:

Haha, no Kandinsky but I had fun.

The point is, recovery rocks. And I want to thank everyone who helped get me to this point because the little blog community serious helped. To those still struggling: There is hope! You can do it! Please know there is another side, with so much life and love to be had!

So much love,
xKimX

Vino Veritas

Today I was given two tickets for an "accident" that didn't involve any collision. I signaled to switch lanes, he swerved into a curb, and at the next stop light he pounded on my wondow. I pulled over but wouldn't give him my info without the police present. Long story short, although officer frinedly seemed sympathetic to my crying ass, I was ticketed for not having an insurance card on me and "improper lane usage". I could have fled the scene. I could have claimed I knew nothing about the incident. So many ways I could have weaseled out, but I felt all obligated and such. But I still think I can take care of it in court. I was supposed to lose my liscence this year but a little convo with the state's attorney saved me. Now I have this strange naive sense of invincibility. We'll see how it plays out.
With me in the car was my ED buddy, A. She is still in the depths of her struggle, and I think I am the only person she really shares it with fully. Maybe her boyfriend also. Anyway, she kept me pretty calm (aside from one short bout of hysterics), and I am glad she was there with me. We used to hate each other and we share an ex boyfriend- ED makes strange bedfellows I suppose- but now we're pretty tight.
After the incident I went to the grocery. I made dinner for J, myself, my room mate and my best friend (a guy I've known since 7th grade). It was a great time, and the best part was xero food anxiety.
After dinner, I told J I'd bought some vino and games and such and some friends and I planned to make an evening of it. He told me his brother wanted to jam this eve. I said, that fine, I am disappointed, but I didn't ask in advance, go ahead and have some fun. He then said he would call me at 11 or 12. At 1 he still hadn't. This is the first time he has ever not done what he said he was going to do, and I was hurt. Escpecially after I cooked him dinner. I called him and he asked what was going on. I told him my friends and I were finishing up. I hoped he would say he wanted to meet up with me, but I didn't ask. He said he would be at his brothers until late. I said, shortly, that's fine, bye.
But now I feel like crap. I have felt like this with other guys before, but it is the first time with J. I just feel lonely, and I know it is wine-powered and chemical and shallow, but I really wish he were here with me. I just pictured my evening ending snuggled up with him. I know I'm obsessing and being emotional, but I think not irrational. I suppose I'll sleep on it. Update to follow, I assure you.
I will say I am glad I get to see Dr. A Monday. A week does seem a long while to wait.
One cool thing- although I feel lonely and upset, the temptation to binge is minimal. A month ago at this point, upset with the boy, alone and a bottle of wine in, I'd most likely be a quart of ice cream and half a cereal box further into the ground. But I don't want that. I'm actually not feeling self-masochistic: I know that would make me feel worse, so I don't want to do it. This recovery thing is great- I am unhappy, but I am not compelled to test how unhappy I could possibly be. A distinct improvement.
Enough drunken ramble from your truly.
Buenos Noches,

xKimX

Update on the new T

My new T, we'll call her Dr. A, is working out pretty well. I was slightly put off at first- I was in there literally 4 minutes when she asked,

So have you been diagnosed as bipolar before?
Grr. Yes. That is not what I was here to talk about, but apparently it is going to be.

Been on any meds for that? There is not an iceberg's chance in hell that I'll fill any scrip you give me unless I intend to crush it and suck it up nose.

But, after that was cleared up, it was pretty smooth sailing. She doesn't ask too many questions, she just sort of lets me go off and then gives me her take on it. I prefer a therapist with a more active approach, but I'll give this ago because she seems relatively bright and insightful. She also said

You would probably benefit from coming in more than once a week.
So I made the she's-that-crazy list.

Unfortunately, I can't disagree with her. Mostly I'm only as together as I am right now because I see her, my nutritionist and my exercise councelor every freakin' week, so why not up it? What I need to remember is that, at least for now, this is what it takes for me to be healthy. I'll probably be able to wean a bit eventually, but I am in a good place right now because of these people. Come on Kim, stick with it. Gah.

Sobriety, conversation and nudity... story of my life?

I'm back to my regular life, and I'm actually really enjoying it. Last night Jeremy came over and I cooked dinner and then we just hung out and talked (mostly ;) all eve- without any alcohol or drugs. Whoa, cool. I was actually worried at the start of our relationship that if we didn't get super fucked up we wouldn't be interested in having these long conversations with each other, so although it seems small, these little things really make the whole cleaning up my act thing see much more worth while.

Kundera, one of my favorite authors, says in his lesser-known work "Identity" that love can't survive a loss of conversation. I was thinking about this a lot- and I think I agree. The surest way to bridge the gap between one consciousness and another is through the interchange of thoughts via conversation. Even meaningless, idle chatter keeps that bridge in tact so that when something of substance needs to be said the space it must traverse is small.

Quick ED update: I am still eating regularly and nutritiously, no binges in over three weeks now. I am back to my regular exercise routine and that too is going well- I feel really refreshed after having been away from the gym (and outside hiking instead) for a week. I still have some intermitent body image issues, but for the most part I feel pretty secure and attractive. Using my body outside so much last week really helped- I'm trying to see my body not as something to look at but as something to be appreciated on many levels, and that definitely helped me along in that direction.

Oh, and a quick side note- I've been thinking for a while that I should get a professional photographer to do a nude photoshoot with me- keep it classy of course, probably no full exposure or anything- but the point is, I want to be able to say, this is me, ten pounds above my "ideal" weight and 40 pounds over my ED low... and I look FUCKIN' SEXY. Just a thought :P

Stay healthy and spread the love,
xKimX