So I am currently in the lab (yes, on Saturday). Last night was the end of our Monday-Thursday complete sobriety plan, and we selected Friday as an OK day to drink and what not. We went to a local tapas bar for a drink, and then went to the grocery to get food for a nice meal at home. We made pork chops with a grapefruit avocado relish- sounds weird but trust me it was awesome. Then we get a text. J's brother M wants us to come over to his place for some "cough, sledding". My adorable J says, "I think I'll tell him it's a little too cold out." After a sideways look from me, he gets the subtext. We decide, hey, today is our party day for the week and we haven't seen M and his fiance A in a long time. It turned out to be an AWESOME night. When we first get there A comes up to me and asks me to be her bridesmaid! I was SO excited, I really feel like I am becoming a part of their family :) I had great conversations with J, M and A, and overall the night was lovely. J and M are the musical sort and I was highly impressed by them throughout the night. M sounds completely like Brad Nowell when he sings. J and I stayed over and stayed up all night talking and... well we know what blow does :) Best part? No comedown. I am at work now, haven't slept a wink, and haven't had a toot in 9 hours- I feel tired but mostly very good. (a.k.a. I am not sitting here envying the rats I coke up in the lab). Maybe because my body has had it so easy all week. J and I are of course back no-nothing now, but I feel like once in a while is OK. Also, our mindset has changed- we had 6 grams plus unlimited booze, pot and cigarettes. Between us all we only finished 3 grams (M has grand ideas for some special at home wash for the rest), and I didn't do anything else. J had a few beers, but really kept it pretty under control. I am also completely thrilled because when I first was saying we ought to cut back, I said to J that 3 days a week was more than enough. Now he says we should only have one day a week to put weird shit in our bodies. So yea, I am excited for moderated fun.
While we were laying around and letting everything wear off, J and I got to talking about my body image issues and ED stuff, and how even though I am eating healthfully now I am still obsessing. He literally gave me an hour long pep talk about how great my body was and I felt so incredible and so loved. He talked about every part of my body and why he loved it, paying special attention to my stomach- touching it and telling me how it is a woman's "most under appreciated curve"- (and he really actually finds it sexy- he got hard on from touching my little soft tummy!)At the end of that talk I came to the realization that I really don't need to lose weight, even now. I honestly think I get hit on more now than I did when I was thin (likely because I am happy and it shows) and that I really am beautiful as is. My new goal is to be as healthy as possible. If that causes me to lose weight, great. If not, that's great too. I feel like I had a major breakthrough in body love. Fuck the numbers, I look incredible.
Wishing moderation and self-ppreciation to all of you!
xKimX
1.31.2009
1.28.2009
It's Hip to be Square
I have been back for three days from my trip and feel really fantastic. I have been really productive and healthy and J and I have been having an amazing time with one another. I have been sticking to my nutritionist's plan pretty well. It is as follows:
6 servings whole grain, 5 oz. protein, 3 servings dairy, 5 servings vegetables, 3 servings fruit, and lots and lots of water
1st meal- 300 cals.
2nd meal- 300 cals.
3rd meal- 500 cals.
4th meal- 700 cals.
Optional- 200 cals. any time/ any food
J and I have a few healthy cook books and a juicer that have been helping me a lot. When we get home in the evening, we pick something to cook, go get the stuff, and then make it together. Monday we made spinach linguine with broccoli and cherry tomato in a home-made peanut sauce. Tuesday we did a ginger-asparagus stir-fry with chicken, onion and red pepper and a side of couscous. Today we are probably going to eat leftovers and go to the book store. The last couple of nights we have also made carrot-orange-pineapple-mango juice and had some late night herbal tea. The cooking is primarily for me because going through the whole process helps me fight the ED dragon that tends to take hold at night. The juice and tea are mostly for J because he says they helps him avoid wanting to smoke or drink. We have both thus far successfully stuck to our "completely clean Monday-Thursday" plan. We also are still going to the gym together in the mornings on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. I've even managed to lose a pound this way (J lost 3 already, fucking men), which is a nice bonus. My nutritionist says that if I continue with this whole healthy-lifestyle thing I will probably drop 10-15 pounds and keep it off.
So, the whole square thing has been pretty awesome so far. Of course, it is only day three, but hey, I'm only going for a Monday-Thursday thing. We haven't really decided what goes on the weekends yet- I'll let you know.
Live well all,
xKimX
6 servings whole grain, 5 oz. protein, 3 servings dairy, 5 servings vegetables, 3 servings fruit, and lots and lots of water
1st meal- 300 cals.
2nd meal- 300 cals.
3rd meal- 500 cals.
4th meal- 700 cals.
Optional- 200 cals. any time/ any food
J and I have a few healthy cook books and a juicer that have been helping me a lot. When we get home in the evening, we pick something to cook, go get the stuff, and then make it together. Monday we made spinach linguine with broccoli and cherry tomato in a home-made peanut sauce. Tuesday we did a ginger-asparagus stir-fry with chicken, onion and red pepper and a side of couscous. Today we are probably going to eat leftovers and go to the book store. The last couple of nights we have also made carrot-orange-pineapple-mango juice and had some late night herbal tea. The cooking is primarily for me because going through the whole process helps me fight the ED dragon that tends to take hold at night. The juice and tea are mostly for J because he says they helps him avoid wanting to smoke or drink. We have both thus far successfully stuck to our "completely clean Monday-Thursday" plan. We also are still going to the gym together in the mornings on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. I've even managed to lose a pound this way (J lost 3 already, fucking men), which is a nice bonus. My nutritionist says that if I continue with this whole healthy-lifestyle thing I will probably drop 10-15 pounds and keep it off.
So, the whole square thing has been pretty awesome so far. Of course, it is only day three, but hey, I'm only going for a Monday-Thursday thing. We haven't really decided what goes on the weekends yet- I'll let you know.
Live well all,
xKimX
1.26.2009
Disco Biscuit trip recap
(I actually wrote this the 26, but somehow failed to post it...)
The Chicago show was ridiculous... It was at the Congress Theater where I used to go to shows in high school, but I encountered a very different place then I remembered. Somehow over the last few years the kids that frequent that venue have transformed from a crowd of happy hippies to a bunch of cranked out ass holes. On the up side, it makes me feel like my work studying meth could eventually do a lot of good. The show itself was rad and J and I still managed to have a killer time (once we had successfully contained the paranoia brought on by our doses) and really enjoy the experience. The final show last night we attended pretty sober and actually had as much fun as we did at any of the others, albeit in a different way.
J and I have talked a lot about this adventure and deconstructed our experience: The conclusions seem to be (1) We are really glad we did it, (2) We are getting to old for this shit, and (3) We really needn't use hard drugs much any longer and probably ought to minimize drinking. We have already been moving in that direction and this experience really solidified that notion.
On that note we have decided to really commit to continuing the healthy lifestyle we have started. We are already doing a good job working out together and sleeping more, and now we are going to work on continuing to cut back on drinking and drug use and cooking healthy foods together most nights. I know it sounds lame, but I am totally stoked. We also felt like we picked up some bad energies at the Chicago show, so we are going to see a shaman to align our shakras (hehe, how fun) and get massages.
And my eating... well I developed some bad habits (i.e. not eating frequently enough, making up for eating too much one day by eating less the next) and as such I gained some weight. My nutritionist and I have a plan, though, and I have set a weight loss goal. I have a target calorie breakdown for each day and am attempting to stick to it. We'll see how it goes...
The Chicago show was ridiculous... It was at the Congress Theater where I used to go to shows in high school, but I encountered a very different place then I remembered. Somehow over the last few years the kids that frequent that venue have transformed from a crowd of happy hippies to a bunch of cranked out ass holes. On the up side, it makes me feel like my work studying meth could eventually do a lot of good. The show itself was rad and J and I still managed to have a killer time (once we had successfully contained the paranoia brought on by our doses) and really enjoy the experience. The final show last night we attended pretty sober and actually had as much fun as we did at any of the others, albeit in a different way.
J and I have talked a lot about this adventure and deconstructed our experience: The conclusions seem to be (1) We are really glad we did it, (2) We are getting to old for this shit, and (3) We really needn't use hard drugs much any longer and probably ought to minimize drinking. We have already been moving in that direction and this experience really solidified that notion.
On that note we have decided to really commit to continuing the healthy lifestyle we have started. We are already doing a good job working out together and sleeping more, and now we are going to work on continuing to cut back on drinking and drug use and cooking healthy foods together most nights. I know it sounds lame, but I am totally stoked. We also felt like we picked up some bad energies at the Chicago show, so we are going to see a shaman to align our shakras (hehe, how fun) and get massages.
And my eating... well I developed some bad habits (i.e. not eating frequently enough, making up for eating too much one day by eating less the next) and as such I gained some weight. My nutritionist and I have a plan, though, and I have set a weight loss goal. I have a target calorie breakdown for each day and am attempting to stick to it. We'll see how it goes...
1.24.2009
Disco Biscuits Run, Day 3
Ok, a lightening quick update of my adventure:
Thursday night we left and made it to Madison where we stayed in a hostel and saw the Disco Biscuits play the majestic. The sunset on the drive up was rad, the crowd was surprisingly straight-laced and the show started strong but finished a little slow. I had an awesome time because I was happy to get out of town with my J! We got our picture taken by a guy who said he runs the website for the venue, so hopefully those will go up soon! The next morning we ate at the Sunroom Cafe which is an awesome little second-floor breakfast place I loved when I used to live in Madison for a short while. Friday we drove from Madison to Minneapolis, where I have never been before. What a rad city!!! They have this Skyway which is a walkway that goes between all the buildings on the second floor above the street so you never have to go outside in the cold. We stayed at a Marriott and got this rockin' corner room that was huge with a rad view, and we ate at Masa, which is this modern Mexican place, totally upscale, sweet Sangria that we overindulged in a bit. We saw the Biscuits play First Avenue, which was a pretty shady place. They did full searches at the door so J had to run back and put stuff in the hotel room and I waited there 'cause it was cold, which sketched me out. The set the band played was so AWESOME it should probably have been illegal. Seriously, download it, Disco Biscuits in Minneapolis last night. Today we drove to Chicago and we're at this little B&B in Wicker park. J's napping and I'm getting ready... 10 minutes until I get to trip and rock out!!! Wish me fun, better entry soon, I promise!
Sunset driving through Illinois:
About to drop and head to a show, here is a lightening-speed update.
Minneaplois:
Sweet Hotel Room:
Cool rock formation:
And, sweet ass b&B room:
Better entry later, I promise!!!
XKimX
Thursday night we left and made it to Madison where we stayed in a hostel and saw the Disco Biscuits play the majestic. The sunset on the drive up was rad, the crowd was surprisingly straight-laced and the show started strong but finished a little slow. I had an awesome time because I was happy to get out of town with my J! We got our picture taken by a guy who said he runs the website for the venue, so hopefully those will go up soon! The next morning we ate at the Sunroom Cafe which is an awesome little second-floor breakfast place I loved when I used to live in Madison for a short while. Friday we drove from Madison to Minneapolis, where I have never been before. What a rad city!!! They have this Skyway which is a walkway that goes between all the buildings on the second floor above the street so you never have to go outside in the cold. We stayed at a Marriott and got this rockin' corner room that was huge with a rad view, and we ate at Masa, which is this modern Mexican place, totally upscale, sweet Sangria that we overindulged in a bit. We saw the Biscuits play First Avenue, which was a pretty shady place. They did full searches at the door so J had to run back and put stuff in the hotel room and I waited there 'cause it was cold, which sketched me out. The set the band played was so AWESOME it should probably have been illegal. Seriously, download it, Disco Biscuits in Minneapolis last night. Today we drove to Chicago and we're at this little B&B in Wicker park. J's napping and I'm getting ready... 10 minutes until I get to trip and rock out!!! Wish me fun, better entry soon, I promise!
Sunset driving through Illinois:
About to drop and head to a show, here is a lightening-speed update.
Minneaplois:
Sweet Hotel Room:
Cool rock formation:
And, sweet ass b&B room:
Better entry later, I promise!!!
XKimX
1.22.2009
ED Recovery Anti-Progress
So I knew I gained a lot of weight over Christmas and I was afraid to see my nutritionist. I finally went yesterday, and it sucked giant hairy donkey balls. I gained 7 lbs. and realized I had successfully undone the good eating habits I had started to establish. I was back to eating infrequently, not picking the right foods, making up for extra calories, the whole sha-bang. I definitely spent most of that hour crying and hating my body and feeling immense frustration. With the help of my lovely nutritionist, however, I was able to come up with a plan of attack. I was even allowed to set a sensible weight loss goal. What I need to do mostly is keep healthy food on hand and eat it throughout the day. I haven't been grocery shopping lately (rather poor right now) and have been eating unhealthy foods infrequently. She convinced me I need to prioritize myself and my health. Today I am going shopping for nutritious food to keep in the car on the road trip and when I get back I am going shopping for real and stocking my fridge with healthy fair. Gah, it just really infuriates me to have made anti-progress. Just think where the human race would be if we didn't so love self-sabotage. (I know, I know, save that emo shit for MySpace, right?)
I also saw my shrink this week. I tried to divorce her and it didn't work. I feel like she is too passive to be of use. I gently explained this and said I had too much on my plate right now to try and deal with the whole therapy thing too. She said that probably meant I was really in need of therapy. I am supposed to think about it for a week and let her know at our appointment next week. I really don't want to- I feel like therapy was nice when I was lonely but that now with so many friends around and a great relationship I don't really need it. Well, I have many hours of driving over which to ponder this.
And, to complete the Tx-team check-in run, I also saw my exercise counselor. She was actually really happy with me (I have done awesome sticking to my program), but she suggested I switch my work outs up once in a while. Apparently, the same exercise becomes less effective with repetition. In her office I totally vetoed this idea. The thought of changing the only part of this I was still doing well on freaked me out. However, I have since given it some thought, and have decided maybe making 3 programs (instead of one) and switching monthly-ish might make sense and be manageable. I am going to dicsuss that with her at our next appointment.
I am staying strong, I want to keep fighting, I am determined to get better. I am not in control as I once was, but I am not willing to give in.
Remember, ED is conquerable.
xKimX
I also saw my shrink this week. I tried to divorce her and it didn't work. I feel like she is too passive to be of use. I gently explained this and said I had too much on my plate right now to try and deal with the whole therapy thing too. She said that probably meant I was really in need of therapy. I am supposed to think about it for a week and let her know at our appointment next week. I really don't want to- I feel like therapy was nice when I was lonely but that now with so many friends around and a great relationship I don't really need it. Well, I have many hours of driving over which to ponder this.
And, to complete the Tx-team check-in run, I also saw my exercise counselor. She was actually really happy with me (I have done awesome sticking to my program), but she suggested I switch my work outs up once in a while. Apparently, the same exercise becomes less effective with repetition. In her office I totally vetoed this idea. The thought of changing the only part of this I was still doing well on freaked me out. However, I have since given it some thought, and have decided maybe making 3 programs (instead of one) and switching monthly-ish might make sense and be manageable. I am going to dicsuss that with her at our next appointment.
I am staying strong, I want to keep fighting, I am determined to get better. I am not in control as I once was, but I am not willing to give in.
Remember, ED is conquerable.
xKimX
Disco Biscuits Concert Run, Day 1
Today at 3pm J and I are skippin' outta here so we can catch our first show of the run in Madison this eve! I am currently packing all of my favorite hippie concert-going items into a backpack and getting mega stoked about my adventure! Among my favorites:
My camo purse with a ribbon. I have had this since the seventh grade. The patch is one my uncle gave me (he works at Boeing) of a rocket, but I think it looks like a tampon.
My Ramones T-shirt. I found this at a thrift store about a year and a half ago. It has Korean writing on it and was only $2.
And, the single coolest posession I own, my dragon shoes. I got these about 6 years ago and I swear they have only gotten better with time.
I plan to blog as I go, so check in!
xKimX
My camo purse with a ribbon. I have had this since the seventh grade. The patch is one my uncle gave me (he works at Boeing) of a rocket, but I think it looks like a tampon.
My Ramones T-shirt. I found this at a thrift store about a year and a half ago. It has Korean writing on it and was only $2.
And, the single coolest posession I own, my dragon shoes. I got these about 6 years ago and I swear they have only gotten better with time.
I plan to blog as I go, so check in!
xKimX
1.19.2009
Emotions Deconstructed.
You ever feel overwhelmed and confused and just generally mentally fucked, but unsure why? Like, every day? Me too. This sometimes helps. This is an exercise I saw on another blog (Kyla) once that I often do on paper. It really helps me figure out where my head is at. All you do is spend a few minutes trying to connect with yourself and make a list all the things you are (or think you might be) feeling. Then you try and come up with the reasons you might feel them. Here goes:
Enthusiastic: I have lots of interviews coming up as well as fun concert excursions. I am getting really pumped about moving in with J this summer. I am ready to graduate college and move on the the next awesome phase of my life.
Excited: I get to go to killer concerts, travel to different cities, meet new people and use fun drugs this weekend.
Nervous: This weekend, I expect to be highly fucked up in unknown places with strangers.
Stress: I have to be writing my thesis, going to interviews, getting a ton of lab work done and keeping my grades up. I also am not going to work this semester, so I will be racking up some lovely debt.
Loved: J is incredibly supportive and never lets me forget how much he loves me. We are going to cook dinner together tonight and have a quiet evening at home. I was so lonely for so long, so this one really feels incredible.
Nostalgic: I just had lunch with my girlfriends and we were reminiscing about all of the times we've had in college and how it's coming to a close.
Accepted: I finally, for once in my life, have a group of fantastic girlfriends who I am open and close with.
Guilt: I have been neglecting my friends to some extent lately because I have wanted to spend so much time with J.
Apprehension: I really want to put everything into this life I am starting with J, but I am still worried about whether he will always be able to keep his drinking under control. He goes out a lot less, but when he does go out he gets fucked the hell up every time and it scares me. He and I have been talking about it and I want to have full faith he will continue to get better and better, but I am unsure.
Pretty: I had a follow-up interview for that GRE prep course I want to teach, and I am wearing my pretty blue eye-matching interview shirt.
Energetic: J and I got up early and went to the gym this morning. I had an awesome workout and feel great from it.
Worried: My Mom's mental illness has gotten really out of control lately. She may have to be institutionalized and I am really afraid of how that will affect my 13-year-old sister.
So, there you have it, the inner working of my head unveiled.
xKimX
Enthusiastic: I have lots of interviews coming up as well as fun concert excursions. I am getting really pumped about moving in with J this summer. I am ready to graduate college and move on the the next awesome phase of my life.
Excited: I get to go to killer concerts, travel to different cities, meet new people and use fun drugs this weekend.
Nervous: This weekend, I expect to be highly fucked up in unknown places with strangers.
Stress: I have to be writing my thesis, going to interviews, getting a ton of lab work done and keeping my grades up. I also am not going to work this semester, so I will be racking up some lovely debt.
Loved: J is incredibly supportive and never lets me forget how much he loves me. We are going to cook dinner together tonight and have a quiet evening at home. I was so lonely for so long, so this one really feels incredible.
Nostalgic: I just had lunch with my girlfriends and we were reminiscing about all of the times we've had in college and how it's coming to a close.
Accepted: I finally, for once in my life, have a group of fantastic girlfriends who I am open and close with.
Guilt: I have been neglecting my friends to some extent lately because I have wanted to spend so much time with J.
Apprehension: I really want to put everything into this life I am starting with J, but I am still worried about whether he will always be able to keep his drinking under control. He goes out a lot less, but when he does go out he gets fucked the hell up every time and it scares me. He and I have been talking about it and I want to have full faith he will continue to get better and better, but I am unsure.
Pretty: I had a follow-up interview for that GRE prep course I want to teach, and I am wearing my pretty blue eye-matching interview shirt.
Energetic: J and I got up early and went to the gym this morning. I had an awesome workout and feel great from it.
Worried: My Mom's mental illness has gotten really out of control lately. She may have to be institutionalized and I am really afraid of how that will affect my 13-year-old sister.
So, there you have it, the inner working of my head unveiled.
xKimX
1.15.2009
Connectivity
So some people have a real knack for creating fluid blog entries, riddled with subtle humor and connected throughout by a common thread that gives the reader a smile and a clear take home message. I am not one of those people.
First note:
So I definitely binge ate this morning and am planning on going to the gym soon. I am not going to go above and beyond my one hour workout I am supposed to do on Thursdays, but I am going to not eat again until dinner (when I have to because I am going out with the fam). I also will not eat any of the junk at the movies because I have had more than my fair share of crap food already today. Gah, 1300 calories before noon, I am such an idiot. I really liked calling myself "recovered", but I guess that I was just in remission or something. I will still feel ok today if I stick to this plan, and I can get back on track tomorrow. I'm really tempted to take a laxative and clear out. I think I probably will.
Second, entirely unrelated statement:
In the realm of Kim's no-longer-twisted lovelife, I had a pretty rad realization last night. I used to not be able to envision settling down with someone because I was afraid I would miss the chase, the jitters, the first kisses, the honeymoon phase where you adore one another's shit... But then I realized something: I am not giving up anything, I am moving on to something deeper. J and I have the chance to enjoy complete connection, a lifetime of shared experience and perfect comfort with and acceptance of one another. Finally, I have something real and the opportunity to explore and understand what all love can really mean. I don't feel like I'm losing anything; I feel utterly connected and I am gaining everything.
Final, again pathetically tangential, rambling:
My Mom is way off her rocker, and in a much different way than usual. She usually has three states: (1)Normal stepford wife interacting with the outside world. (2) Utterly depressed person lying face down naked on her bed sobbing. And (3) Manic crazy lady dissociated from her herself, joyriding without knowing where she's been. But what did I get this time? I got (4). And (4) is all new... complete apathy. She sits on the couch all day in sweats, laptop in lap. The house is a mess. She doesn't eat. Instead of speaking to me, she emails me from two cushions over (I kid not), as if turning her head to speak were too much effort. She spoke once this morning to say, "Huh. I had a dentist appointment an hour ago." And then turned back to her screen. We're dragging her to dinner and a movie tonight. We'll see how that goes. I just really hate it, like not knowing what I am going to get.
So, if I were a shrink, I could tie these together I suppose. Perhaps food is love. Perhaps when J is around the void is filled, and at home I often distinctly feel it's lack. But I am not a shrink. And I know my Mom loves me dearly, (I'm even her favorite), and just has some of her own issues to deal with.
And so it goes.
xKimX
First note:
So I definitely binge ate this morning and am planning on going to the gym soon. I am not going to go above and beyond my one hour workout I am supposed to do on Thursdays, but I am going to not eat again until dinner (when I have to because I am going out with the fam). I also will not eat any of the junk at the movies because I have had more than my fair share of crap food already today. Gah, 1300 calories before noon, I am such an idiot. I really liked calling myself "recovered", but I guess that I was just in remission or something. I will still feel ok today if I stick to this plan, and I can get back on track tomorrow. I'm really tempted to take a laxative and clear out. I think I probably will.
Second, entirely unrelated statement:
In the realm of Kim's no-longer-twisted lovelife, I had a pretty rad realization last night. I used to not be able to envision settling down with someone because I was afraid I would miss the chase, the jitters, the first kisses, the honeymoon phase where you adore one another's shit... But then I realized something: I am not giving up anything, I am moving on to something deeper. J and I have the chance to enjoy complete connection, a lifetime of shared experience and perfect comfort with and acceptance of one another. Finally, I have something real and the opportunity to explore and understand what all love can really mean. I don't feel like I'm losing anything; I feel utterly connected and I am gaining everything.
Final, again pathetically tangential, rambling:
My Mom is way off her rocker, and in a much different way than usual. She usually has three states: (1)Normal stepford wife interacting with the outside world. (2) Utterly depressed person lying face down naked on her bed sobbing. And (3) Manic crazy lady dissociated from her herself, joyriding without knowing where she's been. But what did I get this time? I got (4). And (4) is all new... complete apathy. She sits on the couch all day in sweats, laptop in lap. The house is a mess. She doesn't eat. Instead of speaking to me, she emails me from two cushions over (I kid not), as if turning her head to speak were too much effort. She spoke once this morning to say, "Huh. I had a dentist appointment an hour ago." And then turned back to her screen. We're dragging her to dinner and a movie tonight. We'll see how that goes. I just really hate it, like not knowing what I am going to get.
So, if I were a shrink, I could tie these together I suppose. Perhaps food is love. Perhaps when J is around the void is filled, and at home I often distinctly feel it's lack. But I am not a shrink. And I know my Mom loves me dearly, (I'm even her favorite), and just has some of her own issues to deal with.
And so it goes.
xKimX
1.14.2009
Apparently, I am no fun
So I actually had a really good session with the shrink today and opted out of telling her I didn't want to come anymore. She said that J and I work very well for each other, but that I am using him to fill a void. Which is true, I hate being alone... As always, she thinks it's a Mommy and Daddy thing- my Dad was never around growing up and my Mom has a mental illness so she was present yet absent. Thus, I feel the need to constantly surround myself with support and love because I had those thing inconsistently growing up and can't trust they will still be there without a physical presence to console me. That is also why I suck at life when I am single, apparently. The solution, I am told, is to fully explore and resolve the feelings I have (neediness, separation anxiety, etc.) and learn to deal with them when they arise when I am alone. I suppose I'll just keep seeing her the next couple of months until I move and see where this goes.
I met today with a favorite female neuroscience professor to talk about balancing the career I want and family life. Apparently, people in my field rarely take actual time off from there careers, but significant slowdowns (like 3 hrs. a day) are common. I like this idea a lot because the full-time Mom idea freaks me out- like I'd go nuts with zero adult contact. So, a slight alteration of my plan has already occurred. Apparently, having someone with really flexible work schedule and plans as a partner (i.e. someone like J) is ideal. Sweet.
I also met the grad student I work with in my lab to set up my schedule this semester (really light because I am also supposed to be thesis writing), and got some good news: My thesis research, which was turned down for publication in a national scientific journal, is now approved after some changes and extensions I made last semester! Yay, by the end of this summer I get to have published research!
In brief, we showed that blocking stress hormones in the body can prevent some of the brain changes cause by chronic meth use (crazy drug, haven't toughed it since I started this project). Now that the article is approved there is talk of moving to clinical trials in the next year. Of course I will be long gone off to grad school, but I'm still excited. Haha, at the end of that meeting this grad student I worked with told me she didn't think I'd had a day of fun in my whole life... I'd like to think I've got her fooled :P
I'm back at the parents house for a few days before I finally have to go back to class. I miss J, but I'm having a good time. We'll see if I can resist the ED demons while I'm here...
Peace Dudes
xKimX
I met today with a favorite female neuroscience professor to talk about balancing the career I want and family life. Apparently, people in my field rarely take actual time off from there careers, but significant slowdowns (like 3 hrs. a day) are common. I like this idea a lot because the full-time Mom idea freaks me out- like I'd go nuts with zero adult contact. So, a slight alteration of my plan has already occurred. Apparently, having someone with really flexible work schedule and plans as a partner (i.e. someone like J) is ideal. Sweet.
I also met the grad student I work with in my lab to set up my schedule this semester (really light because I am also supposed to be thesis writing), and got some good news: My thesis research, which was turned down for publication in a national scientific journal, is now approved after some changes and extensions I made last semester! Yay, by the end of this summer I get to have published research!
In brief, we showed that blocking stress hormones in the body can prevent some of the brain changes cause by chronic meth use (crazy drug, haven't toughed it since I started this project). Now that the article is approved there is talk of moving to clinical trials in the next year. Of course I will be long gone off to grad school, but I'm still excited. Haha, at the end of that meeting this grad student I worked with told me she didn't think I'd had a day of fun in my whole life... I'd like to think I've got her fooled :P
I'm back at the parents house for a few days before I finally have to go back to class. I miss J, but I'm having a good time. We'll see if I can resist the ED demons while I'm here...
Peace Dudes
xKimX
1.13.2009
Recovery Progress
So I have been blogging less lately. It seems like when life is going well my creative juices dry up and I have less to say, or at least less I deem sufficiently interesting. When I am struggling I swear I spend like four hours a day pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard or brush to canvas, you know what I mean), but when life goes well I feel like I have nothing worth reflecting on. Anyway, what has been happening...
An update on the love life: I'm in deep. Head over heels. It's awesome. And the best part is, beside the passion and the sex we actually click wonderfully intellectually and want the same things out of life. J has said he will go with me where ever I go to grad school. We have decided to move in together when I make this transition. I am completely excited. He says he think we ought to get engaged in the next year. If everything goes smoothely once we are living together, I'm all for it. Woohoo!
As or ED stuff... They were out of Fiber One at the grocery so I wound up buying a raisin bran type cereal. I have alot of trouble with sweet cereals, so this was a little scary. This morning I ate way too much... maybe 850 calories worth counting milk (and by maybe I mean I measured how much was left to determine how much I consumed, so yeah, pretty accurate...). I was pissed at myself. Of course. But unlike in the mega bad ED times, I didn't keep eating at that point. I went to the gym, ate veggies for luck, and am planning on a small late dinner. My mood is good, and I am feeling OK. So, there are still incidents, but not nearly as extreme. I still obsess and keep records, but without the intense emotional consequences.
I am planning to tell my shrink tomorrow that I intend to stop seeing her, She is too passive and I am too busy. I am still planning to see the D once a month or so, but I think that is all I still need from my Tx team (which I used to have appt.s with 3x/wk.). I also haven't used any drugs (except a little teeny weeny bit of pot and booze) in the last week r so. Go me!
So such is life dudes.
Live well.
xKimX
An update on the love life: I'm in deep. Head over heels. It's awesome. And the best part is, beside the passion and the sex we actually click wonderfully intellectually and want the same things out of life. J has said he will go with me where ever I go to grad school. We have decided to move in together when I make this transition. I am completely excited. He says he think we ought to get engaged in the next year. If everything goes smoothely once we are living together, I'm all for it. Woohoo!
As or ED stuff... They were out of Fiber One at the grocery so I wound up buying a raisin bran type cereal. I have alot of trouble with sweet cereals, so this was a little scary. This morning I ate way too much... maybe 850 calories worth counting milk (and by maybe I mean I measured how much was left to determine how much I consumed, so yeah, pretty accurate...). I was pissed at myself. Of course. But unlike in the mega bad ED times, I didn't keep eating at that point. I went to the gym, ate veggies for luck, and am planning on a small late dinner. My mood is good, and I am feeling OK. So, there are still incidents, but not nearly as extreme. I still obsess and keep records, but without the intense emotional consequences.
I am planning to tell my shrink tomorrow that I intend to stop seeing her, She is too passive and I am too busy. I am still planning to see the D once a month or so, but I think that is all I still need from my Tx team (which I used to have appt.s with 3x/wk.). I also haven't used any drugs (except a little teeny weeny bit of pot and booze) in the last week r so. Go me!
So such is life dudes.
Live well.
xKimX
1.08.2009
The Next 15 Years
So a comment on my last entry spurred me to predict how my life will look over the next fifteen years. Having it in writing, I will be able to compare (assuming I live that long) my ideal to whatever actually goes on:
This year: Move to Chicago with J, start graduate school at Northwestern.
Next year: J and I plan to get engaged if everything is still going well.
By 2012: Get married, again conditional, but I have a good feeling.
By 2014: Get my PhD in Neuroscience, take time off to start family.
By 2015: Buy first house.
By 2017: Have two kids.
By 2022: Get a post-doc position (once kids start school).
By 2024: Get a tenure-track University job, start my own research program.
How does drug use fit into all of this? I intend to funtion under my same current rules until I am trying to have kids. The rules are:
1. No meth or heroin- I like it waaay too much.
2. Really, really limit the ecstacy- it's already altered the old noodle.
3. Try not to drink more than four days per week.
4. Don't do blow more than once a week.
5. Hallucinogens are "special-occaision" drugs, no more than twice a month.
6. I smoke like two hits of pot a day, and don't intend to change that.
So yea, some may not think this sounds like moderation, but trust me, it is. I have more or less stuck to these rules the last 3 years and been pretty succesful, so I think I ought to be able to sustain that in graduate school. We shall see...
Honestly, the thing that scares me isn't drugs, it's the recurrence of my ED. If I go back to any of my ED states (anorexic, bulimic, or exercise bulimic), I'll definitely lose it mentally and fuck up my graduate education because having an ED is way to much stress to handle on top of that.
Well, whatever happens, you can't tell me I'm boring :)
xKimX
This year: Move to Chicago with J, start graduate school at Northwestern.
Next year: J and I plan to get engaged if everything is still going well.
By 2012: Get married, again conditional, but I have a good feeling.
By 2014: Get my PhD in Neuroscience, take time off to start family.
By 2015: Buy first house.
By 2017: Have two kids.
By 2022: Get a post-doc position (once kids start school).
By 2024: Get a tenure-track University job, start my own research program.
How does drug use fit into all of this? I intend to funtion under my same current rules until I am trying to have kids. The rules are:
1. No meth or heroin- I like it waaay too much.
2. Really, really limit the ecstacy- it's already altered the old noodle.
3. Try not to drink more than four days per week.
4. Don't do blow more than once a week.
5. Hallucinogens are "special-occaision" drugs, no more than twice a month.
6. I smoke like two hits of pot a day, and don't intend to change that.
So yea, some may not think this sounds like moderation, but trust me, it is. I have more or less stuck to these rules the last 3 years and been pretty succesful, so I think I ought to be able to sustain that in graduate school. We shall see...
Honestly, the thing that scares me isn't drugs, it's the recurrence of my ED. If I go back to any of my ED states (anorexic, bulimic, or exercise bulimic), I'll definitely lose it mentally and fuck up my graduate education because having an ED is way to much stress to handle on top of that.
Well, whatever happens, you can't tell me I'm boring :)
xKimX
1.07.2009
Balanced with Blow
So the job interview went not so hotsy. The guy was really cool, but he said they were mostly looking for MCAT teachers. I will know for sure in a few days, but I most likely will not get it, and even if I did get the job I do not think I will take it anyway because I won't have time. I think I may just have to rack up some debt this semester because it looks like I will be gone pretty much every weekend:
Jan 22-25- Going to Disco Biscuits shows in 4 cities (yes, I like Trip-Hop :P )
Jan 31-Feb 2- Interview at Yale
Feb 6-7- Interview University of Chicago
Feb 13-15- Michael Franti concert in a neighboring state
Feb 20-22- UW Madison interview
Feb 27- Mar 1- Northwestern interview
Mar 19-23- Cabin in the mountains with J, his bro (M) and his bro's fiance (A) :)
Mar 28- Apr 4- HOPEFULLY I get to go with on the family vacay for my (finally) 21st B-Day, and my Mom's 50 (same day), but we'll see how it goes with school (considering I will have virtually not been there and am supposedly supposed to be writing my thesis.)
Haha, you like how I have my interviews balanced out with weekends that are ideal for massive amounts of drug use? I'm pretty happy with the plan.
On the up side, I have been eating really healthfully and normally this week. Go me!
Live well all,
xKimX
Jan 22-25- Going to Disco Biscuits shows in 4 cities (yes, I like Trip-Hop :P )
Jan 31-Feb 2- Interview at Yale
Feb 6-7- Interview University of Chicago
Feb 13-15- Michael Franti concert in a neighboring state
Feb 20-22- UW Madison interview
Feb 27- Mar 1- Northwestern interview
Mar 19-23- Cabin in the mountains with J, his bro (M) and his bro's fiance (A) :)
Mar 28- Apr 4- HOPEFULLY I get to go with on the family vacay for my (finally) 21st B-Day, and my Mom's 50 (same day), but we'll see how it goes with school (considering I will have virtually not been there and am supposedly supposed to be writing my thesis.)
Haha, you like how I have my interviews balanced out with weekends that are ideal for massive amounts of drug use? I'm pretty happy with the plan.
On the up side, I have been eating really healthfully and normally this week. Go me!
Live well all,
xKimX
1.05.2009
Snake Bite!
So it is Monday morning, the first of 2009. As a lazy little student, I don't have a job to return to, but I do have some fun on my plate today.
After our lovely (and as some of you informed me, very lame) Saturday night, J and I woke up early Sunday and hit the gym. I have not missed a workout or done anything extra in months, so I am pretty proud on that front. (For those who don't know I used to be a compulsive exerciser, running 100+ miles per week.) J recently returned to working out regularly, and I am glad because I care about his health and because it is something healthy we can do together. I ate healthfully yesterday and have also done so so far today. Nothing like a new week to get me back on track.
This eve I have an interview for a job I want teaching a test prep class. I was planning on getting a haircut today (I know I'm a sellout, but I have decided the purple should temporarily be vanquished until my job and grad school places are secure. The man got to me!), but I felt lazy and didn't. Anyway, for this interview I have to teach a committee of interviewers a five-minute lesson on a non-academic subject. I picked "what to do if you get a bite from a poisonous snake". I am focusing specifically on a snake in our area, and I think it will go over well. If not, this job would be a lot of work, and if I don't get it, I can go find something easier. Haha, wish me luck (but not too much luck I guess).
So ya, life is good I suppose. My parents know I am not in school yet and are wanting me to go back upstate and hang out with them instead of staying here with J, so I may do that later this week. My shrink cancelled on me today, which is fine, I don't have any pressing issues and always feel awkward when I don't have anything to say. Oh, and sorry the title of this post made it sound like it would be a lot more interesting then it actually was. But hey, you read it! Bwa haha.
Hope 2009 has been good to all of you so far,
xKimX
After our lovely (and as some of you informed me, very lame) Saturday night, J and I woke up early Sunday and hit the gym. I have not missed a workout or done anything extra in months, so I am pretty proud on that front. (For those who don't know I used to be a compulsive exerciser, running 100+ miles per week.) J recently returned to working out regularly, and I am glad because I care about his health and because it is something healthy we can do together. I ate healthfully yesterday and have also done so so far today. Nothing like a new week to get me back on track.
This eve I have an interview for a job I want teaching a test prep class. I was planning on getting a haircut today (I know I'm a sellout, but I have decided the purple should temporarily be vanquished until my job and grad school places are secure. The man got to me!), but I felt lazy and didn't. Anyway, for this interview I have to teach a committee of interviewers a five-minute lesson on a non-academic subject. I picked "what to do if you get a bite from a poisonous snake". I am focusing specifically on a snake in our area, and I think it will go over well. If not, this job would be a lot of work, and if I don't get it, I can go find something easier. Haha, wish me luck (but not too much luck I guess).So ya, life is good I suppose. My parents know I am not in school yet and are wanting me to go back upstate and hang out with them instead of staying here with J, so I may do that later this week. My shrink cancelled on me today, which is fine, I don't have any pressing issues and always feel awkward when I don't have anything to say. Oh, and sorry the title of this post made it sound like it would be a lot more interesting then it actually was. But hey, you read it! Bwa haha.
Hope 2009 has been good to all of you so far,
xKimX
1.03.2009
The Weekend Warrior?
So... Me n J just got back home after 4 days of visiting my whole extended family upstate. It was interesting. He got on well enough with everyone, and was able to more fully understand WHY I stress out so hard about going home. We got back, have been watching football all day, and just decided that it was pretty necessary for us to get fucked up now. Ha has some AWESOME herb, so we whipped that out. We mixed up some fruity martinis. And opted to crush up a couple wellbutrin and introduce them to our sinus cavities. For anyone wondering: tastes horrible, distinct throat/sinus pain, but feels a bit similar to coke. Didn't work like I remembered. I know, I know... I just got done bragging about how I'd been so good about drugs for a while. Come on, this barely counts! We vetoed the idea of going out to see what we could find, so this is seriously moderation dudes.
And ED stuff? Goes OK. Skipped the workout today, but J and I are going in the morning instead. I overate yesterday, but I underate today. Also probably a slippery slope, but I need to lose ten pounds.
Oh, and big news!!! I got an interview at Northwestern for their PhD program! They are my number one choice, and the woman who called me said I was among their very top applicants! Fuck yea!
Gah. It's Saturday night. I'll be healthy and whatnot again tomorrow. I swear. Perhaps I should investigate this "weekend Warrior" business...
And ED stuff? Goes OK. Skipped the workout today, but J and I are going in the morning instead. I overate yesterday, but I underate today. Also probably a slippery slope, but I need to lose ten pounds.
Oh, and big news!!! I got an interview at Northwestern for their PhD program! They are my number one choice, and the woman who called me said I was among their very top applicants! Fuck yea!
Gah. It's Saturday night. I'll be healthy and whatnot again tomorrow. I swear. Perhaps I should investigate this "weekend Warrior" business...
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